Questions on Coping

[5min]

I am 52 and a Christian. I struggle with avoidance. I just don't want to deal with it.

How do you cope with the continual stream of verbal abuse?

How do you deal with the threats and acts of violence?

Setting boundaries has resulted in violence.

Trying to leave has resulted in violence.

How do you deal with the continual being thrown out of her house?

How do you deal with the knowledge that it will never get better?

Thanks for your insight.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drained1996]

This is from Wrongturn in your introductory post back in October.  A good suggestion you may want to re-read. 

5min:  Sounds like it has been a difficult time lately - that sucks!

A quick note about the nature of boundaries.  Sometimes people confuse boundaries with imposing rules on people, but they're not the same thing.  Boundaries are about the behavior you are willing to accept and the actions that you will take to protect yourself from your boundaries being crossed.  Examples:

Rule:  "My BPD wife is only allowed to rant at me for 1 hour per night" [Even if your wife decided to follow the rule, it still sounds like an unhealthy, abusive situation to me, and I would not suggest this course of action.]

Boundary:  "I will not be verbally or physically abused"  [Then you take whichever action you need to take to prevent yourself from being abused - you can choose to inform your wife that you will leave the conversation and home temporarily if the tone of the conversation continues to be hostile toward you and give her a chance to be nice, or you can just leave without explanation - it's your call how you enforce your boundary.]

See the difference here?  With a rule, you have to hope the other person chooses to obey the rule.  With a boundary, you don't have to rely on the other person's compliance.  You just take the necessary actions to remove yourself from the abusive situation when it becomes necessary (still remembering to take the precautions to protect yourself from false allegations).

How do you deal with the knowledge that it will never get better?

It doesn't sound like things have improved with your situation since you have joined us here.  Are you using the tools and lessons to the right of this page and still running into the same old issues with no improvement? 

[isilme]

5min - Lemme see if I can answer any of these:

How do you cope with the continual stream of verbal abuse?

I try to end my portion of contributing to it by learning what of my behaviours is invalidating, or triggering.  I'd hardly call it constant, but I try to also not take it to heart.  I know this is partly a disease talking, influencing my H's emotions and that he is virtually disabled as far as controlling his emotions.  Instead of having a physical ailment, he is emotionally disabled.  And so just like someone who loses control of their sugar with diabetes, he loses control of his emotions, and even the best control can't stop all highs or lows.

How do you deal with the threats and acts of violence?

These are not that common, and in fact, when he has resorted to violence, I'm usually so shocked I jsut freeze and try to end the whole encounter as soon as I can.  I leave if I can. 

Setting boundaries has resulted in violence.

Can you descibe a situation where this has occurred?  An Extincition Burst, where a boundary being enforced can happen, and the response can be quite volitile as your baoundary is tested and rebelled against, but if you are resolute, and lucky, it stands and you can move on to the next boundary.  I've not had this happen.

Trying to leave has resulted in violence.

Again, more information would be helpful.  Leaving is one way of enforcing your boundary in the first place, and so if the initial boundary was met with violence, it's not surprising that trying to leave would get the same response.
 
How do you deal with the continual being thrown out of her house?

I ignore it and refuse to leave unless it's my idea.  Mostly it's just threats to kick me out, because he knows it will hurt me as I've had family kick me out in the past.  Sometimes, usually, I invent an errand to run, and leave, and come back to uncomfortable silent treatment instead of overt rage, which is step 2 in the rage-cycle.  Step 3 is resigned silent treatment, and then step 4 is some sort of resolution.

How do you deal with the knowledge that it will never get better?
 
It can.  We went from a point that drove me to this site where I was being raged at multiple times a day and ready to leave to rages usually just a few times a month or every few months (stress-based).  Sometimes, it CAN get better.  Sometimes, it cannot.  For me, I set some deadlines for myself to re-evaluate staying.  Things DID improve as I hit those deadlines, so I stayed.  Now, at the age you mentioned, compounding factors may be present in your SO - menopause and other hormonal issues.  Onset of some mental impairments which can lead to mood swings and irrationalility.  When H feels physically better, he is emotionally better.  When (like now) he feels physically ill, his emotions are less stable, and more likely to blow up out of proportion. 

[Tattered Heart]

It sounds like understanding what boundaries are and what they are not may be the issue. A very very good Christian book is Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. It teaches you what is a real boundary and what isn't a boundary. It also teaches you how to set boundaries for yourself (not on other people). As CHristians we often think that setting boundaries is not being kind to others because we have to tell them no or it may upset them. But in reality setting boundaries teaches the people we love to love us better.