Explan the "Push" in Push-Pull

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My exgf was extremely insecure and wanted to be with me almost constantly and would get terribly irritated even if my ex wife called or texted  to make arrangements for the kids. My exgf would text and call constantly to the point where it was very overwhelming so I certainly understand the Pull part of the equation.

Sometimes after a bad fight that she almost always started (our pattern was that she would be rude or disrespectful and I will call her out and reprimand her for it which typically lead to escalation) she wouldn't text or call as much or ask me to be with her but usually even then she did. She started fights constantly though and was never content with things being peaceful. She had to be creating conflict or criticizing me. So is the need for chaos and all of the criticizing what people consider the Push?

Thanks!

[Duped 1]

My exgf was extremely insecure and wanted to be with me almost constantly and would get terribly irritated even if my ex wife called or texted  to make arrangements for the kids. My exgf would text and call constantly to the point where it was very overwhelming so I certainly understand the Pull part of the equation.

Sometimes after a bad fight that she almost always started (our pattern was that she would be rude or disrespectful and I will call her out and reprimand her for it which typically lead to escalation) she wouldn't text or call as much or ask me to be with her but usually even then she did. She started fights constantly though and was never content with things being peaceful. She had to be creating conflict or criticizing me. So is the need for chaos and all of the criticizing what people consider the Push?

Thanks!

[vortex of confusion]

My understanding is that the push/pull is the process of pushing you away and then trying to pull you back in. The rudeness and negative behaviors are part of the pushing away. It is a cycle of being mean, criticizing, negative, or some other behavior that would cause you to take pause. For me, the push is whatever they do to reject you. Ex would reject me in small, but subtle ways that could range from habitually forgetting things to bigger stuff like name calling. They push you away and then shower you with attention/affection to pull you back in. That is why it can be confusing.

The push/pull stuff is very confusing and it is easy to get confused by it. For me, it was confusing because I felt like he wanted me but didn't. If I tried to share my feelings with him, it was easy for him to dismiss because he could counter it with "but I did <fill in the blank>". Yes, he could provide a list of wonderful things he did to counter my list of not so wonderful things that he did. I very much got caught up in the push/pull cycle because I would welcome him back with open arms and forgive everything when he was telling me what I wanted to hear and buttering me up. When I would relax and get comfortable, then he would relax and go back to doing things to push me away. Only he would tell me that he wasn't pushing me away.

Something else to consider in the push/pull dynamic is your part in it. You calling her out and reprimanding her could be seen by her as you pushing her away, being critical, etc., which is why she doesn't call or text as much. It is a toxic dynamic that can be difficult to identify and even more difficult to stop.

[Panda39]

Here is a link to a workshop on Push/Pull that might help... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

Panda39