Possible Neediness - Afraid That I Ruined it Forever

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone 

I've been frequenting these forums for almost five months year now since my ex-girlfriend was officially diagnosed with BPD when we were together about a year and a half ago.

After we broke up about six months ago (the breakup was completely agreed upon and she needed to be alone to figure her own things out and learn), we kept in touch for about two months. Among the course of the two months, she always reassured me that the break was temporary and we would eventually be back together.

The relationship was extremely push/pull and after a big conversation we had during the break regarding how we felt about each other (only the most positive of things were said), she bolted again. This time around I texted her three times within three weeks trying to get in touch to no avail (I almost begged her to respond, but she was also floundering personally at the time very badly and I just wanted to know that she was okay, safe, and well. It was also extremely normal for her to shut down and not respond to me periodically during the relationship when she was overwhelmed by her feelings).

We have spoken twice since and both times she was as sweet and receptive as could be, but then bolted *again* afterwards. I know she has a LOT of growing to do as a person and she very simply could not handle the commitment the relationship warranted so that makes sense, but I read a lot on here about how when you come off as needy it's a highly negative trait to them (but also, why is this?).

I am an incredibly strong individual and partner and weathered a ton of storms with her throughout the course of our relationship without flinching. I actually believe this was part of the reason why she left, because she knew how strong and capable I was and knew she couldn't live up to her half of the bargain at the time. She painted me white and never once black, taking all the blame for all of our issues that she caused. We've never loved anyone more than each other and just wonder whether my actions during that three week lapse (that I apologized it for twice afterwards... .she was receptive and said she was wrong for not responding) would make a permanent dent in her vision of me, given typical BPD behavior?

She has spoken to me since and invited me out for dinner alone one time and told me she would speak to me soon the other but, as I said, ran away after both and no word since. It's been three months since we last spoke, though I am viewing all of this as typical push/pull I want it-but I'm afraid of it actions, just given her past behavior. I know she hasn't been in a committed relationship with anyone since our breakup. Any thoughts would be highly appreciated 

Ps. Thank you all for reading this. The work and assistance you give people is really quite admirable

[heartandmind]

Hi everyone 

I've been frequenting these forums for almost five months year now since my ex-girlfriend was officially diagnosed with BPD when we were together about a year and a half ago.

After we broke up about six months ago (the breakup was completely agreed upon and she needed to be alone to figure her own things out and learn), we kept in touch for about two months. Among the course of the two months, she always reassured me that the break was temporary and we would eventually be back together.

The relationship was extremely push/pull and after a big conversation we had during the break regarding how we felt about each other (only the most positive of things were said), she bolted again. This time around I texted her three times within three weeks trying to get in touch to no avail (I almost begged her to respond, but she was also floundering personally at the time very badly and I just wanted to know that she was okay, safe, and well. It was also extremely normal for her to shut down and not respond to me periodically during the relationship when she was overwhelmed by her feelings).

We have spoken twice since and both times she was as sweet and receptive as could be, but then bolted *again* afterwards. I know she has a LOT of growing to do as a person and she very simply could not handle the commitment the relationship warranted so that makes sense, but I read a lot on here about how when you come off as needy it's a highly negative trait to them (but also, why is this?).

I am an incredibly strong individual and partner and weathered a ton of storms with her throughout the course of our relationship without flinching. I actually believe this was part of the reason why she left, because she knew how strong and capable I was and knew she couldn't live up to her half of the bargain at the time. She painted me white and never once black, taking all the blame for all of our issues that she caused. We've never loved anyone more than each other and just wonder whether my actions during that three week lapse (that I apologized it for twice afterwards... .she was receptive and said she was wrong for not responding) would make a permanent dent in her vision of me, given typical BPD behavior?

She has spoken to me since and invited me out for dinner alone one time and told me she would speak to me soon the other but, as I said, ran away after both and no word since. It's been three months since we last spoke, though I am viewing all of this as typical push/pull I want it-but I'm afraid of it actions, just given her past behavior. I know she hasn't been in a committed relationship with anyone since our breakup. Any thoughts would be highly appreciated 

Ps. Thank you all for reading this. The work and assistance you give people is really quite admirable

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[rfriesen]

The relationship was extremely push/pull and after a big conversation we had during the break regarding how we felt about each other (only the most positive of things were said), she bolted again.
... .
I know she has a LOT of growing to do as a person and she very simply could not handle the commitment the relationship warranted so that makes sense, but I read a lot on here about how when you come off as needy it's a highly negative trait to them (but also, why is this?).

A pwBPD will often struggle with duelling fears of abandonment and engulfment. If they think they are losing an attachment, that might trigger fears of abandonment and lead them to "pull" a person back in. If they feel overwhelmed by an attachment (feeling themselves pulled into a commitment they can't handle), that can trigger fears of engulfment (being swallowed up by the attachment) and attempts to "push" a person away. This push/pull can be painful for anyone on the receiving end, as you know.

We've never loved anyone more than each other and just wonder whether my actions during that three week lapse (that I apologized it for twice afterwards... .she was receptive and said she was wrong for not responding) would make a permanent dent in her vision of me, given typical BPD behavior?

In these relationships, a pwBPD often seems to have an intense reaction to our behaviour and that can lead us to be extremely careful of how we act (walking on eggshells, or obsessing with how they've interpreted something we've done). In reality, though, we often have little control over what might trigger them or not. You're not responsible for her inner emotional volatility.

That said, we can learn to manage the volatility better in these relationships. Have you read  through some of the "Basic Tools" you can find here --------> and also at the top of the page?

You won't gain anything by wondering how she's interpreted your behaviour in the past. She might interpret it all differently from one day to the next. What kind of relationships do you wish for yourself, whether it's this one or others in your life? Learning about your own needs and dreams can also help you keep calm and centred in your interactions with your ex.