Husband is ImpossibleNeed to vent

[WifeInOz]

Hello Everyone,

 I am a 42 year old mom of 2, stepmom of 1. My husband(53) and I have been married for 14months, he is a borderline, has been diagnosed as a borderline (I had done research and then confronted him about his symptoms and about a diagnosis , he admitted that he was diagnosed years ago). We had a wonderful last 5-6 months. I finally thought he had somehow "gotten better", how incredinly stupid of me to think that, for I know Borderlines DONT get better on their own with no help. IN short, my husband makes mountains out of mole hills and twists things around to make it look like im this MONSTER SCUMBAG of a person. The latest in my life of Oz: A few nights ago he came out of my son's room and said "Matthew said someone took some of his hershey kisses! Find out who did it!" Well , I AM the one who did it, I had a craving  smiley but I was afraid to admit it to my husband and panicked so I said "I dont know who did it"... I was afraid he'd call me names, he does this often when stupid things such as this make him mad. Plus he has called me "fat" a few times lately and didnt want to hear that again. BTW, I have about 25 lbs to loose but Im not a heffer! I  a few minutes later I confessed that I had done it, and he freaked out on me. He called me "LOSER, LIAR, Scumbag! Youre a lazy piece of  please read               | who sits on the couch all day and leeches off of me". All of these wonderful choice compliments over candy! Which I admit I shouldnt have lied, but I only did to curtail his rage and verbal abuse. I snapped and as I was going upstairs I said, "In DONE with your verbal abuse and name calling! Im leaving!" He then came upstairs and said, "Ok, if you are leaving give me your rings!" He then proceded to grab my ring finger and forcibly take my wedding ring and engagement ring off my finger, tugging and pulling, as I was fighting back saying "NO!" He finally got them off and now my finger is swollen and bruised. I didnt mean what I said when I said I was leaving, Im just so sick and tired of his treatment of me.
 I finally told the truth because I hate lying plus he was about to blame my daughter!  BTW, Im a stay at home mom who is a teacher by trade who is trying desperately to find a teaching job. I do substitute teach a few times a week. So Im not a lazy piece of Sh*t. I also clean this house very well and take care of the children, have dinner ready every night and respect him and treat him like royalty. This situation with the candy happened two nights ago, this morning he told me that the reason his is mad at me is because " I lied and threw my children under the bus and that makes me a cockroach. Im a cockroach just like his ex wife, and I should have just told the truth. If I could control  my urges I wouldnt have taken the hershey kisses, Im not disciplined and thats why I'll always be a fat ass." "Im a ratfink scumbag" This is what he said this morning before work.  How does this happen? How does a small lie about having some chocolate spiral out of control to the "crime of the century" ? Can anyone else relate to this insanity. HELP!  cry  I know I shouldnt have told a lie, but I never meant to "through my kids under the bus". I didnt blame them. That is why I FESSED up. HOW does this HAPPEN?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Auspicious]

Wow WifeInOz, there's a lot going on there!   

I'd recommend first taking a look at the links over to the right, for example the links under "Lessons". 

Grabbing you and hurting you is never OK, for any reason, so be sure to read "Safety First" - https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info2.htm

[WifeInOz]

Thank YOU! I know he shouldn't have grabbed my rings off of me and yes I did read what you mentioned. Is this behavior typical of BPD? To make mountains out of mole hills and escalate to ME being an awful person? Just looking for validation that I AM NOT crazy .

[isilme]

Hello WifeinOz,

This is not about anything you did.  Yes, you ate candy.  yes, you were embarrassed and initially lied.  But his rage and anger and reactions were not REALLY about that.  Something else triggered his BPD, and he needed to find a way to yell at you.  If you'd not eaten the candy, and in fact the child was mistaken and you'd relayed that, he'd probably have still blown up.  If another child had eaten the candy, he'd have blown up. 

Yes, mole hills are Mount Everest with BPD.  Yes, they can't be the bad guy or it induces internal shame, so YOU have to be the owrst eprson ever to offset their inside feelings.  Hell, maybe HE ate some candy, too.

BPD seems to make the person with it unable to cope internally with their emotions.  So they search out ways to expel their feelings onto others.  They try to blame their out of control emotions on others.  They need to call you names because inside, they are calling themselves all manner of things and can't handle it at all - so they project it onto the most available person, usually a spouse, sometimes a child.

So - #1 - while it's not good to lie, that's not what caused this.  He was probably good and ready for you to "fail" in some way to resolve the candy-conflict, so he could have a good yell.  So it's not you.  It's not about the kids.  It's not about anyone's weight.  It's about his feelings being unmanageable, and something else got him worked up and he needed to cause a fight to get them out. It's like super emotional constipation so bad you have to get the doctor to remove all the ... .well... .you know, from your colon because you can't do it yourself. 

#2 - while the rage is happening, BPD will say anything and everything to make you feel as bad as they think they feel.  This will include personal attacks on everything from character, to weight, to how much broccoli you cooked tonight (yup - had a bag thrown at me).  Do your best to let the insults slide off you like water on a ducks back.  They are not "real" thoughts, and are only relevant for this time that you are being painted black.  What is felt NOW is the truth for all time.  Yesterday does not matter, tomorrow does not matter.  So if you are "good" right now, you've always been good, and so on.  So for you, it only hurts you to hold on to feelings thrown at you from a person without good emotional permanence.  It's not true, it's not honest, it's the result of a grown up with a toddler's emotional control, and so just like when a toddler screams, "I hate you" and it may sting but you can ignore it as toddler-ness, you do the same with the "I hate you" from an adult with BPD.   

It still hurts, but you DO have the power to determine HOW MUCH you will allow it to hurt.  You can't control him, but you CAN control you, how much you stay for during a rage, how much you let sink in under your skin.  You've lasted this long, and with the tool, I can swear that for the most part, things CAN improve.  BPD will always be there, just like diabetes never goes away once you have it.  It's a condition - there is no "anti-BPD" pill, and any treatment relies heavily on the person with it recognizing problems and working on them - sadly something the very nature of BPD prevents. 

You are allowed to elave for a bit wihtout leaving your rings.  Plan ahead, when you are calmer, how you'd leave and in what situations you can.  Leave the house, just leave the room, go for a walk, go tot he store, what ever makes sense for your situation.  Sometimes there is no walking away.  But if ther is, especailly early on, don't waste time justifying, just stop engaging and if that doens't end it, find a way to leave the room/house if you can. 

[WifeInOz]

Isilme

Thank you so much for taking the time to post that indepth response... .You made my day xoxo  

[Auspicious]

It still hurts, but you DO have the power to determine HOW MUCH you will allow it to hurt.  You can't control him, but you CAN control you, how much you stay for during a rage, how much you let sink in under your skin. 

Exactly right!

We tend to get enmeshed, and involved in the drama. We need to stay calm, and make rational decisions, especially when our partner can't.

[Five28]

Thank YOU! I know he shouldn't have grabbed my rings off of me and yes I did read what you mentioned. Is this behavior typical of BPD? To make mountains out of mole hills and escalate to ME being an awful person? Just looking for validation that I AM NOT crazy .

In my case this is exactly the behavior of my BPD wife. Every little thing you can imagine becomes blown way out of proportion. inevitably leading to a fight. Of course, I'm always the bad guy.