First time New here

[DragonflyK]

Hi I am new here and glad to have found this site. I believe my sister is an undiagnosed BPD whom also has a coexisting Eating Disorder. She is in her 40's now and has three children at this point. I continue to hope she will not bring any others into this world as she can not handle what she has.

I am the oldest sibling and have witnessed years of utter dysfunction for our entire family due to the choices she has made. My parents have been put through "Hell and Back" with her, as my brother and I have watched from the wings in horror. It has been going on for almost 30 years at this point.

Extreme rages, mood swings, pushing family away alternating with calling them in the middle of the night for "Help", crying, sobbing, lying, hiding things, switching jobs all over the place, not able to maintain relationship with almost anyone ( family, co-workers, friends, or significant others). There is constant drama and escalating behaviors. Risky behaviors and using no birth control, many pregnancies, some terminated, some lost by nature, and all out of wedlock. It continues currently. Got a hysterical call by my mother that let me know she was pregnant again over Xmas break and threatening to marry this man. My parents have raised her other children for the most part due to her utter dysfunction. It has cost them over 20 years of their lives at this point.

She refuses psychiatric help and blames everyone else. Nothing you ever do is enough and no compassion you ever give her is enough. She is abusive and flies into rages verbal mostly but threatens physical abuse. I am afraid of her, and I think my parents are to. As I believe her kids are too.

I am exhausted by her and have limited much contact with her over past several years due to threats of violence on a family vacation towards me. I do not know how to help my parents and am afraid of the future when they are no longer here.

Please help. I feel so isolated, resentful, and tired of all of it. She has sucked the life out of our whole family and continues to do so!

[Mutt]

Hi DragonflyK,



I'd like to welcome you to BPDFAMILY. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can understand how emotionally distressing your sister is with family members.

I think that you made a wise choice several years ago with self protection and minimizing contact with you uBPD sister, it's also really important to take care of ourselves so we don't burn the candle at both ends. I'm also sorry that your parents are going through this.

A pwBPD have a dependency on others and often family members will try to fix things for that person but it enables the behaviors unfortunately. I can't suggest anything about your parents other then settings limits and boundaries. Are you worried that your sister will turn to you in the future?

You'll find many members here that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, you're not alone. I'm glad that you have found us.

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

PS The lessons are to the right side of the board 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome DragonflyK! 

Thank you for reaching out to us here and sharing your heartrending story with us. How very hard it is for all of you! No wonder you feel resentment and anger. Anyone would.

Has anyone in your extended family seen a T in order to get help and support as you walk through this? It is hard, if not next to impossible, to walk this road alone. I can only imagine how tired you all must be in putting up with her behavior.

What do you know and understand about BPD so far? What have you found helpful? As you begin to understand, it will help you define more of what you see, and then you will be able to take appropriate steps. Typically a BPD does not change their behavior, but you can set boundaries that can help you wade through it all.

What are you doing for self care these days? It's important!

 
Wools

[DragonflyK]

Thank you both for the warm welcome.

I am a healthcare provider myself and worked in Children's Psych for over a decade. I worked with BPD's back on this unit and became familiar with their traits through working with them.

I knew for a long time that she/my sister exhibited many of these traits. She is younger than me and most of her behavior started while I was at college and my parents hid most of what she was doing back then. They were mortified of her behavior, I did not realize police calls had occurred, cars being impounded, drugs, sex, threats of suicide, and defying my parents.

As years passed, the behaviors continued, and my parents started to tell me things from when she was an early teen. It has been now 27 years and very, very tiring. I had been very angry and resentful for many years. Her children need my own parents to help raise them as she is in a constant state of drama. Pregnant with no husband, tried to marry someone in jail, DYFS involvement with her kids due to physical abuse from father, then married and divorced. Physical fighting, threats of abuse, verbal abuse.

She does splitting perfectly, and non-stop. Her past time was to make me the enemy to my parents, and then call me for help on a regular basis behind their backs, then start a fight at a family event and tell them I was awful,psychotic, don't support her, doesn't love her... .Any or all of it. She will call you non-stop and demand no one loves her or understands her... Then she goes silent for weeks. Our whole family knows when she is "silent" it is very dangerous... bc she is up to no good and another crisis is coming our way!

I have distanced myself for past 3 years after a huge fight on a family vacation. It was the last straw and I finally started to realize that something is very wrong with my sister. I got the book "Walking on Egg Shells" and read it. I then sent it to my mom. She read it and has gone on to purchase 2 other books about BPD. We are all very tired and trying to set boundaries with her. My parents live near her and concerned about her kids and how they are being treated emotionally.


I have not seen a therapist. I think a support group would be good for myself. I need to talk about my anger, my fear of the future and saving myself from feeling guilty about what will happen when my parents pass away. I can not raise her 3 kids and fix what is broken. I have tried along with my parents for years, and our younger brother is now dealing with her alot. Both he and myself have watched our parents have most of their lives taken away by her actions. She is Unapologetic and gets very angry when you call her on any behaviors she has done in the past. She lies about her past actions too and distorts the truth.

I have a family and so does my brother. Our kids have witnessed terrible interactions and I am now trying to shield my own kids from her. My parents can't even enjoy their grandkids bc she continues her behavior. They have to constantly "Bail her out" but they are also enabling her greatly.

My mom and I have fought over her many times. I get that my parents are "trapped" but at the same time they have other family. My brother and I have lost them to her.

Sorry this is so long... I am walking daily with my dog, doing Yoga, reading about BPD and now this... Hoping I can just be ok no matter that I can't control the outcome of what my sister does next.

Thank you DragonFlyK