Love of my life possibly pregnant, definitely ignoring me

[dsurban]

Hi all!   It's great to know that I'm not alone in my struggle. Here is a little bit about my situation. I've been lurking on some boards, and I think many people will relate.

I met the love of my life over 10 years ago at work. We tried once to get together, but she backslid into a relationship. We tried again, and I did the same. She moved away, but I was never able to let go. We communicated intermittently that whole time, both holding out hope that we would have another chance at it. Turns out, we did. She moved back and ended up getting a job with me. How lucky! She then left her boyfriend to be with me.

It was wonderful. It was euphoric. It was unbelievable. For about three months.

The cracks started to show. One day, she acted cold and distant after we had spent every night together for over a month. I confronted her about it, because I was worried. She acted like nothing was wrong. By this time, we had planned on her moving in with me, since her lease was up and, after all, we were meant for each other.

I figured this was just the stress of all the upheaval, so we pressed forward thinking it would get easier. More often she would get unreasonably upset and leave a social setting, or get angry at me for physical problems I was having that meant we couldn't have sex, or get jealous of my phone and my friends.

She moved in despite the couple of fights we had. The problems persisted, and along with the stress of her obnoxious cat, I finally snapped. One night she basically berated me for several hours, left, and then returned to do it some more. I broke down and cried, not understanding how someone who loves me could be so cruel. The next day, I was still upset and hurt, so I left for awhile and even said to myself, "I could just keep on driving and never return." When I came home, clear-headed and open-minded, she asked how I felt. I didn't give an answer she liked, she rolled her eyes and dramatic fashion, and I lost it. The resulting fight ended up with her moving out (her idea, though she'd never admit that).

After a week or so, things calmed down and we missed each other desperately. She has a power over me that makes her hard to resist. A week or so brought on another fight when she put me in a no-win, me-or-your-friends situation. I decided to step back and not engage. Wrong answer. She then broke up with me via text, insisting that she was cutting me out of her life, etc.

I've tried to be cool about this and move on, but after gaslighting me and sending me links on MY supposed disorder, she sent me an inside joke that brought back so many of those positive feelings. And now she's ignoring me. Sometime in there she was supposed to go to the doctor (we were not using protection because hey, this is IT for us), and I checked to see if she was ok, but all my attempts to reach out have been ignored. It's been a black hole for two days or so.

I've never felt like I could marry anyone else I've ever been with. Never felt like I could start a family and build a life together. I'm scared of the possibility of bringing another life into this tumultuous relationship, scared of trying to work out custody/visitation with her, scared of her doing something self-destructive or something that will hurt me deeply, and scared of losing the only person I've felt like I could grow old with.

Thanks for reading. Any advice/feedback is most welcome.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi dsurban and

im glad you decided to join and reach out for help.

it does sound like these relationship dynamics (breakup/makeup cycles, arguments) are taking their toll on both of you. directly to the right ------> you will see lessons that can help you stop the bleeding, set boundaries, and, at the very least, improve communication on your end.

its really hard when a person we love cuts off contact. its not necessarily fair, and a person in that position tends to be full of the overwhelming urge to just communicate and work things out, but sometimes our best intentions can make things worse. a lot of the "saving" tools here revolve around giving space and not chasing, as it can push someone further away.

i encourage you to spend some time diving into the lessons so that when and if she does reach out, you will be better equipped, and in a better head space from which to communicate.

i also notice it has been a couple of days - any update?

[dsurban]

Hi! Thanks for the response.

She is pregnant, and we're expected a girl this summer. Yay! But we are not together.

I read the eggshells book, and tried to apply some of the tools. In the heat of the moment, however, it can be overwhelming. On what was supposed to be a happy day - we were going to find out the sex - she started something with me about hiding text messages. I told her she had nothing to worry about, but that wasn't good enough (of course).

I told her to get her stuff and get out. It's too much for me. I have my own anxiety to manage, and can't be responsible for someone else's happiness. I can't give the constant reassurance. I can't think about her EVERY time I do ANYTHING, which is what she expects.

I've put up my barriers and I'm sticking to them pretty firmly right now. It's disheartening to feel like this is what I will have to deal with for the next 18 years or so. I offered to help with medical bills while we were together and she declined, but yesterday she DEMANDED that I give her half IMMEDIATELY. I told her I would help, but that I need her to work with me (get on payment plans). This turned into "You're only thinking of yourself, like ALWAYS!"

She's in counseling, but my God, I don't know how anyone with any self respect can stay in a relationship like that. I felt like I couldn't see my friends, couldn't use my phone, and worst of all, felt like I was not good enough no matter what I did. All my kind gestures are immediately lost when she is overwhelmed with that fear. It makes you not want to do anything nice, because what does it matter?

I plan to get visitation/support on paper. She ALWAYS has a different account of things than I do.

Wish me luck, y'all. Glad to know I'm not alone.

[Duped 1]

I could have wrote these words myself about mine:

"felt like I was not good enough no matter what I did. All my kind gestures are immediately lost when she is overwhelmed with that fear. It makes you not want to do anything nice, because what does it matter?"