Just a bit empty, need a rant.

[GuySmiley]

Sounds daft but even though I know she's BPD and an unhealthy to be around and a toxic person, I miss her sometimes. And sometimes a lot more than other times, like now.

Being in my 40s with no family of my own, no wife or child, and no real sense that I'm ever going to have a family of my own gets me down. And then I think of her, now married and with a kid. And then years later after NC she contacts me out of the blue, telling me she's not happy, but she can't leave him because of the kid etc. But she misses us, misses the way we used to be, misses the way I made her feel (no mention of missing me though). All bullsh*t I know.

But I think, but you weren't happy with me, why couldn't you at least not be happy with me and have the marriage and the kid?

Sounds stupid I know.

I know the poor sod whose married to her is probably unhappy a lot of the time, and if I was married to her I'd be that poor sod who she's trying to cheat on behind his back (again). I also know so many of you who got married to a BPD and had kids are thinking what a luckily escape I had and I should run! Run for the hills!

I wish I worked out at least a little bit, so I could have at least something out of the whole ordeal even if it meant I'd be living in ignorance of what was going on around me. She seems to have won, got everything we talked about for her and me, but with another man - but is still unhappy. What a waste.

But deep down, yeah I now know I've been lucky.

/rant

[Technique]

Nothing wrong with missing them sometimes mate. I used to think my year with her was a waste of time. However, now I truly believe it was an exceptional learning curve, and the lessons I learned (about myself mostly) will make me a better man in the long term. Stick with it.