Two thoughts come to mind as I read about your situation -- and it sounds so stressful for you and him.
We've had too many arguments over the past few weeks and most have been about him denying his distancing. He denies things that are absolutely and objectively provable with texts and chat logs.Downplaying our connection, our history, denying things from the past... all are things you'd expect from splitting of course but the distancing was also showing to a lesser extent during baseline. He says every time he argues with me it ruins his day. He even stopped saying my name unless he was in a very vulnerable state. When I mention it he claims he says no one's names in one on one conversation and says other things like "you're treated like everyone else" or you don't deserve princess treatment when he demands princess treatment himself and expects me to read his mind and gets mad if I forget anything about something he likes, even a food ingredient. He leaves me on read without batting an eye but starts getting anxious and angry if I stop typing for 5 minutes because I'm hinking of how to word a response. I could go on forever but what I'm seeing is nothing but a flair up of his already very severe bpd symptoms. Over the past 3 months I've shown more unconditional love and support that I had ever before (and it was a ton already) and that seems to be very triggering and I've read it makes the pushing extreme.
It sounds like there's some common ground between you two right now: there's more arguing than usual, and it's ruining everyone's day.
You have an opportunity here to manage your contribution differently (regardless of what he does or doesn't do) -- to take the long view and be effective, vs giving in to the short term "win" of "being right".
I think there's some low hanging fruit when it comes to arguing over "objectively provable" things. My gut feeling is that the issue isn't really "I can prove you're distancing" / "no you can't, that proves nothing, I'm not distancing". The real issue might be (and please correct me if I'm wrong): you feel lonely and you miss him and you miss being close. It hurts that in your experience, he's pulling away. That's frightening and painful.
The issue for both of you is how you feel and if you feel heard -- not "objectively provable facts". Focusing on "the facts" is going to be a dead end and send you both into a circular argument:
You: "Look, the text record shows that you texted 24 times last week and 12 times this week. That's a 50% reduction, you ARE pulling away!"
Him: "That proves nothing, you're just trying to trap me, and you never listen to how I feel!"
You feel something painful, and you're trying to get him to validate your feelings with the biggest lever you can get your hands on: the facts. But he doesn't feel heard when you do that, so he escalates and defends ("that's not true!") to try to get you to hear how he feels.
One of you needs to be the first one to end the cycle. I wonder if your desire for him to hear how you feel could be a strong enough motivation to try something different?
Curiosity about his point of view could be a different path forward. Is it true that he doesn't see himself as distancing? Would he be open to sharing his point of view about how the last few weeks have gone for him? People are open to solving problems that they see as problems, not problems that we see as problems. If he doesn't see "distancing" as a problem (even though you do, and it's really hurting you), what does he see as the problem recently? This may circle back to the increase in arguments. Does he see frequent arguing as a problem? Because you might, too, and when you both agree "Yes, this is a problem", that might build just enough common ground that even if you don't agree on why it's a problem, you might be able to chart a path forward.
All of that would be enough to cry for help but here comes the thing that makes me want to vanish into thin air atp. HIs ex, who wrecked him and abandoned him started hovering him. The damage caused by this ex I cannot even begin to explain, He seems to be biting, I cannot claim to be cheated on because it's not like we ever reached any official status, it's been a complicatedd situationship and I waited too long to act on his advances, probably contributed to the devaluing via rejection, nevertheless erverththing in our situationship had all the closeness elemnts you'd expect from a relationship, on top of me evidently having become his FP very early on. I'm distraught because i know he's going to be hurt by whatever this ex of his might be concocting, he will be hurt and go back to the dark days from when he was first discarded. I've been killing myself to rekindle ourconnection and get him to open up to me again and pickup where we left off, thinking of ays to get him out of his dad's and suddenly this piece of work waltzes in and immediately gets th closeness I've been fighting to get back for so long. Not just that, I've taken all the hits and hurt from being split, I"ve shown him the patience he begged me for every time we discussed his bpd, I don't claim to be perfect but I don't think he's been close to any thing close to the kind of unconditional love he's received from me adn I don't know what to do.
It makes sense that he's making a low-skilled move towards a past relationship right now. While people with more skills and without BPD could navigate a rough patch in a relationship without doing that, he has a lot of impairments and perhaps to him, the choice looks like: "dowhatittakes and I are just arguing nonstop, so why would I want to spend time with him when we just bicker; I'm going to gravitate towards this nice person who I only have good memories of and who isn't arguing with me". That doesn't make it right or mature -- but it may shed a little light on his moves.
Now seems like a good time to find a way to take a break from the arguments and fact-proving. Let it go for now -- pivot back to being the person he was attracted to at the start. Chill? Fun? Peaceful? Flexible? Artistic? Low-key? Funny? If you are pondering reconnecting, I wonder if you can give yourself a break from the conflict and get back in touch with some positive, non-conflictual parts of your personality.
You also know him best, so you know if an apology from you would be meaningful to him (note:
not appeasement, or groveling, or apologizing for things you didn't do!). Maybe you do genuinely regret some aspect of how you handled the recent arguments? "Hey, I just want to say that I'm sorry for how I handled the last few weeks. I kept some arguments going that I shouldn't have, and even though it was never my intention, I can see how that hurt you, and I apologize."
Each pwBPD is different so that may or may not "thaw the ice" with him and shine a more attractive light on you -- again, you know him best.
For now I told him I needed a few days to think, he was expecting me to just watch him reconnect with him and just celebrate it or something. He's not blocked or anything he can talk to me or contact me anytime ehe wants I just asked for space. He immediately protested asked how could I be pulling that s*** if I had been complaining about closeness. I've been available to him and even checked on him periodically but if I hadn't taken some space I woul dd have snapped and probably strted a ton of arguments. I want to approach this ratinally. I have a massive hole in my stomach I can't even describe the feeling an ddread of this entire thing. Walking away from him would be equally painful and I know the ex is not going to be there for it to mean anything but he will relive the rejection and the memories and if he's still pushing me away he won't have anything to get him through it considering how fragile his mental health was already with his enviroemental situation. Am I crazy for thinking of all these things instead of just walking? I've taken so much already trying to understand but this one is touhg and it's ironic too because he once told me during a split that he had a dream in which this ex reappeared and he tested my reaction in the dream.
It's not crazy to weigh the pros and cons of a relationship, and to take time to make a thoughtful decision. It sounds like things were intense and high conflict for a few weeks, so taking time to get out of that cycle can help clear your head. I wonder if it would help your decision-making to sort of "bracket" others and just focus on you and him -- i.e., if the ex weren't there, if his dad weren't there, if you weren't worried about "nobody" being there for him, if you just focused on the dynamic between you and him, would you be leaning towards trying new skills and approaches, or would you be leaning towards wrapping things up?
