pwBPD reach-out LAST OPPORTUNITY TO COMMUICATE CLEARLY - HELP

[athena wanderer]

As my ex appeared to have dropped all contact and any request for the engagement ring back I ceased all communication and decided to hold on to the engagement ring until I personally felt "well" enough to send it back.

The last I heard from my ex was 14 days ago . . . he messaged last night (clearly at drunk hour) with the following:

"Nothing in the mail yet. Where is my PLEASE READ BXXXCH" 1:03

then

"FXXK who you want, date who you want. I just want my 3200 dollar ring back"

I need to respond as I don't want to stonewall him.  This is my last opportunity to be that kind stable person he needs in his life without re-entangling myself. I ultimately want to wish him well, but I'm still reeling from the loss of us at the moment and could use a bit more time to process the loss. (As previously stated I'm also still very afraid that he will use the ring as a means to hurt my feelings further)

Can you help "wordsmith" an appropriate response.  Taking from previous suggestion and modifying slightly below:

 "Hey, this all happened really fast and I've needed some time to breathe.  I will get the ring packaged up and sent back to you when it returns from the jeweler at which time I will reach-out with shipping details"

(I'm struggling to keep out any references of support for him as a person or indication that I love him, so I'm writing it here to you)

[kells76]

Hi athena wanderer;

The B.I.F.F. tool can be helpful when we're trying to communicate something logistical with a pwBPD. My H and I have used it when emailing his kids' mom (uBPD) and it has helped keep the focus on what needs to be done, not on blame/feelings/fingerpointing/delay. It sounds like you're on the right track with keeping your draft response brief; I bet we can tighten it up even more 

I need to respond as I don't want to stonewall him.  This is my last opportunity to be that kind stable person he needs in his life without re-entangling myself. I ultimately want to wish him well, but I'm still reeling from the loss of us at the moment and could use a bit more time to process the loss. (As previously stated I'm also still very afraid that he will use the ring as a means to hurt my feelings further)

Can you tell me a bit more about these thoughts --

-what would your goal be, in trying to be "that kind stable person he needs"? Is your goal for you personally to live in line with your own values? Or is your goal to have some kind of effect on his life? Or something else?
I ask because I think that while the external action might be the same, the underlying motivations can be different and are really important. I.e., are you trying to return the ring kindly because you've reflected on what values you want to have, and you want to be a kind person to all? Or are you trying to return the ring kindly because you're hoping for a certain outcome from him?

-how do you fear that he would continue to use the ring to hurt you, if you are returning it?

Can you help "wordsmith" an appropriate response.  Taking from previous suggestion and modifying slightly below:

 "Hey, this all happened really fast and I've needed some time to breathe.  I will get the ring packaged up and sent back to you when it returns from the jeweler at which time I will reach-out with shipping details"

I bet we can make it even more BIFF 

"Hey, this all happened really fast and I've needed some time to breathe.  I will get the ring packaged up and sent back to you when it returns from the jeweler at which time I will reach-out with shipping details. Best; athena wanderer"

To my eyes, the "this all happened really fast..." line could create some issues. One is that it's an explanation, and if your ex is dysregulating, explanations tend to add fuel to the fire. The other is that I wonder if at some level you're hoping for validation or understanding from him (when you say "I've needed some time to breathe")? Is he the kind of person who, when dysregulated, can be validating and understanding?

You can also consider adding a date in there -- i.e., "... when it returns from the jeweler on Day/Date, at which time...", so that you have a reason not to respond if he pesters you with texts about "is it done yet".

You could also rephrase it to:

 "Hi Ex; once the jeweler returns the ring to me by Day/Date, I will ship it to you. I will send you shipping details by Later Day/Date at the latest. Thanks; athena wanderer"

...

Lots to juggle... my overall thought is to really pare it down to bare basics and make it a small target. Keep logistical stuff logistical, and keep emotional stuff in a different lane. Blending them (hoping he'll validate an explanation) likely won't improve the situation, if he's so dysregulated he's sending obscene texts.

Hope that's helpful food for thought... I'm so sorry it's come to this point 

[athena wanderer]

Thank you for helping refine my response and asking great questions . . . I'll circle around to some of them below:

The other is that I wonder if at some level you're hoping for validation or understanding from him (when you say "I've needed some time to breathe")? Is he the kind of person who, when dysregulated, can be validating and understanding?

I hadn't considered that I may very well be looking for validation; I honestly don't expect understanding but I suppose was hoping that an explanation was due for the nearly two weeks of no-contact. When he's not dysregulated he's extremely understanding - we've had some rather major "never thought I'd hear from him again" moments in our relationship that always resulted in a reach-out at approximately the 2 week mark, then weeks of repairing and bringing facts back into play to combat the black and white thinking.  This particular instance feels different . . . he's never burned my belongings or threatened a PPO before . . . BUT here we are at the two week mark and he's reaching out albeit negatively this time.

what would your goal be, in trying to be "that kind stable person he needs"? Is your goal for you personally to live in line with your own values? Or is your goal to have some kind of effect on his life? Or something else?

This is also a really good question.  In part, it is important to me, that I live out my values AND selfishly I do suppose I want to have some kind of effect on his life.  Even more selfishly, I don't want him to hate me. I want to believe there's a chance that he'll regulate enough to eventually see that I really did love him and didn't want to abandon nor hurt him.  Thanks for asking this poignant line of questioning.

In regard to the ring and my concern that it will be used to further injure me . . . in a previous break-up before our last cycle he briefly dated a woman . . . he sent me several photos of her and said he had hoped it would be us together forever instead . . . I believe he is back in contact with the same woman and I am terrified I will receive a photo of her with the ring on her hand.

I could use one final piece of advice . . . god love facebook and it's algorythims . . . my ex seems to have created a new FB profile which it kindly recommended to me even though he had previously blocked me then deleted or deactivated his account.  I informed a mutual friend as they were concerned about his welfare and had not heard from him - that friend cannot find the account and is blocked on all social media and phone (which I fully expected I would be - certainly this can't be an oversight???)  BUT  I digress - is it best to let him snoop on FB if that is what's happening . . . as long as I'm not being harassed I don't mind keeping my profile searchable / recommendable (my friends are not visible) . . . I'm not certain if this will have any effect on his dysregulation.

Thank you so very much!

[kells76]

This is also a really good question.  In part, it is important to me, that I live out my values AND selfishly I do suppose I want to have some kind of effect on his life.  Even more selfishly, I don't want him to hate me. I want to believe there's a chance that he'll regulate enough to eventually see that I really did love him and didn't want to abandon nor hurt him. Thanks for asking this poignant line of questioning.

What would it be like if he regulated and never saw that you really loved him?

Could you be OK with that?

You're raising really important questions here, and I think answering those questions for yourself might part of the long healing process (versus an "instant answer"). Why does it matter so much to what he thinks of you?

What do you think of you?

In regard to the ring and my concern that it will be used to further injure me . . . in a previous break-up before our last cycle he briefly dated a woman . . . he sent me several photos of her and said he had hoped it would be us together forever instead . . . I believe he is back in contact with the same woman and I am terrified I will receive a photo of her with the ring on her hand.

What options do you think you have, that are fully under your control, that you could choose to protect yourself from exposure to that kind of hurtful photo?

I could use one final piece of advice . . . god love facebook and it's algorythims . . . my ex seems to have created a new FB profile which it kindly recommended to me even though he had previously blocked me then deleted or deactivated his account.  I informed a mutual friend as they were concerned about his welfare and had not heard from him - that friend cannot find the account and is blocked on all social media and phone (which I fully expected I would be - certainly this can't be an oversight???)  BUT  I digress - is it best to let him snoop on FB if that is what's happening . . . as long as I'm not being harassed I don't mind keeping my profile searchable / recommendable (my friends are not visible) . . . I'm not certain if this will have any effect on his dysregulation.

When you ask "is it best to let him snoop on FB", are you referring to your ex? or to the mutual friend?

This seems to come back to your own values and your own boundaries. There's a wide range of boundaries that social media users can have when it comes to privacy. I tend towards ultraprivate; when my H and I were just starting dating, I chose to delete all my FB friends and pictures, untag myself in as much as I could, and deactivate my FB account. That was because both my H's kids' mom (uBPD) and kids' stepdad (uNPD) were on FB, were mutual friends with most of my friends, and could view and respond to my stuff. I didn't trust them to use that information healthily and so I prioritized my privacy and not offering my information to them to be used dysfunctionally.

Your ex may be different. He may be more trustworthy with what he sees on your profile, and if so, that is helpful information for decisionmaking.

You may also be different from me; you may be more OK with less privacy, and that's fine -- we're different people 

One way to approach this could be -- take the spotlight off of him (what's he thinking? does my profile upset his recovery? will he dysregulate if he sees it? how can I make sure he is OK with my FB?) and turn it on to you. You can't control any of those things, but you can control how you act out your own priorities and values.

You could reflect on those priorities and values. What do you think of personal privacy? Who do you want to see your photos and posts? How much confidentiality do you want in life? There's no right or wrong answer, just getting back in touch with yourself -- having yourself as your point of reference for decisionmaking, not him or his feelings or "if he would do OK with my choice".

Hang in there