Do they really have no control?

[Coping64]

Hi. My partner has BPD and I'm constantly being criticised for 'not handling it well'. When my partner gets into a rage and starts verbally abusing me, screaming the house down, throwing things etc - he tells me that I need to go to him and cuddle him and try calm him down. He gets angry when I take his hurtful comments to heart and says things like 'you know i don't mean anything i say when I'm in those moods so just ignore me and help me'. I just find it so hard to do when he constantly tears me down and expects me to come running. Also, he runs off every few days to 'kill himself' yet has come home the last 60 times and tells me it's my fault for not recognising that he was heading into a mood and for not calling him until my battery dies (and when I do he hangs up). He says goodbye and then proceeds to txt and call me for hours before coming home. And if I don't buy into it or say what he wants me to  then I get told I'm terrible and don't give a ___ about him. Anyway this is only the half of it. My question is: how much control do BPD sufferers actually have? In my opinion it seems as though he has control a lot of the time but chooses not to use it or doesn't care. But I'm constantly being told by him that he can't control anything and I should simply just deal with it. I don't know which is more true.

[lovenature]

Welcome Andrea

PWBPD have defences to control emotions that are too painful for them, they all boil down to them making up their own reality based on their current feeling of the moment: to them feelings=facts. There will be times where their behaviour is rational to actual reality and times (many) where it is irrational, confusing, and hurtful.
It sounds like your partner has a grasp on his behaviour, but maybe he doesn't know why he does what he does. Bottom line is verbal, emotional, and physical abuse isn't acceptable, mental illness or not. If he is willing to get the help he needs because he wants to stop treating you the way he has, and wants to improve your relationship then I think you have a chance, albeit probably a very slim one at getting to a healthy enough relationship, but if he expects you to continue sacrificing your health to sooth his emotions then you will eventually loose yourself.

Keep reading, posting, learning so you can decide what is best for your situation. Look after YOU.