Becoming mentally exhausted with partner w/BPD

[TiredTurtle]

Hello all,

I think I’m here as I’m getting to the end of my tether and my boyfriend has finally ground me down to nothing so I’m digging deep to find something left.

I met him online in the midst of a separation, he’s from Aus and I’m from the U.K. As those with BPD partner can guess at first it was all love bombing, I was his everything and he gave me this perfect picture of himself - stable, own home, decent job, savings etc like me, he was also very very sweet but it became very intense very quickly. I ignored those red flags like you wouldn’t believe as he made me feel special and loved. Cut forward a few months and he was drinking daily and smoking cannabis (funded by me - I know, stupid) and whenever he was sick I bought him medicine and food. I made sure I never gave him more than I could afford and his money issues didn’t matter to me, I fully loved him at this point. He told me to pack a case and he’d book me a flight so I did, and then the day before he told me he had money troubles and the ticket wasn’t coming. I invited him here and he kept saying he’d get his passport renewed and come over, but he gave many excuses about sorting his visa and I realised he didn’t get a passport.
It came to light that he didn’t have a job and hadn’t for a few years, he lived with his dad, he was clinically depressed and addicted to adderall alongside gambling and  the booze and weed, and that he’d lied about everything in his life. This came out after many ‘attempts’ of sending me money back and me being on FaceTime whilst he made fake phone calls. I was crushed that he had lied so many times and for so long, but slowly he regained my trust and I stopped sending him money.
I went on holiday in November and couldn’t FaceTime him like I did pretty much all day (we just kept ourselves on the phone all the time pretty much and he’d have me on the phone as I slept and visa versa - I recognise this is very unhealthy now). When away he tried to get a couple of exes to talk to him and call him but none of them would, that’s without knowing about me, and being concerned about my behaviour my sister snooped his social media and found one of the exes to get an idea what he was like.
His ex told her that he was awful, evil and couldn’t be trusted. He was a scammer and that he’d never love anybody other than himself, he would like and cheat and steal to get ahead and he’d made her so depressed she wanted to kill herself. She also sent SSs of him drunkenly trying to get her to call him whilst I was away using sexual language and complimenting her.
My sister came to me and begged me to listen and look at the messages, again I was crushed, I spoke to him and told him I was done and he cried and confessed everything even about the other ex he spoke to. He spent so long explaining he was drunk and lonely and missed me and that’s why he did it that I eventually gave in and forgave him. He was so loving and sweet and apologetic that I told him as long as he never hurt me again that I would let sleeping dogs lie, he promised.

Fast forward a few months, things were ok, but I realised that his behaviour wasn’t normal, I asked him about his MH diagnosis, he said he was bipolar towards the start but I realised it didn’t fit the bill, I pressed him harder and he confessed it was BPD and so I did some research for my own sake and he fits it all so well I feel silly for not having known sooner. In this time his addictions became worse and he moved around a lot with his dad (very abusive, physically and emotionally to my partner and his step mum, very NPD one of the root causes I think to this whole thing) and he’d go through a cycle of idealisation and devaluation with me. He’d start an argument about something stupid then block me to punish me or he’d come up with another way to hurt me. I kept telling myself if I could just get to him he would see I’m not going anywhere and he doesn’t need to hurt us both anymore.
I finally went to see him for his birthday and it was a little rocky at times but we had the most amazing time together and didn’t want to let go when I returned. He vowed to get his passport and come to me next, for much longer, and he applied for his passport with my help the next day. His dad even paid for it.

He arrived a few months later and I was so happy and excited to see him but I knew something was off. I checked his phone and found that 2 weeks after I left his he’d been messaging another ex and they’d sent explicit content to one another both knowing about each other’s partner. My blood ran cold and my niceness fell away, in short I went ballistic and packed his stuff and threw him out of the house. He fought his way back in and pushed me hard and hurt me, he told me it was a revenge thing on her but it only hurt me. He promised he loved me, he’d travelled all the way to me to be with me and she meant nothing. Again, I was so tired and worn down I told him we’d work on it, he stayed and he deleted social media and all numbers to show me how little they meant to him and it was just me.
We had more arguments over the first few months as I was still so upset about what he did before he came here, and he ended up seriously hurting my wrist at one point in a blackout rage and I went to hospital to find it fractured but he was so enraged I called for help that I left without treatment.

That was the last time he ever touched me, he cried and cried and told me it was just an explosive reaction to something I said and he never meant to hurt me and again, I know it’s a theme, I forgave him.
He’s now given up booze, doesn’t take adderall, doesn’t gamble and only occasionally smokes weed and his mood and temperament is 100% better, we’ve had the most amazing few months of making plans and sorting out life. It was so lovely and exciting.

The reason I’m here is he got sick this last week and has been miserable, he’s been snappy and mean and I called him out on it and it escalated. We live together but he won’t talk to me and threatens to leave me as he’s ’sick of my mouth’ and I’m just trying to make sure he’s well and ok as he doesn’t have healthcare here or transportation if he were really sick.
I think I’m done with all of this, I know I’ve been in an abusive relationship all this time, he’s used me in the past and maybe he is now? I don’t know, what I do know is that I’m so tired. My work is suffering greatly because of him, I can’t concentrate, I want to die some days just to not have to feel the hurt with or without him.
 He’s cut off his family and I’m all he has left, I love him so much and just want him to be the him he was a few short days ago again, but his mood and attitude is killing me. I don’t know what to do, somebody please give me advice.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[LittleRedBarn]

https://perspectiveontrauma.com/2021/08/05/the-bridge-friedmans-fables/


I am so, so sorry that this has happened to you. I hope this story will help.

[TiredTurtle]

Thank you so much for sharing the story, I read it and cried a little, I think it struck a nerve which I think was your point.

He came and sat down with me last night and ate for the first time in 3 days, sadly before that he’d packed his bags, kicked me up against the wall and threatened to punch me in the face. I really don’t know this man sometimes.

[LittleRedBarn]

I can tell from your post how exhausted and ground down you are feeling.  The situation you are in is very, very hard.

Your first priority has to be your own safety. Domestic violence typically escalates, unless the abusive partner gets treatment.  Your first step has to be firm and clear boundaries around physical abuse, otherwise you are in very real physical danger.

Once you are physically safe, your next priority is your own mental health. What kind of a support network do you have? How has your sister taken your decision to stay in this relationship? Do you have friends and other family members that you can talk to about your partner? Do you have access to any counseling or therapy?

You could also consider reaching out to a domestic violence hotline. These are typically anonymous and they can help you to explore your options.

In my case, I became so ground down by my husband's behavior that I did something illegal, was arrested and narrowly avoided a jail sentence. Now I am facing a criminal record that will limit the type of job that I can do,  make it hard to rent a house etc. The type of abuse you describe in your post is something to be taken very seriously.

Please look after yourself first. You can worry about your partner later.

[MindfulBreath]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Sending you big, healing hugs of safety.

One question I would ask you: If someone you really cared about deeply (besides him) shared this story with you (your story, as if it were their own), what would your advice be to them?

I really wish that we had the capacity to care about our own health and well-being in the same way that we care about others.

You deserve love, truth, trust, and safety.