Object constancy - is that why they don't miss you?

[mjssmom]

Hi,
I just was wondering and maybe I don't fully understand what I'm talking about here but my understanding of object constancy is that  out of sight means out of mind.

At the time my ex dumped me for my replacement, he was working on remodeling his house because he wanted it ready for when I moved in.  Of course I contributed like decorating and stuff.  My presence is there pretty much all over the place.  He also owes me a little money and still has some of my stuff but refused to give it back when this happend.  Even called the police because of my attempts to try and get my stuff back.   He blocked me on FB and changed his phone number after that.  Even if I wanted to, I couldn't initiate contact because he's blocked every avenue I would have to contact him.  If I'm black it could be a while.  Even his own mother he black listed in August and as of the time he broke up with me, he still hadn't talked to her by the end of December though he didn't completely block her on FB or change his number like he did with me.

Thing is, he was always somewhat sentimental.  He constantly took selfies and stuff with us, he liked to look at those pics a lot when we were together and if he hasn't gotten rid of them, sometimes I wonder if he ever looks at them. Right after the breakup, while he immediately posting pics of him and the new flame, he also kept our picture up as well on FB for a few days until I told him to take it off then he complied a few days later .   In his house, he's surrounded by things that for a typical non, would remind them of a person after a breakup.   So despite his new girlfriend when she visits him there on their weekends, there are literally reminders of me all over his house and I have to wonder does he think of me due to  seeing these "objects" of me around his house?  Has he forgotten me except to only think of me in the context that I've been blacklisted?  I wonder if he really does hate me now? 

While other people feel he'll try to contact me later and recycle me, I'm not really sure about that.  He holds grudges.  I can't imagine him wanting anything to do with me and at the same time, I wonder about the questions I'm posting here, that if he ever thinks about me and gets at least brief pangs of missing me.  Why would he if I'm out of sight out of mind physically by not being with him? But then there's all this stuff of mine he probably still has too.  It seems to me from being at his house, that he tends to hold on to things from his past from what I've seen.

A few people have suggested to me he possibly is withholding the money and the items I wanted back so maybe he could have an opening to contact me later.  So where does lack of object constancy fit in here?  Yes I'm out of sight, but there are reminders of me everywhere in his own home from the bedding on his bed, to the dry wall in his living room I paid for and the paint he used.  To stuff in his kitchen cabinets I brought over and the bathroom towels to pics he has of us if he hasn't taken them off his phone and computer to underwear and clothes I kept in his dresser along side his stuff, etc.  And he's not a packer, he doesn't just gather up stuff and put it away somewhere.  He's just not like that. 

Does this question even make sense?  There just are reminders of me all over his house.  I have to wonder if he thinks of me at all in a good way ever being surrounded by what I left behind when he looks at these objects?  I doubt he got rid of any of it because I brought things into the house he really needed but couldn't afford.  And what about memories of the good things I did?  Like cook for him and clean his house and other things I helped him with?  The fun times we had as most every weekend we had off we go do fun things together.  I noticed when I was still watching FB at my worst through my cousin's account, he's literally taking this woman everywhere he took me to like he's trying to recreate our relationship with someone else.  Do people with BPD tend to do that? 

In typical r/s breakup, I think most healthy people think of this stuff.  Things they find around their homes are triggers to think about that person and creates nostalgic memories.  Does that happen at all with people with BPD? 

[noideaforname]

well i can help you with something i experienced... .

After the break up my ex still have not came back to her home... .
its been a month and a few days, and right on the next day after the break she went on a trip with a friend... .saw another friend and went on other trip... .asked more friends to others trips... .every time i reached her, she is certain we can't be together... .and that she has dreams to pursue and yada yada... .but she is doing the exact same things she's done with other Non's she dated.

for the things you think make them remember... .yeah they do... .while i was with her she had some gifts from others r/s and she would literally look at them and laugh while saying "im so happy that im happier now"... .she never deleted a photo with anyone and she liked to take a lot of selfies with me... .again, when she looked at photos with other ex's, she would just say that those were dark times and she didn't knew how bad those times were... .but now she saw since i was an angel in her life.

so in my point of view... .they can do something i hope i learn... .its the one thing i envy about the BPD, they can just place feelings instead of feeling them... .the real you is not in front of him... .so he convinces himself that the object is a memento of a time that made him feel bad... .the result is that they feel good that time has passed... .

about the recriation thing... .yup i have an ex and a friend both BPD... .they try to do that from my experience... .but they don't care what they had before in that place... .they just feel the moment... .my ex rarely had details of past situations... .only the ones where she could blame another person... .she never had a memory from previous ex where they were good to her... .they were always the devil... .
and now since she told me she is dating again... .i am the devil... .
its hard to think about all the good things... .but the truth is they don't care... .i asked her if she remembered the good things and she answered... .yeah... thanks for it... .you should try to live good things with other people now.

[mjssmom]

I'm just really curious because when I think about it he was with me longer than other women and I'm the only one that came close to moving in with him. And also he did not keep mementos from other women and doesn't have pictures of them. I also had all his passwords to his emails and his computer and his phone. He was completely transparent with me during our relationship. He just didn't save stuff other people as far as girlfriend's go. He held on to things that seemed sentimental to him from friends and good times he had in the past and in his youth but he didn't do that with other women. Just me. So I just was curious about why he would do that with me verme other prior gf's. I guess I have been hoping I was special to him in some way and that maybe he's still thinks of me that way fondly

[noideaforname]

i think you can be right... .but in other perspective...
after my break up... .my ex made a tattoo with something about me... .something we talked while on a r/s... .and she always told me she would remember me forever by doing that... .
two days after we broke up she sent me a picture with the tattoo done... .but was cold and distant talking to me... .
my point is... .you can be the one he will remember in a better way... .still... .he can skip the thought of you in 2 seconds... .as long as something interesting appears... .can be a person... .an object ... .or an action... .and "puff" ur gone.

[mjssmom]

Do these objects mean anything to them? I don't see the point of holding on to them. I got rid of absolutely everything in my house including pictures because they're just triggers for me

[noideaforname]

Do these objects mean anything to them? I don't see the point of holding on to them. I got rid of absolutely everything in my house including pictures because they're just triggers for me

well i can only say in my experience... .both my friend and my ex could detach the person behind the object... .
they would look at the object as just that... .not a lot of things in connection to that object... .
specially if it is something they like... .if its something they find beautifull... .they could concentrate on just that... .and forget it was even a gift

[mjssmom]

So it truly is like we no longer mean anything to them? They don't really miss us? We did before we were devalued and abandoned? That we always will mean nothing now?

[noideaforname]

well, again... .i can only speak from my ex and a friend of mine... .
you will always mean something to them... .but it will be always only or only bad... .and that can change on a daily basis.
my ex sometimes remembered her others r/s with a lot of kindness... .but it lasted no more than 5 seconds... .and she was talking about how they ruined her life... .
she would bring up conflicts from r/s that were over for more than 3 or 5 years... .and blame the other person for some issue she had... .

so yeah... .in a way they will always remember everybody they had something.

about the missing part... after 2 weeks after our break up my ex talked to me... .and i said to her that we should meet and do something fun... .she agreed in the blink of an eye... .5 minutes later she got another thing to do and said she wanted to keep distance... .

they can miss you if they are bored... .but first they will try to kill the boredom. if they lack options... .they miss what they had because its associated with a selective memory of a time and action with you that they weren't bored.

[mjssmom]

I have to say I think hardest part of this for me is not only the way I was suddenly discarded but he day before he loved me but also the fact that to him it was like our relationship never happened. That I mean absolutely nothing to him now. Not even fond memories of me. In fact the cheating part of it now that I know more about this illness doesn't really bother me because it just seems like it's part of it and his acting out. It's more the cruelty in which he abandoned me and that our relationship meant absolutely and means absolutely nothing to him.

[noideaforname]

the day before my r/s ended... .she was talking about having kids in the future... .we were talking about a trip we would take on the very next weekend and the next day she broke up with me by whatsapp message... .
i went to talk to her in person because i don't think its right to break up that way... .
she was with a big smile on her face... .looked at me and asked... "why are you so sad?" and talked to me like i was somebody she had met a few hours ago.

so yeah i know what you mean... .they can easily separate feelings and just feel the moment... .and in this moment we are not with them... .they have transferred their expectations to another external object of validation... .it hurts... .but shows that they were never really with you... .only with what you represented to them... .and they can paint that perspective as easily as we drink water.

[mjssmom]

It's been so difficult to accept that part of it. That they just move on as if you never meant anything to them. By all appearances for nine months our relationship was loving and close and we were bonded. He was so into me and pushing for a future for us. It's so hard to wrap your head around that it was real for you and it was never real for them.

[noideaforname]

well... .im starting to see things with diferent perspective... .
its not that it wasn't real for them... .it was real... .but it was a heat of the moment... .every moment.
they just move on because they can't stop feeling... .they can't stop because if they do they have to think and process, not only what happened between you too, but a lot of internal issues.

its more a way of surviving to them, if they stop and think... .they wither and break... .so they keep going with the waves, surfing every time a different wave appears... .

but you should know there are r/s that can provide those good feelings without all the manipulation... .its hard to admit we were manipulated... .but we were lead to believe what was shown, but their actions are the real deal.

in my case, she would change her mind about a lot of things in the same day... .
i know what you mean, a lot of people talk to me and say i dodged a bullet, that i should wave at the sky and thank the gods. But still its hard to see that way... .we cared... .we had feelings, and we can't just shut them up... .

but there is a good thing in all this, you are feeling, and you will improve. they don't, unless they get therapy they will keep on living moments until they feel they are tired and need another thing to follow and totally shut the previous... .

[noideaforname]

oh just to contribute with the start of this topic... .when you said about the out of sigh and out of mind.

my ex went on a one week vacation with her father, and we were talking less and less everyday... .one day she literally sent me a message like this "when we don't talk for more than like, 2 hours... .i even forget we are together, i even forget we have something"

i had little information about the BPD, and that got me like such a strange thing to say to somebody you have a serious r/s... .now i understand she was being serious... .they can really isolate facts, objects, memories and people.

i saw her after that vacation... .she was cold and distant... .3 days later... .break up.

[Confused108]

So sorry your going thru this. It $ucks to say the least. Mine was my childhood sweetheart. My mom broke us up ex went loopy and sent to a mental hospital. Painted me black after that. 1988 until 2013. Found me on FB and went after me until I was stupid and believed her lies in June 2015. Took me on a hellish ride for 2 months and literally 3 days before she dumped me thru an email wrote me this beautiful love letter that I was the love of her life crap. The. 3 days later she discarded me thru an email. I called her and she told me she never loved me. Then kept changing her mind every time I tried talking to her of why she ended the relationship. After that one call She would not speak to me anymore only thru text or email. She also kept pictures of every ex she ever had as well as taking notes on them. She even had a picture of me taken when I was 15 with mutual friends after I snuck out to hang with them and she came along bc I was there. Ignored me the whole time but snuck 2 pics of me I never knew existed. I told her I felt she saves things from every past encounter like a serial killer does with his/ her victims. It's in my opinion plan sick. Who knows maybe in some ways it is Tropies to them.

[mjssmom]

Oh wow Confused!  It is kinda serial killer-ish, very scary.  Some videos about BPD on youtube I've watched by counselors and doctors have me a bit nervous if he tries to recycle me and I say no.  They say people with BPD can be very stalker like and dangerous when they get upset with you and my ex could have quite the rages.

It's weird.  My understanding is I was the longest r/s he's had in a long time.  He has some of my stuff.  We took tons of pics.  I have full access to his email, FB, cell phone... .he was totally transparent in those respects.  I had free reign in his house as if I already lived there as I came and went as I pleased even when he wasn't home.  And I KNOW he hasn't kept any past momentos from prior r/s.  So I wonder why keep stuff in regards to me?  Even his sister told me she's told him to give me my stuff back and pay me my money but she says he refuses to talk about other than than the first time she said something he said no.  Just why keep the stuff?  It's weird and I admit, makes me kinda nervous. 

[Turkish]

I can understand this,  perhaps, from a clinical perspective, but emotionally, it's hard.  

My ex basically abandoned everything she brought into our r/s. I shuttled it to her parents' house for over a month.  For a time, she became someone different. I think she left these things to start anew. No reminders.

3 years later,  this month, I invited her into our kids' room. I saw her pause to look at collages of us and the kids put together earlier in the year she left.  Since her r/s imploded this past year,  I also received subtly telegraphed signs of regret ("sorry I'm late,  I was looking at old pics of the kids". Quite the switch of what I viewed as the total obliviousness I see you describing,  which I experienced at the time.  

When triggered, a pwBPD can collapse into themselves,  oblivious of others.  My ex went into that black hole (and her possibly stbxh is along for the ride). It long angered and frustrated me,  yet now I see it as "she did what she did to survive emotionally." We can't change this.  We can only work on ourselves.  It, well,  sucks what you are going through.  I was there.  I had members tell me this.  I didn't believe it... .but time helps,  even though it's hard to look forward through the pain of the present.  

Keep posting, but also reading on these things (the lessons,  understanding BPD behaviors). Detachment goes in stages.  It takes as long as it takes for each of us.

This might help you at this stage: BPD BEHAVIORS: Lack of object consistency

Tell us what you think.

T