Split Black Forever?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It was a roller coaster of an abusive 2 year relationship that ended very poorly. In the first 6 months or so I would rarely fight back intensely but would consistently tell her that I wasn't her enemy, that people don't talk to each other like that, etc. She would rage on me and say the most hurtful things and then within an hour be talking marriage and how I was the one, her soulmate, what she had been waiting or all of her life, etc. As the RS progressed I became more resentful with her terrible behavior and we would frequently engage in text wars where she would say terrible things and I would occasionally too but most of my responses were around her being disrespectful, rude, condescending, negative, constant whining and criticism, starting fights for no reason, etc. She would start crying and her family would see her like this and she started to demonize me to them. She of course did not share with them or own her part. This got to the point where her oldest (20) hated me and blamed me for everything. We were off and on all summer and at one point she texted out of the blue that we were going to make this work, get married, be together forever, etc. Within a week she rages out of the blue and says we are done forever but that she wont be dating again because no one could ever replace me. I freaked out (very addicted) and sent hundreds of text messages that day. Within a week or two I find out she had already had my replacement, got drunk twice and sent flurries of nasty texts. She had her adult kids respond and tell me to leave her alone and that if I contacted her again the police would be involved.

It has been 4.5 months. I see her in traffic now and then and we both kinda look the other way (well the first time I saw her she kinda stared but I ignored and now we both kinda look away). My understanding is the replacement is already gone (maybe he objected to being swore at or abused on a frequent basis).

Anyway, I for some reason hope that we can at least have a little closure at some point and that she doesn't hate me forever (if anyone should be hating it should be me!).

I'm hoping maybe a year or two down the road we can possible say a few words and at least make it less awkward as the town we live in isn't that big. I feel like she may have rewritten history though and hates me forever.

Do you think I'm painted black for eternity?

[Duped 1]

It was a roller coaster of an abusive 2 year relationship that ended very poorly. In the first 6 months or so I would rarely fight back intensely but would consistently tell her that I wasn't her enemy, that people don't talk to each other like that, etc. She would rage on me and say the most hurtful things and then within an hour be talking marriage and how I was the one, her soulmate, what she had been waiting or all of her life, etc. As the RS progressed I became more resentful with her terrible behavior and we would frequently engage in text wars where she would say terrible things and I would occasionally too but most of my responses were around her being disrespectful, rude, condescending, negative, constant whining and criticism, starting fights for no reason, etc. She would start crying and her family would see her like this and she started to demonize me to them. She of course did not share with them or own her part. This got to the point where her oldest (20) hated me and blamed me for everything. We were off and on all summer and at one point she texted out of the blue that we were going to make this work, get married, be together forever, etc. Within a week she rages out of the blue and says we are done forever but that she wont be dating again because no one could ever replace me. I freaked out (very addicted) and sent hundreds of text messages that day. Within a week or two I find out she had already had my replacement, got drunk twice and sent flurries of nasty texts. She had her adult kids respond and tell me to leave her alone and that if I contacted her again the police would be involved.

It has been 4.5 months. I see her in traffic now and then and we both kinda look the other way (well the first time I saw her she kinda stared but I ignored and now we both kinda look away). My understanding is the replacement is already gone (maybe he objected to being swore at or abused on a frequent basis).

Anyway, I for some reason hope that we can at least have a little closure at some point and that she doesn't hate me forever (if anyone should be hating it should be me!).

I'm hoping maybe a year or two down the road we can possible say a few words and at least make it less awkward as the town we live in isn't that big. I feel like she may have rewritten history though and hates me forever.

Do you think I'm painted black for eternity?

[once removed]

it was a nasty ending for all involved. it can or may take a while for things to cool off.

having said that its been four and a half months. how do you feel about a short, polite note something along the lines of "sorry about how things ended (or sucks how things ended if you prefer) hope youre doing well." youve said your piece, she can respond or not.

[Duped 1]

Once Removed-

My fear is that if I contact her  she may get her kids involved again. I do have a blanket that her mother made for me that I intend to get back to her at some point but I was thinking I may wait a year or so to offer it.

Thoughts?

Thank You!

[once removed]

My fear is that if I contact her  she may get her kids involved again.

good point. the blanket strikes me as a side item. it was a gift to you.

have you considered writing a closure letter for you, that you dont send?

[Duped 1]

So you think I should try your suggestion in a year or so?

[once removed]

So you think I should try your suggestion in a year or so?

if you still want to. if you happen to run into her down the line, thats just as well.

[Duped 1]

Any other thoughts on this? Is it likely that I'm split black forever?

[VeganButEatMyMea]

Any other thoughts on this? Is it likely that I'm split black forever?

Yes probably.  Holding on to another hope is insane to be honest.  At this point you can't control anything except yourself.  Wishing/hoping for 1 second that she'll come back/split you white is a second wasted.  I know it's painful (I'm only 2 months from d-day) but you must improve yourself and get prepare for a life without her as best as you can.

From my readings here: if they every split you black you will never be as white as before EVER.  You've already failed in the BPD's eyes to be perfect and save them from the pain... .you will never go back on the pedestal.  They will try to find the "perfection" (which us nons know there's nothing in the world that's perfect) with someone else.  I'm sorry, stay strong, always move forward.

[Confused108]

Well I don't know about that. My ex split me.Black for 26 years. 1988 until 2013. I was so stupid for listening to her bull $hit and in 2015 after her pursuing me from 2013 until June 2015 I went back . Well after 2 months of pure push / pull hell and rages ,lies she discarded me ... .again ... .and painted me black ... .again... since Oct 2015. Since then I've been stalked by her thru social media. Prank calls on my house phone and cel. Fake FB messages, and crazy weird emails. But since Dec 2016 I have not heard a peep . So maybe  it's finally over. I think this time I will remain painted black but who knows.

[noideaforname]

i don't think they will paint somebody black forever... .i mean ever... .
my ex hated her previous ex... .but when he deleted her from his facebook... .she went crazy and simply doesn't hate him anymore...

her first boyfriend threw a vodka bottle at her calling her a lot of names... she hated him... .after we broke up... .she went to smoke pot with him after not seeing him for five years... .

[apollotech]

i don't think they will paint somebody black forever... .i mean ever... .
my ex hated her previous ex... .but when he deleted her from his facebook... .she went crazy and simply doesn't hate him anymore...

her first boyfriend threw a vodka bottle at her calling her a lot of names... she hated him... .after we broke up... .she went to smoke pot with him after not seeing him for five years... .

Like a few others here, I do not believe in the "out of their lives forever philosophy". If the right circumstances are present,, I think a pwBPD can do a 180, go from devaluation to idealization in a heartbeat. It is up to the Non to be prepared for that.

[lipstick]

I am also of the belief that we are not "black" forever.

I'm four (+) years removed from my relationship with BPDex. Was painted black in December of 2013 - blocked on social media and pretty much erased from existence.

I've had weird things happen off and on since that time that I believe are connected to my ex. My theory is that even though I may no longer  be painted black, he is WAY too ashamed of what he did. He does not have the courage (or the maturity) to actually initiate contact with me. Which is just fine with me. 

I believe a lot of our exes would like to initiate contact with us - but fear of rejection, shame, immaturity, etc... keeps them from doing so. Anyone else agree with this theory?   

[hope2727]

"I believe a lot of our exes would like to initiate contact with us - but fear of rejection, shame, immaturity, etc... keeps them from doing so."

I totally agree. I also think this is a large part of why they re-write history to accommodate a better version of their behaviour.

So sad in reality. 

[earlyL]

"I believe a lot of our exes would like to initiate contact with us - but fear of rejection, shame, immaturity, etc... keeps them from doing so."

I totally agree. I also think this is a large part of why they re-write history to accommodate a better version of their behaviour.
 

I absolutely agree with both these thoughts. I feel like I have hit a point in our break up where there would be no going back and she is very aware of it. I think even she knows that she is not capable of saying what would need to be said to move on from her behaviour.

[Duped 1]

Mine is such as spineless coward in every aspect of her life that I can't see her ever reaching out, especially considering how she replaced me and lied to me

[Confused108]

I am also of the belief that we are not "black" forever.

I'm four (+) years removed from my relationship with BPDex. Was painted black in December of 2013 - blocked on social media and pretty much erased from existence.

I've had weird things happen off and on since that time that I believe are connected to my ex. My theory is that even though I may no longer  be painted black, he is WAY too ashamed of what he did. He does not have the courage (or the maturity) to actually initiate contact with me. Which is just fine with me. 

I believe a lot of our exes would like to initiate contact with us - but fear of rejection, shame, immaturity, etc... keeps them from doing so. Anyone else agree with this theory?   

Yup 100% agreed. And the same weird things have also happened to me months after she disguarded me Sept 2015. Fake Facebook messages. Hang ups on both Cel and home phone. Crazy strange emails. Call from Canada on my cel. My ex lives there I'm in NY. This lasted right up to Dec 2016. Jan 1 2017 I got a weird strange email that sounds a lot like my ex. But since then everything has stopped.