Thanks for the support

[Icefog]

I just found this forum and have been reading people's experiences about borderlines leaving. It is extremely validating for me as mine left three months ago very abruptly and I have been suffering immensely and attempting to sort myself out. When I look at her familial and relationship history and her behavior I cannot believe I didn't see it. I can relate to what many in the forums are saying. The thing is is that even after 3 months I am very vulnerable. What makes it even harder is we work peripherally together and it's like I don't exist. She went from telling people one day that we had the best relationship in the world to the next day breaking off a 3 year relationship and all contact period! It was the most cold and brutal thing that's ever occurred to me by another person. When I look at her traits and her history my eyes are wide open but it doesn't stop the pain... .it's excruciating at times.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Icefog, and welcome to BPD Family   

The pain of your relationship ending that way must have been heart-wrenching  . There are many, many members here who can relate. Having to work with her makes it all so much more difficult to recover from and there are members who can relate to that as well. Three months is still early days and no doubt you will have a lot of conflicting emotions to sort out. I understand how excruciating it can be and want to give you hope that it does get better. I’m still recovering, but truly the intense pain of those earlier days has died down. Occasionally it makes an appearance, but for the most part it’s got better. It will for you too. Are you seeing a therapist or considering it? This really helped me as did reading and posting here. Welcome, we’re here to help you through this 

[Huh?]

I just found this forum and have been reading people's experiences about borderlines leaving. It is extremely validating for me as mine left three months ago very abruptly and I have been suffering immensely and attempting to sort myself out. When I look at her familial and relationship history and her behavior I cannot believe I didn't see it. I can relate to what many in the forums are saying. The thing is is that even after 3 months I am very vulnerable. What makes it even harder is we work peripherally together and it's like I don't exist. She went from telling people one day that we had the best relationship in the world to the next day breaking off a 3 year relationship and all contact period! It was the most cold and brutal thing that's ever occurred to me by another person. When I look at her traits and her history my eyes are wide open but it doesn't stop the pain... .it's excruciating at times.

Icefog, how were you accepted into her family? Where you triangulated with them at all? I'm curious because you mentioned them.

The only reason I ask is my exes family was a mess... .single mothers, divorcees, illegitimate half sisters and brothers, cheating, drunks and addicts... .etc etc... .all of them.  My ex was the so called, "good girl" and "black sheep" that needed rescue (her words)  However, she refused to seperate herself from them continually threw herself into the middle of some chaos and then looked to me to save her from it... .which in turn drove a wedge into our relationship and ended up making her family hate me.

I was also eventually cut off.

Nobody can save them from the mess they came from... .only they can.  If they don't have any kind of stability as a child, there's no way they will have it as an adult.  This is how the disordered are made.  Not all people from a horrible childhood turn out this way, but a large majority do.

The sad part is that it is a cycle that repeats itself over and over again, with each subsequent disordered generation within the "family".

Welcome to the board.  It's a great place to learn. Learn as much as you can, and arm yourself with the tools to identify women that will make for a healthy relationship in the future.

[Icefog]

Holy cow " huh". The familial dynamic you mention and my response to it is identical with your experience. Her family and friends are a mess as well and I spent a lot of time helping her with them but to no avail. She was also considered the " good girl" and comparatively speaking she is. She also refused to do anything differently and would inject herself into drama with her family and friends and then expect me to continually help her without her doing things differently... .I was so exhausted after two years I had to take time off from work as I was working for several hours after work ( I'm a psychologist... .go figure). The thing is that despite being a psychologist I never recognized the BPD for a long period of time due to her high functioning and the way she presented.

[GlennT]

Can you get a position in another area if one becomes available? It would be less triggering and easier on your mental health not to work with her, and do NC, along with a support network, in the long run.

[Icefog]

I am looking for a new position now Glenn as it has been very difficult for me to have to continually respond to emails and be in meetings with her. Talk about exposure therapy.

[Huh?]

Holy cow " huh". The familial dynamic you mention and my response to it is identical with your experience. Her family and friends are a mess as well and I spent a lot of time helping her with them but to no avail. She was also considered the " good girl" and comparatively speaking she is. She also refused to do anything differently and would inject herself into drama with her family and friends and then expect me to continually help her without her doing things differently... .I was so exhausted after two years I had to take time off from work as I was working for several hours after work ( I'm a psychologist... .go figure). The thing is that despite being a psychologist I never recognized the BPD for a long period of time due to her high functioning and the way she presented.

Figured.  It's a losing proposition isn't it?  

After I got out a relationship with a overt NPD woman, my first real relationship my cousin gave me some advice for when I started dating again. Meh told me to really examine your potential mates familial history... .for her closest relationships growing up during the formative years really help indicate the mental well being of an individual.

When I first my my most recent ex waif/hermt fiance... .she answered all the questions wrong... .every single one of them.  I knew I was making a big mistake pursuing her... .but I didn't listen to my cousins advice.  One trip to hell later, I can now see why the family history and current relationship status of her family members are extremely important.

Of course this isn't always true, my mom came from a broken home and didn't know her dad until she was 18... .and she turned out just fine, married to my dad til the day he died and hasn't dated since fourteen years later; she's still in love with him.

But as a whole, I definitely learned my lesson.  I never want to be in that dynamic again with another's woman's family.

The patterns are always very similar with the disordered... .up to us to recognize it and bail before we get dragged under.

[Icefog]

I knew her family history as she told me about it very early on. I also knew her relationship history as she disclosed that very early as well... .in classic BPD fashion. I still made the decision to be with her despite this as she professed to have done some treatment. She did do treatment but it was not specific to her BPD features and rather it was family of origin and anger therapy. Also in classic BPD fashion she learned to internalize her anger as opposed to managing it in a healthy way. As you can imagine this just created resentment, poor communication, avoidance and no ability to process or solve relationship problems. When I attempted to address issues she would split... .I could see it happening. Rather than making the choice to address any concerns I had she just left... .abruptly and by text message. When I look at her pattern of behavior in many other relationships it's identical... .idealize, devalue, groom another before leaving, leave and on to the next. I was number 7 that I know of. It's text book and I didn't see it... .and frankly I was so in love with her it wouldn't have mattered. Despite knowing this it does very little to take away my pain. My head sometimes gets it and I understand it clinically but my head also plays tricks with me because of the lonely feelings I get which make me very vulnerable. Also I have a propensity to be attracted to that personality style so I find stable, well adjusted partners boring and bail on them... .that's my work to do... .I sure don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't want to be the cause of anyone feeling like this. It can be excruciating but it is becoming more manageable. I can now sleep again, my food intake is increasing and I'm putting some weight back on and I'm not solely thinking about her every waking hour... .although she does take up a lot of time in my head. Also what I find curious is that I developed anxiety while I was with her and it really amplified when she left. I have never had anxiety before and this isn't exactly my first rodeo... .

[Huh?]

I knew her family history as she told me about it very early on. I also knew her relationship history as she disclosed that very early as well... .in classic BPD fashion. I still made the decision to be with her despite this as she professed to have done some treatment. She did do treatment but it was not specific to her BPD features and rather it was family of origin and anger therapy. Also in classic BPD fashion she learned to internalize her anger as opposed to managing it in a healthy way. As you can imagine this just created resentment, poor communication, avoidance and no ability to process or solve relationship problems. When I attempted to address issues she would split... .I could see it happening. Rather than making the choice to address any concerns I had she just left... .abruptly and by text message. When I look at her pattern of behavior in many other relationships it's identical... .idealize, devalue, groom another before leaving, leave and on to the next. I was number 7 that I know of. It's text book and I didn't see it... .and frankly I was so in love with her it wouldn't have mattered. Despite knowing this it does very little to take away my pain. My head sometimes gets it and I understand it clinically but my head also plays tricks with me because of the lonely feelings I get which make me very vulnerable. Also I have a propensity to be attracted to that personality style so I find stable, well adjusted partners boring and bail on them... .that's my work to do... .I sure don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't want to be the cause of anyone feeling like this. It can be excruciating but it is becoming more manageable. I can now sleep again, my food intake is increasing and I'm putting some weight back on and I'm not solely thinking about her every waking hour... .although she does take up a lot of time in my head. Also what I find curious is that I developed anxiety while I was with her and it really amplified when she left. I have never had anxiety before and this isn't exactly my first rodeo... .

My ex did the exact same thing, rather than deal with the issue or come to a compromise... .it was easier for her just to move on to the next person.

It's a miserable way to live because they never find that perfect relationship... .and I think they find comfort in that... .as soon as they are discovered and unmasked, just move on... .just like that.

The hardest part is definitely coming to the realization that it's over, and she isn't coming back this time... .but harder than that, is realizing that if she ever did... .I cannot be with her knowing she's been with another.

Did your ex recycle you at all in the past? Or was this your first break up with her?
Be careful of that.

My ex used our "breaks" to date "just friends that only wanted sex"... .whatever that means (I know what it means)

Best of luck in your healing.  I wouldn't beat yourself up to bad, we all have to learn and you're an empath... .obviously why you got into your profession.  I work on cars for a living... .the last thing I'd want to do is work on cars when I get home; I just want to relax and rest in peace.  You should try and adopt the same attitude towards the "projects" you deal with daily and do your best to avoid them in your homelife as well.  Life should be easier that way.

[Icefog]

Thanks for that. To answer your question no I haven't been recycled but am keenly aware that it's a possibility and that at any given moment I'm vulnerable to going back. It's interesting because not long before I spoke with her about issues in the relationship (her substance abuse and disrespectful behavior towards me) she mentioned that she had gone back with several previous partners. When I queried why her response was " I wasn't finished yet". The curious part in that for me and I remember thinking this clearly was that there was absolutely no feeling attached to it at all. In fact when I look back now I can't recall a time when she ever generated true empathy for anyone or anything... .including towards myself. When I would experience pain whether physical or emotional I always got the sense that she was not open to hearing that. In fact she made a point of telling me early on that when previous partners were struggling she just asked them to leave or wouldn't be around. I am embarrassed that I missed many of these red flags.