I took that as an accusation I was being a DV abuser.

[bolted]

Hey there!

So after my first post where I had just discovered this as a possible cause of havoc in our (my 30 wife and my 30 year old self) lives I have moved forwards a bit but massively backwards today : (

I had attempted to establish boundaries and get myself help while trying to create a supportive environment. I probably got a 6/10 if I'm lucky,but I tried. My partner and I were in seperare therapy for ourselves.

During this time my partner came to me, and said I think I may have BPD, well i thought I had screwed up and mentioned it or left a webpage open or something... .but no, she said she googled her behaviours and problems and arrived at this. I don't want to ve sceptical but I hope that the truth.

Well since that point her behaviour has become more unpredictable and bizaare.

She seems to be much better and enthuasistic about help but then shifts and her manic side is scarier than ever.

It essentially culminated in her percieving a guilt trip I planned revolving around when my father came to fix her car on the weekend. I had in no way contacted him and was myself a little frustrated he did that but appreciative of the help all the same. She however decided this was a planned guilt trip. The end result was she spat this out in a rage, while doing the 60 mile drive back from a what was meant to be a relaxing weekend at a lake, and decided that crashing the car was the answer.

She pulled both seatbelts off us, threw some fists  at my face and said something about 'into a tree'. I managed to get the situation under control, just (was wet).

I was trying to deal with the aftermath quietly and somewhat healthily without antagonising.

BUT here is where my behaviours broke down. damn.

Thursday morning I asked how she was and got the standard 'full on ' response... .then she asked me how i was and I tried to answer without falling into our feedback loop where I reach for love and she rejects.

Long and short she went manic, sprinted out the door to work and reached to her boss for help.

My error is as follows:

called her work trying to see if she had turned up, spoke to her boss and she said she was in crisis and she was supporting her. sais nice things, but in the end mentioned 'I think you need help with your domestic violence issue' - I took that as an accusation I was being a DV abuser.

Then my partner sent a wall-o-text message where in the first paragraph she said I need help with DV issues.

I saw red after that first paragraph, with what I have lived lately and just 'ended it' (number 1 of 60 eh?) off the back of being labelled a DV abuser by her boss and herself. Prettty much a fall emotional breakdown from me, I lost control. I sent untold texts, said brutally honest things and would have come across as domineering I think. Straight up said this. is. it. for. us. due to the DV accusation after an attempt on my life

Problem is in the cold light of day and upon re-reading her message... .her and her boss were saying YOU need help because YOU have been abused : (

My wife was saying (if I had have gotten past the DV sentence) :

I want to stop doing this to you, you deserve more. I want to step away and get my sh!t together and find healthy help, but you need to not have abuse and I need to sort my sh!t. I have all these helps line phone numbers if required, T appointment tomorrow, DV T appointment in 5 days, Staying at a friends, just want to stop abusing you right now and get some distance to figure out how to help herself and then get that help.

Dunno what I'm saying... .maybe that it got waaaaaay beyond unacceptable and I reacted to that and potentially  made a mess out of my wife trying her best that she knows right now?


eh




'

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[gotbushels]

Hi bolted  

Sometimes when people shift behaviours from enthusiastic to hectic, it seems scary.

I don't know what she was thinking or how she arrived at the BPD statement. It can be hard when someone accuses you of a serious disorder.

We're here to help and support each other. When we experience losing control over our behaviour, we may feel disappointed with how we handled things. When a person gets carried away before seeing the whole message, it can carry the disappointment deeper. I think this is a signal to us that what we're doing isn't working.  

How are you feeling?  

[Meili]

Hey bolted:

I think that we've all lost control at one point or another and said things that we regret. I hope that you're not beating yourself up over it. Hopefully it can be a learning experience and a chance to grow.

As gotbussels said, the drastic shifts can be scary and cause us to act emotionally, especially when we've been dealing with it for a while. All that we can do is regain our composure, examine why we did what we did, and figure out how to do it differently the next time.

What's the status of everything today?

[bolted]

Bit better today.

You are both spot on, I feel disappointed and guilty. But I clearly am not managing my own emotions in the way I'm trying to allow her help.

There is a very plain reason I snapped, I can't reach out to katie with any concerns, she is giving me a lot of concerns... .I am struggling to find a happy medium of not triggering her and caring for me.

I think its beginning to dawn on me just how frivolous it is trying to fix a relationship that has reached the depths mine has. When they get messy and nasty and cruel there is failure 99.99999999998% of the time. It might cycle and I might think its improving... .but I think I know what going to happen.

And I think that the crash the car incident is kinda a turning point for me. I am finally able to say I deserve better and mean it.  I feel I owe her enough to park that feeling until she can get a bit of help and then re-assess. But I don't know if I can... .

thanks guys

[Meili]

I know that it can all feel very futile and hopeless. It gets very hard to see any other outcome when you've been living in that type of situation for a long time. But, there are other possible outcomes.

Her shifts have gotten worse since she started thinking about having BPD traits? This could be because of the shame and fear of abandonment that would come with the knowledge that she's less than perfect. Can you Listen with Empathy when she mentions it?

Something to remember is that when a non starts to define and maintain boundaries, a pwBPD may have Extinction Bursts. This will cause them to ramp up their behaviors for a time being. Does that seem to be what is happening for you?

Also, have you read the topic on how How to respond to heightened emotions? There are five simple steps in the thread that can help lead to better outcomes when the pwBPD is dysregulated.

[bolted]

I know that it can all feel very futile and hopeless. It gets very hard to see any other outcome when you've been living in that type of situation for a long time. But, there are other possible outcomes.

Her shifts have gotten worse since she started thinking about having BPD traits? This could be because of the shame and fear of abandonment that would come with the knowledge that she's less than perfect. Can you Listen with Empathy when she mentions it?

Something to remember is that when a non starts to define and maintain boundaries, a pwBPD may have Extinction Bursts. This will cause them to ramp up their behaviors for a time being. Does that seem to be what is happening for you?

Also, have you read the topic on how How to respond to heightened emotions? There are five simple steps in the thread that can help lead to better outcomes when the pwBPD is dysregulated.

She has become worried about being abandoned now she is a little more accepting of her behaviour and considering BPD... .and is heading towards realising its been hell for me, and probably dysrevulating like mad. I try to understand and validate her by openly accepting her feelings even though I dont understand and by asking her to elaborate. I am for paraphrasing her to let her know I hear her. not great at it, but thats my goal.

extinction bursts. wow. I'm no trained MH professional but my gosh. This sounds so so right.

I will read the third link in greater detail after work.

Right now I myself am so frustrated and trying not to contact her, but I will fail. I'm going outta my mind and want to know what is happening... .but if she wants distance to figure it out I guess I have to accept it, even if it feels cruel and like another control method.

Man, my T appointment on Monday is probably a good thing XD

[livednlearned]

Hi Bolted,

Feeling pushed to the point of snapping is pretty common! It's great that you are in therapy, that can really help reset things.

It's a good time for both of you to cool your jets. You don't have to make big sweeping decisions about the relationship, though I know that's easier said than felt.

She just made a big potentially life-changing discovery -- someone who has affect instability and problems with cognition and all that. It changed the dynamic and got scary. You felt the shift and reacted with your own stuff.

What was the last communication like?

[bolted]

Her last comms was somewhat normal and healthy- see end of my first post.

My reply was a freakout 'end the relationship' comms.
I told her in no uncertain terms that an attempt on my.life followed up days later with accusarions at me as DV abuser meant I'm straight up dobe with your arse.

I have since realised I over reacted, I mean if she is paintig me as a DV abuser to her workmates under the guise of getting help then I stand by my words. Thats it. But if I misunderstood I would like the chance to try contextualise and explain my over reaction.

She is (I think) refusing to communicate, I sent a msg explaining what I inferred, how I over reacted, and that is not behaviour I accept from me and apologise.

But I have a sneaking suspicion she will take the get out now message and  run with that.

tl:dr, I got no idea, I went to far and tried to end it,tried to come back down and explain but I feel she is not interested

[bolted]

Ok, so now I really am spinning.

She has contacted me with a firm and cold 'no contact'.

I want to offer her that but I would love to have her tell me what is happenning here. Is this a 'no contact' from her spinning a DV story? no contact to get some breathing space? no contact for some other reason? No contact to disengage from our relationship?

I guess its part of who I am that after the last 10 years and all my efforts, to be met with indifference and using distance in a way that feels like silent treatment is super hard to stomach. I guess I also worry she has told some stories and has got mental health people giving her a shell to hide in off the back of it.

Or maybe I'm an abusive arsehole who Katie needs protection from. I'm positive it isn't, but I have to consider it.

My biggest problem is that I'm just about done. If this is going to be the way she proceeds after all the pain I am going to act out. I don't want to, but there is no way I can accept 'no contact' without an explanation... .and I will move on from her, I fear as soon as tonight if she can't give me a clue as to what I'm holding on for.



gaaaaaaaah.

I'll be right, but today and tomorrow are going to suck.

I guess she did indicate she wanted healthy distance that I misinterpreted and made a mess of and its on me thats I'm not sure? I should have been better when she texted me, cause I dont think she will rationalise any of this.


at the end of the day distance is healthy, but there is a rigt and a wrong way to go about getting that

[bolted]

^and a right and wrong way to go about honouring that request.

I'm really struggling with that part, but its true. I guess my error I keep referring to I have to not only own the mistake, but properly accept the consequences.

Accept it regardless of my opinion on said consequences or my confusion that I created about her request for space or how I think would be a fair way to request that of your spouse.

Thats gonna be too easy : /  : /

[Skip]

I am struggling to find a happy medium of not triggering her and caring for me.

The best thing to do right now is be calm and polite and cooperative. Reacting is not helping the situation and it not helping you.

When couples get into a high drama state - especially if there are third parties involved - everything you say and do has an audience and is seen through the filter of a biased communicator. Don't through few on the fire. It you lose it - it will be seen as abusive. If you beg or insist or text frantically - it will be seen as stalking.

However hard that it is, lay back and be supportive. Don't worry about what she is saying, pwBPD are impulsive and moods shift. Give her room to shift in a positive direction.

I know you are upset. I want to do right by you. Take your time. Sort this out. There is no pressure.

[bolted]

When couples get into a high drama state - especially if there are third parties involved - everything you say and do has an audience and is seen through the filter of a biased communicator. Don't through few on the fire. It you lose it - it will be seen as abusive. If you beg or insist or text frantically - it will be seen as stalking.

This I think is particularly good info. I started to really consider that today and pulled myself back. Re-iterating that to me has only made that clearer, especially the part about third parties with natural bias (to be expected). That part I had not thoroughly considered somehow.

I had already made the decision to honour her request 100% and have kept that so far (not long, from lunch til now (midnight) and was intending to maintain, and try find some version of solace and answers elsewhere for me. thanks for helping me double down on that thought.

Pretty sure that no matter what direction she goes from here me behaving like this is the best option right now. And truth be told I need some space, desperately wanted it, so seriously this will be good for both of us. I will just try see that as a win and try ignore how the win came about... .

[Skip]

I'd be positive, upbeat, no pouting, don't do anything that looks controlling.

I might also quietly enroll in anger management classes and don't say anything about it until after the first class is completed.

Here is an example:
Tuesday  7 & 21 March and 4 & 18 April  2017  - 8am to 9am; 9.30am to 10.30am; 11am-12pm
For further information contact us or call 1300 559 337.

Show her that you are looking to lead and do the work. Hopefully she will respect this and follow your lead. Give her time. She will probably be suspicious at first and will need to see you engage it  before she starts reflecting on herself.

[bolted]

I think you may avoid answering this as it is a question that is probably not something you would want to touch. Anyway I'll ask, if the questions is not replied to or talked around I understand :

Do you think I would benefit personally from anger management from my behaviour/demeanour? Or that it would be an astute decision if I am worried about being perceived as abusive? A good sign for my partner to grow? Or whatever reason you consider?

I like opinions, another POV is one my favourite things : )

With or without a reply I will book in. It can't hurt.

[Skip]

  Best case:

Do you think it would be an astute decision if I am worried about being perceived as abusive? A good sign for my partner to grow? Or whatever reason you consider?

  Best case:

Do you think I would benefit personally from anger management from my behaviour/demeanour?

To answer your question, I can't possibly know. It's a win - win move. We don't get too many of those in life.  You said one thing that is concerning - you react and then look back and think you over-reacted... .it would be better if you could catch that before it comes out.

Incidentally, that is what BPD therapy is about too. Knowing that you react and catching it before it affects other people.

Check this out. I will admit that the first time I viewed it I thought it was a geeky guy with kinda zen BS, but stick with it. This is a good lesson for every man. It's long. Watch it over dinner... .


Date: Dec-2014Time: 1 hour
Anger Management For Everyone  | Noah Elkrief

[bolted]

  You said one thing that is concerning - you react and then look back and think you over-reacted... .it would be better if you could catch that before it comes out.

Stop making so much sense please XD

I have probably set myself a trap here in trying to offer Katie support I'm not properly equipped to give. I reckon I undercut my needs to help her ; instead of focusing on me and my needs first and offering what I am properly equipped to offer.

This (amongst other things surely) has left me with a diminished ability to react reasonably to all situations.

I don't want to fall in that trap and its not who I am.  I really need to pay some more attention to me, but am not really the best at acknowledging I'm as vunerable as everyone else.

I should not have pushed away the pain of the incident in the car on the weekend. That is clear to me now that I shouldn't have just let that be without seeking help for myself.

[livednlearned]

Hi bolted,

You might find this book helpful.

A lot of us here have applied these skills to our relationships and helped us understand our own triggers and reactions, how to curb them.

LnL

[Meili]

I'm sorry that you're struggling so much with this. I remember those moments, they are incredibly hard. It's really natural to be confused about all of it and to not know how to react or respond. 

I have read the book that LnL linked. Something else that helped me was to understanding my role in the relationship. They both aided in my understand myself and my contributions to my relationship better. I would react to my emotions and allow them to control me rather than just experience them.

It may also be a benefit to you to try and not look at this period of NC (no contact) as a completely bad thing. As LnL said, it gives you both time to take a breath and a step back. Believe me, many of us here understand how hard that is accept and do. Just reading a few of the posts by others here will show you that.

But, if you don't give her the space that she needs you may make things worse for yourself. I know that it's scary to let it rest for a bit, but if you try to control the situation it'll likely just get inflamed. None of us want that for you.

[bolted]

I'm doing fine with no contact today, I have managed to just give the frustrations away as pointless and just accept it. Also accept it for the better for both of us. Very confident I won't change on that, but I will doubt it probably early mornings and late evenings. Thats ok.

Its not that it isn't still a subject that doesnt suck : it's confusing that my efforts to get her help (she has been a hundred fold worst in the last year and I've been doing my best to get her towards pro help) has ended in this. I wonder how I will accept being on what feels like the receiving end of this crazy turmoil. It's not that I don't have a large part in this all, just that I feel like a bit of a slave to all this destruction if that makes sense.

I'm not 'in the right' here, but my efforts and intentions in the last twelve months have been reasonable and simple for the largest part (you are worth taking care of yourself, but you might need a bit of help) but the outcome feels straight up terrible.

Not really saying much here, guess I'm just saying my feelings outloud. Feels like as good a place as any right now.

[livednlearned]

It takes a lot of strength to hit the pause button, especially if there has been constant drama, which can feel weirdly addicting, or at the least, consuming. Like it's the only thing you have going on at the time when clearly there are other ways to spend your time. 

And it really takes a lot to recognize you may not be the person who saves her from herself.

I know it seems like a small thing but it's big. Take it in, if you can.

It seems like you "just accept it." It's more than that.

It's big.

[bolted]

It takes a lot of strength to hit the pause button, especially if there has been constant drama, which can feel weirdly addicting, or at the least, consuming. Like it's the only thing you have going on at the time when clearly there are other ways to spend your time. 

And it really takes a lot to recognize you may not be the person who saves her from herself.

I know it seems like a small thing but it's big. Take it in, if you can.

It seems like you "just accept it." It's more than that.

It's big.

damn

[bolted]

Feeling better about NC today, was frustrating last night for a bit but I was glad I was at least ready for it, that made it a lot easier.

I have a lot of thinking and work to do on myself I guess. Lots of things linked to me here even that I haven't spent enough time on yet. while spending time with friends has been good, but it would seem that I need a lot more than that from what is being hinted to me here.

By 'accept' I kinda meant to refer to accept the NC, not the whole situation, but what was said in reply was a nice bit of a shock to my way of thinking. I guess I probably have a trait that runs deeper than I think.

Back to work tomorrow, T session in afternoon. Try for a nice healthy dinner and good sleep for a start.