When all of this first started, I wanted to defend myself, but what could I say or do? I don't have any real knowledge of what is happening on her end. I just know that people have pulled away from me and gravitated toward her. I know that people who used to buy products from me, who still associate with her, have stopped. The only way that I can defend myself is by being the best version of myself that I can be.
That is awful for you. Sometimes it surprises me how one person can influence others to that extent. I always get the feeling that if I tried to do it, it would immediately be seen as an attempt to backstab him and the people around him and would backfire on me. Why does that not happen to them?
This field of interest that my groups center around is quite competitive and there's a lot of 'having to elbow your way through', I just never did that but I do know lots of people now and they appreciate my level. I really thought that it would be enough to be the best version of myself, to rise above all of this, that that in itself would speak some truth about me to others, but I have come to understand that all that makes little difference to how people treat you or to how they see you. It helps if you have a group around you, but the more people turn their backs on you, the less support you will have from those that are still around. Humans are social creatures and to be included in the group and not become ostracized is paramount to, well, survival, even to us nowadays, though it is a different kind of survival. So people do not want to be connected and associated with somebody they feel is not accepted into the group, and oftentimes I think they would not even bother to find out why that person is no longer acceptable to the group as a whole.
People will believe what they want.
Yes, and they will fill in the blanks with whatever information they do have. I think I made a huge mistake not setting the record straight before this had got so out of hand. It's like a lot of these people believe they have the truth about me, so whatever I do just confirms their perception of me.
Have you come up with any ideas about how to deal with your situation?
I have just started seeing a T (specialist in attachment theory) specifically to deal just with this situation. He asked me what I
wanted to do, rather than the result that I wanted to see from it. I found this interesting. I see that there is value in expressing myself, my feelings, and not forcing myself to exist in a situation that now feels intolerable. So I have a lot of suppressed anger because of all these years of "taking the high road". And I feel better just thinking there is something that I can do, that I can influence my situation somehow. I accept his BPD, and my PTSD, but I am not willing to accept that my life gets destroyed because of it.
One idea, that I have not discussed with the T yet is to tell people the truth - partly about having PTSD as it affects me so much around people in this environment, and partly about my ex having BPD. I have never told anybody but close friends about this. He has told a couple of people himself. But not admitting that when this infected situation comes up leaves a vacuum that has to be filled somehow to explain all the craziness and as he, and his friends, have already told people so many lies about me, and these lies are already out there floating around so to speak, they just sucked into this vacuum to fill that void and make some sense of it.
I don't really want to tell people something so personal about us, but I also don't want to let this happen to me anymore. I wouldn't do it out of vindictiveness, but out of self-protection and self-preservation.
