How do you make a limit/put a boundary on criticism and blame?

[Olinda]

I have been listening to the audiobook: Walking On Eggshells. I've learned that sometimes the criticism, blame and constant negativity can be a type of abuse.

I do feel abused, affected, upset by being on the receiving end of the constant negativity, blame and criticism.
I understand that this is how my upwBPD feels inside and that must feel awful to feel that way all the time. I am struggling with radical acceptance I think and I also think it's okay for me to limit my exposure to these negative statements (about me, how I spend my time, my children, etc.)

I know that I don't need to tell her I am setting a boundary. But I don't even know what sounds reasonable to do when faced with the criticism. I feel so unskilled at this. I know I am a raging codependent and just want her to give me permission to set this limit and I want her to be happy that I have set this limit.  Ridiculous, I know.

Any suggestions? I appreciate all the help I can get. I guess I also need validation that it's okay for me to decide that listening to negativity about me, criticism directed toward me, is something I don't want to do.

Thanks for your help!

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[allienoah]

Welcome-first let me share that the audiobook Stop Walking on Eggshells led me here too. I also am a raging codependent. I am verbally and emotionally abused, and I too understand where it comes from. I just don't know if I can continue to take it. I have been advised to set a boundary, then remove myself in any way possible when the dysregulation occurs. It is perfectly ok to not listen to the criticism, negativity and venom when it is directed at you. You will find, as I did, that if you continue to listen, it shakes the core of who YOU are. You will question your every decision and not know if you're coming or going. One thing I find happens that I wish I could figure out is when I set a boundary, my bfwBPD seems to accept it and encourage me, and then when the occasion actually comes up, he goes ballistic. So I have been lulled into a false sense of security only to have it destroyed at the eleventh hour. This has happened over and over.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm assuming a gentle effort to deflect the conversation to something else like work, school, her day, the weather, dinner, or the aliens that landed in Roswell already failed  ... .so here's the next step:

"I can't listen to this now."

Or better yet:

"I won't listen to this now."

You don't have to identify it as abuse. You don't have to identify it as criticism or blame. You don't have to identify it as unfair or unkind to you. (You could identify it... .but that is a bit dangerous, as she can then try to deny that she's doing whatever you are describing, doubling down on the invalidation and criticism, which is the exact opposite of what you want!)

You don't have to make it a "never again" thing--In fact you will find that some times you can listen to these things and be constructive and perhaps compassionate about them... .and other times you just don't have that in you.

Make it about yourself, and how you are feeling right now. And not up for negotiation.

... .And if she responds by escalating the blame/criticism, or criticizing you for not being there for her when you try to get her to stop, or whatever... .you just have to take your boundary enforcement up to the next level and remove yourself from the conversation / remove yourself from her presence.

[Tattered Heart]

My H is highly critical. I have started taking a more direct approach with him over the last couple of weeks and it seems to be going ok so long as I"m not trying to  control his behavior and make it more of a boundary for me.

I've been saying things like, "I am feeling attacked right now." or "That hurt my feelings." If he continues then I am at the point where I go outside to do something without him.

[Olinda]

Thank you for the suggestions. I like the idea of not saying why I am doing what I am doing. I need to work on being able to say: "I'm not going to listen to this right now." And the ability to walk away if the criticism/blame continues."

I appreciate the support and if you have more ideas or similar experiences, please keep sharing.