How to communicate with BPD partner

[Gaban]

Hi all, I'm Gaban.

I've been married for nearly 5 years, and I've been ignoring the symptoms my partner is having. Just recently I seek advice from a friend (doctor) and only that moment I realized that my partner is having BPD. The mood swing she's having often quite exhausting to cope with. And I am not really good with communicating emotionally.

I hope I could get lot's of advise since I don't want the situation becoming worse since we have 2 beautiful kids together.

Sincerely,
Gaban

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[stayingsteady]

Hi Gaban,

Welcome to BPD Family.  This is a great place to begin developing a strong understanding of BPD and the effects that may accompany it.  We're glad you're here.

There are lots of resources here.  Many of these can be found on the sidebar to the right.  "Listen with Empathy" is an excellent quick lesson if you were interested in learning more about communicating emotionally:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

I know you mentioned you had 2 beautiful children you must care deeply about.  What other reasons have you decided to look more into BPD?  

[Mutt]

Hi Gaban,  



I'd like to join the others and welcome you to the family. I'd like to echo stayingsteady, read as much as you can about BPD. How are the kids? How old are they? Boys or girls? Self care is important so that you don't burn the candle at both ends with your pwBPD. What do you do for self care?

[Gaban]

2 boys, about 3 yrs & 1 1/2 yrs.
I pray, sometimes talk to a friend who understands, and sometimes to my mom.
I have less activity outside with friends and others, mostly because concern over her feelings of being neglect.

A lot of time I kind of tip-toeing when talking to her, unless when she's smiling... .
Then I will crack lots of jokes. But when I try to talk about the conditions, she starts to cry and the drama continues... .

Any guides about that? Any Youtube I could refer to?

[Mutt]

Hi Gaban,

You have a young family, the 1 1/2 year old needs mom and same with the toddler too. It sounds like you're walking on eggshells, you're not responsible for someone else's feelings, it helps to connect with family and friends, a pwBPD reflect negative feedback about you, it's unrealistic, life is somewhere in the middle, it helps to get positive feedback from people that know you.

You're right, BPD is dramatic, it's listed as a dramatic cluster in the old DSM IV ( dramatic, emotional, erratic ) there's no getting around that, it is what it is. I'd say that I'm stepping out and i'll be back at a certain time, do you need anything, for reassurance, it should help if she gets anxious. I wouldn't get into a debate with her, just let her know and go out and spends some time with family and friends, it's a part of self care, you'll feel better, you'll be happier and the people around will be happier, it'll trickle down to your kids.

[stayingsteady]

I completely agree with Mutt.  Mutt's been with this community for quite a while and is rather knowledgeable in this arena.  He's a great person to receive information from.  He also has an amazing desire to help others.

You mentioned you had concerns related to her crying when you mention the conditions.  While I'm sure you don't mean to, you could be invalidating her when you try to talk to her about it.  Another tool on the side bar to the right is ":)on't be Invalidating".  It also has a video within it.  I've also included a link to it for you:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

- Staying Steady

[Gaban]

Hi Mutt, Staying steady,

Thanks a lot for the input. I realized now that I've been "invalidating her". I got the link of the video, seems like 50 minutes long. I need to find time and place to really concentrate to watch it.

Btw, do you think I need to dig deeper for the root cause of her condition? Some articles I read says that normally something happen earlier in their lives that trigger this. Please advise.

- Gaban

[stayingsteady]

I wouldn't worry about finding the root cause.  It could potentially act as another way of invalidating her, even though you wouldn't mean to.  Many times these root causes can also be extremely traumatic.  For some individuals, when they're brought back up it can cause Post Traumatic Stress episodes and new behavioral challenges.



- Staying Steady

[Mutt]

There could be a few reasons why, it could be environmental, genetics or like you said it could have been from an event that was traumatic. I agree with stayingsteady, step back and look at the bigger picture. That being said.

I'd recommend reading acredited medical information on BPD, it's a process, it doesn't happen overnight but you can learn to become indifferent to the behaviors, reading about it you become familiar with why a pwBPD behave the way that they do, it's not personal to us, it's something that the person is going through, as you mentioned it's possible that she experienced a traumatic event in the past.

Here's a good medical book that explains how the brain functions for a person suffering from the disorder, you'll find the information above in the book Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified - Robert O. Friedel, MD It's a good place to start.

[Gaban]

Hi Mutt, stayingsteady,

Thank you, I just download the sample from Google play book, quite interesting. Going to read it. Thank you very much for link.

- Gaban