How do you recover from such a devastating thing?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

How do we move to another discussion group?

[Breathe066]

How do we move to another discussion group?

[once removed]

hi Breathe066 and

are you asking to have your post moved to another board, or are you looking for a different forum?

[schwing]

Hi Breathe066,

I had just finished reading your original post and was about to reply and then I think you accidentally edited your post which unfortunately also deleted your original post.  That must have been excruciating because of how much you put in that post.  I will try to reply what I can recall of that post.  Unfortunately I won't be able to quote any of it.

There are a few aspects of borderline personality disorder (BPD) that I think really apply to your experience with your BPD loved one.

   People with BPD (pwBPD) have a disordered fear of real and imagined abandonment.  That is, even when you have no intention of doing so, pwBPD will *feel* as if you intend to leave them.  And this is why BPD loved ones always find one reason or another to feel threatened by your friends, your family members, your children.

This is why in your experience, even though you have spent a great deal of effort changing your behaviors, limiting your other relationships, your BPD loved one continued to feel threatened and accused you of wanting to leave.  This was because of his disorder.  And this is why he continues to believe/to feel that you intend to leave him.  The way he has expressed these fears is by accusing you of having inappropriate relationships with co-workers and with your son.  Eventually, he may decide that the best or only way to avoid this imagined abandonment is to abandon you first.  If he abandons you, then he cannot be abandoned.

What can aggravate this disordered fear, in my observation, are feelings of intimacy and familiarity (becoming like family).  So in a sense, the more time you spend with your BPD loved one, the worse their disordered feelings become.  This is why in the beginning of your relationship, he had not exhibited these behaviors to the degree that he does currently.

   PwBPD often rely on other impulsive behaviors as a way to soothe themselves from these disordered feelings.  Some pwBPD will turn to drugs (such as alcohol as in your case) or sexual promiscuity (as he attempted to do so early in your relationship by suggesting having multiple partners) as a way to soothe themselves from these troubling disordered emotions.

Eventually, however, the disordered emotions escalate to the point that their other dysfunction coping habits are insufficient to distract.  And then other "maladaptive" behaviors might be used -- one such being "projection."  At some level he must realize that something is wrong with him.  But if he can continue to get your to "admit" that you are at fault somehow (which it sounds like you've been doing for a long time) then he can "project" his problem onto you.  So in his mind, when you accept responsibility for what is ultimately his problem, he can deluded himself into believing that you are the one with the problem and not him.

This is perhaps why he is so busy trying to find a counselor who is dim enough to buy into his distortions and subscribe to his distorted perspectives.  Eventually he may sufficiently demoralize you to the point that from outward appearances, you seem to be more dysfunctional than he.  And maybe he will be able to find a counselor whom he can effectively charm into believe his distortions.

Again, I'm sorry you lost your original post.  I've tried to address as much as I could remember.  If there something specific that I haven't address please post about it again.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes,

Schwing