At my wits end

[Asatsuyu]

  Hello everybody ,


I have been married for 22 years to a man who i assume has BPD.Since the early days of the marriage he has displayed anger issues in form of overreacting about small things such as dusty windows , wall color spilling on the floor and similar "accidents".Also he has managed to isolate me , and of course himself from everyone we ever called friends or family members.He could never isolate me completely from my family though.We were always invited as a couple to family gatherings and 99% of the times I had to go alone.When i came back home he always gave me the silent treatment.To him I always was either the best person or the worst person in the world.I lost trust in him , but what's more devastating I lost trust in myself.According to him everything i ever did was wrong , except what he told me to do and what i did that was in accordance with his expectations.I fought for a long time now, sometimes i have seen a little bit of success in opening him up and him admitting he is afraid I'm gonna leave him.Now to my side of the story, I am not an idle woman, wife and mother.In 2004 i had a mental breakdown which to my opinion was largely influenced by being isolated and enjoying only the company of  my both children.I shouldn't have done that, but walking on eggshells and afraid he would get mad and my small daughters would get traumatized i chose the wrong path.Anyways I have been mostly depressed for many years now, and in every fight that we have my husband insults me in most horrible ways imaginable using also sentences like "you are crazy, everybody knows that".This has happened repeatedly throughout the years and its just draining whats left of my energy.I do not want to victimize myself anymore.My husband is a workaholic, he does a great job in providing our family with everything , he also is very helpful around the house , i know he tries his best, but i am sure he has issues because he was like this right from the start when i was not depressed... .actually he tried to be more controlling then, now it seems since i have left myself go , and almost turning 41, he does not feel that threatened any longer.
The main problem I am facing is with our 15 year old daughter.I am seeing before my eyes how he is crushing her.Our 20 year old is very ambitious  and has always worked hard, but I see him projecting me in our younger daughter.He calls her lazy piece of ___, he tells her she has a weak character and criticizes her every time he has the chance.In order to avoid him , our daughter stays all the time in her room when her dad is home.To put it in one sentence I do not think he has the capacity to love unconditionally, or maybe to love at all?
He has suffered abuse as a child, and i can understand , but convincing him to seek help in counseling, or therapy of some kind, any kind , i also offered couple therapy or family therapy , was impossible.He says "I am not the crazy one, you are". Lately he keeps accusing me for listening to my sister who has divorced over a year ago, he says "she is manipulating you , she wants you also divorced" , and this really blew my mind, my sister lives over the ocean, we often have short chats and its never about my marriage! But my sister makes me laugh and I love her and i think he feels threatened by her.
I guess i wrote all of this in effort to understand if I am maybe not seeing things clearly.Maybe I am more of the problem, but i know that i am ready to face the truth.I admit It's not easy to live with a depressed person, I considered leaving many times and not for my sake only.Maybe everyone would be better off without me.
Thank you in advance for each and every answer   
P.S
I apologize for language  mistakes, English is not my mother tongue.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Asatsuyu:   
Your English is very good 

Sounds like your husband has some strong BPD traits.  I hear how hard that has been for you to live with.

He has suffered abuse as a child, and i can understand , but convincing him to seek help in counseling, or therapy of some kind, any kind , i also offered couple therapy or family therapy , was impossible. He says "I am not the crazy one, you are".

People with BPD (pwBPD) tend to project what they feel onto others.  It's common for them to tell their partner that the partner is the crazy one.

I guess i wrote all of this in effort to understand if I am maybe not seeing things clearly. Maybe I am more of the problem, but i know that i am ready to face the truth. I admit It's not easy to live with a depressed person, I considered leaving many times and not for my sake only. Maybe everyone would be better off without me.   

Have you gotten help for your depression?  How about some therapy?  It would be helpful to have a professional to talk to.  Isolation and abuse can make anyone depressed. 

The main problem I am facing is with our 15 year old daughter.I am seeing before my eyes how he is crushing her. Our 20 year old is very ambitious  and has always worked hard, but I see him projecting me in our younger daughter. He calls her lazy piece of #$%.  He tells her she has a weak character and criticizes her every time he has the chance. In order to avoid him , our daughter stays all the time in her room when her dad is home. To put it in one sentence I do not think he has the capacity to love unconditionally, or maybe to love at all? 

When your say, "I see him projecting me in our younger daughter", are you saying that your husband thinks your are lazy and have a weak character?

Sounds like your husband has labeled your older child as the Golden Child (all good) and your younger daughter has been painted black (all bad). You are right to be concerned about your younger daughter. I'm wondering if she may be suffering from depression?   Your younger daughter needs some therapy, to help her work through things, and your husband needs to quit treating her the way he does. The way your husband treats your 15 year old is abusive (as is the way he treats you)

You can take steps to make things better for you and your daughter. Therapy would be a good start for both of you. Learning to use strategic communication skills, along with boundaries can, also, be helpful. There are links in the right hand margin to some skills lessons and workshops, and there is a "Lessons" thread tacked to the top of this message board section.

Things can get better for you and your daughter.  Take it one step at a time.   

[Asatsuyu]

Thank You so much for your answer and your understanding  Naughty Nibbler   
I am trying to do my best in helping myself and my daughter too.The hardest part is accepting that i may never be able to have an open and reasonable talk with my husband , i maybe will always have to use "strategies" in communicating with him ,which makes me feel devastated.But I better talk to a professional therapist about the whole thing , since probably my own perspective is somewhat gloomy and blurred.

Thanks again 

[so_overit]

I see so much in your post my situation. I am new and cannot help you in anyway, except to let you know I understand exactly how you feel. My twins are 6, and I see what this is doing to them. I can see how your perspective is gloomy and blurred too, I was a strong, compassionate, driven female when I met my husband. Now I feel like I can't handle anything. He has convinced me of these things. I hope you can find some help. I need some too, just have to figure out how I can $$ it.

[Naughty Nibbler]

The hardest part is accepting that i may never be able to have an open and reasonable talk with my husband , I maybe will always have to use "strategies" in communicating with him ,which makes me feel devastated. But I better talk to a professional therapist about the whole thing , since probably my own perspective is somewhat gloomy and blurred.  

Look at therapy as an opportunity to help both you and your daughter.  The communication strategies can develop your emotional I.Q.  A healthy emotional I.Q. can be beneficial to everyone in all walks of life.  By helping yourself, you can be of more benefit to your daughter.  Helping your daughter right now, could be life changing for her and lead her to a more normal life.

Take some time to go through the lessons at the link below.  You should be able to find a lot of helpful strategy.

Relationship Recovery and First Aid