Let the healng begin... ?

[Swhitey]

I Finally had it. Had it with the push/pull even though I moved out a month ago. Last week I started getting text messages from her saying she is imagining a "take 2" of rebuilding our family after she figures her stuff/life out. (she's 40 btw) The hooks got in me, and I said I might be interested in discussing that idea in the future. I took this opportunity to express to value my self and let her know of a boundary. I told her that I would not be interested in discussing the idea if she is out having sexual relations with people in this time. If she wanted to explore her sexuality then I would not be amenable to the idea. I want a monogamous relationship and if she wants to "play" in this time and then come back, well I'm not comfortable with that. Sex is special to me and it would devalue the experience with her in the future. I told her that this was how I FELT, that it was important to me, and I was giving this to her as information so she does not bring up the idea again if she is wanting to or having sex with others. It was not to control her but to protect myself from opening wounds later that could have been healed.

She didn't like that, and got upset that I would "impose chastity" on her. Then came the countless texts and emails justifying her reasons for wanting to have sex with other and that it is unfair that she must endure unhealthy sexual frustration while she gets her life in order and shame on me for making her choose between her love for me and getting back together and her sexual needs right now. That she separates love and sex because of her childhood sexual abuse. I started to notice that she was giving this power over her to me, and then feeling victimized by how I felt when it conflicted with wants. I also noticed that this was not the first time she had given her power over to me, then blamed me for hurting her. It seemed easier for her to hand this power over, absolve herself of her responsibility, and then lash out at that person for not meeting her needs. I actually noticed this a long time ago, and would jump through hoops, compromise my values to meet her needs. She would present herself as the victim and I would try to save her, placing the value of myself based on what she thought of me. Hence the cyclical arguments.

We were both giving our power away to the other. That is what made this relationship so co-dependent. I don't want a relationship like that, ever again. I wanted that to change.

In the end, the more I noticed what was going on, how it was and has been unhealthy for me, that I no longer wanted this power over her and wanted mine back (as uncomfortable as it is for me to own my values and needs) I no longer want to be made responsible for her feelings nor make her responsible for mine. I had to be cold unfortunately to end it. No goodbye hugs, or I'll miss you. Simply put, I stated that I was no longer available to her anymore. No explanations, no justifications to her for my decision. I know why and this is a gift I give to me (practicing caring about my values and asserting a boundary) it is also turns out it is a gift to her. I do love her and the old adage rings true: If you love something, set it free. (I choose to love me and free myself)

This feels more like an online diary at this point. This was very hard for me to sever that tie and let go of the hope that we could've been a family. I spent most of my alone time this weekend crying, feeling scared and alone. I have put all my energies into caring for others my whole life. In this moment, I just want someone to take care of me. It makes me feel helpless. I am having trouble caring for myself... .

[Lucky Jim]

I have put all my energies into caring for others my whole life. In this moment, I just want someone to take care of me. It makes me feel helpless. I am having trouble caring for myself... .

Hey Swhitey, You have articulated why a BPD r/s can be so unhealthy.  Care-taking others is a way to avoid caring for oneself.  Right, if you have been in a BPD r/s, you probably do have trouble caring for yourself.  The way to change that dynamic is by returning the focus to you and your needs.  You are the best care-taker for yourself, my friend.  Time to put yourself first?  Suggest you avoid the trap of waiting for someone to take care of you, which is an invitation for codependency.

LuckyJim

[Swhitey]

Thanks Lucky Jim, Your reminder echo's what I have been trying to tell myself this lat little while.

I am just beginning to disentangle the enmeshment. I have a vague idea of what it looks like to value and care for my own needs. My skills in this department are and akin to a child learning to walk for the first time. I am a quick learner once I can confidently take that first step, and learn not to fall on my butt, and I'll be running with that, as soon as I can, but not before. I have just started a 37 week group therapy program and think it will help me in getting to where I want to be. I am great at caring for others, understanding their needs. Your are correct and I need to practice (through action) turning that attention to me.

Thank you again! I appreciate your response and the space to express myself here