Hard issue in romantic relationship

[beaux arts]

Hello,
I am from France and I am sorry if my english is inaccurate sometimes.
I live with a woman for 2 years and I went to a psychiatrist last december who told me she was BPD. This led me to explanation over many disorders in our relationship over the past 2 years that puzzled me.

After a very nice beginning when I plwas the best man ever, most clever and so on, she began to switch to telling me I was a very violent man, the most she ever met and with provocations to me all the time.

It turned to harassment over my being unclever and so on... .I understand now all of these are part of BPD.

At first I noticed it went with menstrual period and I really think it has to do. Is any of you experimenting such a cycle ?

But the psychiatrist told me it was more BPD anyway.

I was about to split. And another psychologist I met told me to. But I think I still love her anyway.

I realized how I am responsible too with not setting up clear limits. And she has no limits ! She always goes further taking advantage of my great kindness or even willing to "save" her. She took a lot of money from me... .I gave her a lot too... .

And she always want to decide for all in our life.

This its my first post. I stop. I would like to talk about it and will say more.

Many thanks.

[Lucky Jim]

Bonjour, Welcome!  Are you still together or have you parted ways?  I'm unsure from your post.    :)o you have any particular questions?  The "provocations" you describe are quite typical for a BPD r/s.  It's true that boundaries or "limits" are essential in the BPD context.  Have you had any success with boundaries?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi beaux arts,  



I'd like to join Lucky Jim and welcome you to the site group. What a pwBPD want most is intimacy, and they're not able to sustain healthy adult intimacy, intimacy triggers the disorder. A pwBPD will push you away and the distance will trigger what they fear the most, fear of abandonment, then they'll pull you closer, this push / pull behavior feels like crazy making behavior to us. I'm glad that you decided to join us, i'm looking forward to reading more of your posts.

[beaux arts]

Bonjour, Welcome!  Are you still together or have you parted ways?  I'm unsure from your post.    :)o you have any particular questions?  The "provocations" you describe are quite typical for a BPD r/s.  It's true that boundaries or "limits" are essential in the BPD context.  Have you had any success with boundaries?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

Thanks LuckyJim ! We are still together. My first question today is : do I have to stay or not ? Well, better say : do I want to... .and will I manage to cope with it... .And I really don't know.

From one hand I still love her and we still do have some nice days together. From another hand I think I have to pay a lot for those few days... .The balance being more suffering than pleasure.

One therapist tells me to leave. The other one no. Same for my friends depending if they know her or not. Those who know her say to me she is a really nice person (which is true) and they can hardly consider what I am telling them. The others just say : leave !

Yes, I had success with boundaries. Several ones : about money and about lies and a law issue (she went to the police and said I had beaten her). But it took me a huge amount of energy. Well I have to improve self respect which is obviously my issue.

Many thanks to all of you here for helping.

[beaux arts]

Hi beaux arts,  



I'd like to join Lucky Jim and welcome you to the site group. What a pwBPD want most is intimacy, and they're not able to sustain healthy adult intimacy, intimacy triggers the disorder. A pwBPD will push you away and the distance will trigger what they fear the most, fear of abandonment, then they'll pull you closer, this push / pull behavior feels like crazy making behavior to us. I'm glad that you decided to join us, i'm looking forward to reading more of your posts.

Hi Mutt,
I have experienced what you are saying : she wants me to go away for a while or she goes (for work eventually) and then she tells me I am always away and that's not fair or she asks me to come and join her... .

[BlackHoleSun]

Hey!

First of all, I have no idea how or why a professional psychiatrist would be telling you your GF has BPD? Its completely unprofessional for him to be doing so.

From what you have described there's nothing pointing towards that diagnosis in particular. Its entirely possible that you could be dealing with a Narcissist or someone with ASPD (sociopath).

In any case, it sounds like the relationship is toxic. You have 2 choices... .

1. Stay with her because you buy into the dream, the illusion and because you love her. Suffer verbal, emotional, physical abuse etc. End up with her discarding you and you suffering lasting damage (possibly physically, emotionally and mentally) that then affects the rest of your life and all your following relationships.

2. Leave her. Look after yourself. Build yourself a better, brighter, happier future, with someone that is capable of having a healthy relationship and that loves and respects you for you.

I'd choose number 2 for you! The desicion is down to you though. I understand it's not easy having been there myself. I didn't listen to people's advice and ended up having to learn the hard way. I still wouldn't change the choices I made but I've had to live with the consequences everyday since.

I wish you the best of luck my friend. Take care of yourself!