Relationship with sister -- do I keep trying, or let go?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I worry about my sister all the time, and I am terrified of her.

She's 45 years old, and married, for some context.  I'm a few years younger, and live with my partner, in another city.  Our parents are alive; they are now 80.  We have almost no other family.

In the past decade, she's dropped a career that seemed well-suited to her skills; she has no little chance of employment because she is so terrified of rejection, and also, doesn't particularly like to work.  She's gained a lot of weight -- maybe 60 pounds -- and seems obsessed with this fact, to the point where she cannot be in a photograph or allow people to take photographs around her.  She's dumped all her friends.  She is completely crippled by envy, to the point where I can't speak around her of anything good in my life.  Yet, if I speak of something challenging in my life, that will be too burdensome for her, and the great darkness will sweep over her face and she will disappear, she will make herself absent.

She flies into rages, where she stomps off;  a few years ago my elderly father insisted on taking us to see the Nutcracker, which he intently wanted to see again.   Sister apparently did not want to see the ballet -- perhaps the dancers were too thin?  Her wrath was a black hole, absolutely terrifying, and felt like a violent assault.  She never apologized, she did not understand or care that this has changed the experience of the Christmas holiday for me.   

Each day when the phone rings I'm expecting to hear of her suicide, each day for ten years.

I've spent hours looking for treatments for her, and recommended findings, and she has done some DBT therapy, which helped, but she says now she's therapy'd out.

The worst part is the silence.  Since she left the family home 27 years ago, I desperately wanted a relationship with her, and she just did not reciprocate, except in brief flashes of extreme generosity and warmth and support and fun. 
But lately, those have deflated too; during my rare family visits, there may be a flicker or normalcy, a half hour here or there. 

But we live in different cities, and normally, the rule is vast silences --   texts unanswered for months, calls unanswered.   She doesn't do email at all.   I used to contort myself to say the right things --   the simplest, lightest greetings --  a cute cat picture -- random compliments, encouragements.

Perhaps something has shifted in me in the past few weeks.   I myself alternate between intense, consuming anger at her -- at this moment, writing this, I'm feeling some very ugly feelings -- and practicing visualizations for cutting her out of my life, or a nicer way of saying it, is letting go.   I visualize that she is an animal of sort, usually for some reason some kind of oily disheveled bird --  and I am standing at the edge of a forest and I just throw her into the air and let her fly away and observe that she does not look back and does not return.

[celerity]

I worry about my sister all the time, and I am terrified of her.

She's 45 years old, and married, for some context.  I'm a few years younger, and live with my partner, in another city.  Our parents are alive; they are now 80.  We have almost no other family.

In the past decade, she's dropped a career that seemed well-suited to her skills; she has no little chance of employment because she is so terrified of rejection, and also, doesn't particularly like to work.  She's gained a lot of weight -- maybe 60 pounds -- and seems obsessed with this fact, to the point where she cannot be in a photograph or allow people to take photographs around her.  She's dumped all her friends.  She is completely crippled by envy, to the point where I can't speak around her of anything good in my life.  Yet, if I speak of something challenging in my life, that will be too burdensome for her, and the great darkness will sweep over her face and she will disappear, she will make herself absent.

She flies into rages, where she stomps off;  a few years ago my elderly father insisted on taking us to see the Nutcracker, which he intently wanted to see again.   Sister apparently did not want to see the ballet -- perhaps the dancers were too thin?  Her wrath was a black hole, absolutely terrifying, and felt like a violent assault.  She never apologized, she did not understand or care that this has changed the experience of the Christmas holiday for me.   

Each day when the phone rings I'm expecting to hear of her suicide, each day for ten years.

I've spent hours looking for treatments for her, and recommended findings, and she has done some DBT therapy, which helped, but she says now she's therapy'd out.

The worst part is the silence.  Since she left the family home 27 years ago, I desperately wanted a relationship with her, and she just did not reciprocate, except in brief flashes of extreme generosity and warmth and support and fun. 
But lately, those have deflated too; during my rare family visits, there may be a flicker or normalcy, a half hour here or there. 

But we live in different cities, and normally, the rule is vast silences --   texts unanswered for months, calls unanswered.   She doesn't do email at all.   I used to contort myself to say the right things --   the simplest, lightest greetings --  a cute cat picture -- random compliments, encouragements.

Perhaps something has shifted in me in the past few weeks.   I myself alternate between intense, consuming anger at her -- at this moment, writing this, I'm feeling some very ugly feelings -- and practicing visualizations for cutting her out of my life, or a nicer way of saying it, is letting go.   I visualize that she is an animal of sort, usually for some reason some kind of oily disheveled bird --  and I am standing at the edge of a forest and I just throw her into the air and let her fly away and observe that she does not look back and does not return.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome celerity:  
I'm sorry about your sister.  I can hear that you are in a painful place right now.

I worry about my sister all the time, and I am terrified of her. Each day when the phone rings I'm expecting to hear of her suicide, each day for ten years.

Has she had suicide attempts in the past?  :)oes she talk about it?

What terrifies you?  Is it her rages?  Has she ever been physically abusive or has she shown evidence that she could be physically abusive?

She's 45 years old, and married, for some context.  In the past decade, she's dropped a career that seemed well-suited to her skills; she has no little chance of employment because she is so terrified of rejection, and also, doesn't particularly like to work.  She's gained a lot of weight -- maybe 60 pounds.  

How is her relationship with her husband?  It sounds like she could be very depressed.  :)o you know if she has tried any meds, in addition to therapy?  :)oes anyone on your side of the family have a history of any mental illness (depression, anxiety disorder, etc.)?

Perhaps something has shifted in me in the past few weeks.   I myself alternate between intense, consuming anger at her -- at this moment, writing this, I'm feeling some very ugly feelings -- and practicing visualizations for cutting her out of my life, or a nicer way of saying it, is letting go.  

Some people go back and forth between no contact (NC) and limited contact (LC).  You don't have to make any permanent decision right now.  You can just decide that you are taking a break from her and then see what the future holds.  

I can understand how frustrated you must be.  You have worked hard to try and help your sister and to try to maintain a relationship with her over a long period of time. You can't change your sister, only she can do that.

It can be very confusing and frustrating to have a family member with BPD.  Everyone's situation is a little different, as BPD generally doesn't stand alone.  There are typically other mental health issues along with it.  Sometimes, medications help, but there is no magic pill.  Finding the right med. can help set the stage for therapy and changing some behaviors.  It can take trial and error to get something that may help.  What works for one person might not work for another.  Then, many of the meds have side effects.  It's a complex and difficult road for many people.

People make peace with situations in their own way.  Managing FOG, enforcing boundaries and using radical acceptance can be helpful for you.  Check out the information in the links below:
FOG

BOUNDARIES

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

[cubicinch]

I can't really add much here other than words of support... I feel your pain. I recently had a girlfriend with suspected BPD. It was a short relationship as the act didn't last long and the true girl came out. In that time I got to meet a few of her family and even confided in them. She had a sister and from what I was told, the sister must feel very similar to you; the family is split over a large distance and there isn't a lot of contact. Sister doesn't trust half of what she says, and I reached out via social media when I discovered something was seriously wrong, but she never responded. They only interact with her when needs be. Its very sad, but there's little anyone can really do. I can appreciate you wanting to cut her out; as said it's such a horrid situation. The only thing you can do is have a read up of the links being posted and maybe there will be nuggets of wisdom that you think apply to you and you can implement them to help your situation. Hugs.   

[cubicinch]

I had similar feelings that the GF might commit suicide as she was always commenting bout it in the run down town that she lives in; After she went silent on me, I decided to talk to her father who lived near me as I had to tell someone I was so worried. He spilled out and confirmed all of her adult life behaviour which gave me closure and backed up the BPD suspicions. He even said she was psychotic. Although she feared and revered her father, she kept a distance because I think she knew that he knew she was a mess and would challenge her to get help which she probably didn't want to accept. It's about her feelings of being let down by father as a child, not giving her the love, and she is scared of him, I think he frightened her. So she keeps away. She also holds this partly against him. So none of us can do anything really, only hope that she will survive. I'm out of it now, 2 months no contact, and we are both back on dating site. It deeply concerns me that she is back there, and some other poor guy will go through the same. Or she will find no one.

What I'm trying to say is it's very very hard for us to help these people, family or lover. At least you have the family connection so don't give up on her... read up, arm yourself  with knowledge, and maybe there will be hope (that someone like me won't ever see happen to the girl I fell for).