How do you move on...?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'd like to ask you all about moving forward, and I'd invite you all from both sides to discuss. Both those who've been able to move on regardless of the pain it causes us and those who simply cannot let their BPD go because people just don't understand how hard it is no matter how bad they treat us we just have that unspoken connection.

So... .

My friend tells me to move on.

My other friend tells me to move on.

My other friend tells me to move on, because he's sick of listening about it for the past decade and a half.

And I tell me to move on.

But I can't.

I understand from a rational point of view that there's a whole planet full of eligible partners. People who'll treat me decently and give back to me in a relationship what I give to them. People who'll love me, honour me and respect me the same way I'll love, honour and respect them. People who'll give me a stable and forward-looking future.

I've been talking to a friend tonight who doesn't understand the whole BPD trap and is balanced enough to walk away from relationships when they're not right and not look back. She doesn't understand why I won't or can't let Crazylegs go. She says I'm living in the past. I should be looking towards the future.

I have to ask those of you who are moving forward just how you're doing it. Me and Crazylegs have been on/off for 20 years since we were about 21, and the last we saw each other was about 2 days ago.

How can you move on from someone who you look at and find so perfect. Well, not perfect, no one is, but just so right. She's changed certainly from the 21 year old I fell for, but the smile is still there, the eyes, the laugh, the silly sense of humour.

And regardless of the physical, how do you let someone go who you promised you'd always love, someone you promised you'd always be there for. Regardless of what life throws at you, regardless of of anything else, you'd always love them. Always.

How do you move past that? Let's say you meet someone else and it starts to work out. How do you decide to settle down and say this is the one? Because let's be honest, that isn't the one. That's the just best one that's come along since the real one left you. So what do you do?

Settle?

Would you settle? Would you want to?

How do you decide to live your life with a person who is on the outside and to everyone else right while you, inside, know in your soul they're not really the one you want? How can you live the rest of your life in that cage?

Why would you sign up for that in the first place?

Why would you want to move on, when the goal is to live in a cage with someone while your heart truly desires another?

How do you move on? Can you move on. Or do you just decide that you lost in life and your love chose (any)other, so what's the point?

Discuss.

[GuySmiley]

I'd like to ask you all about moving forward, and I'd invite you all from both sides to discuss. Both those who've been able to move on regardless of the pain it causes us and those who simply cannot let their BPD go because people just don't understand how hard it is no matter how bad they treat us we just have that unspoken connection.

So... .

My friend tells me to move on.

My other friend tells me to move on.

My other friend tells me to move on, because he's sick of listening about it for the past decade and a half.

And I tell me to move on.

But I can't.

I understand from a rational point of view that there's a whole planet full of eligible partners. People who'll treat me decently and give back to me in a relationship what I give to them. People who'll love me, honour me and respect me the same way I'll love, honour and respect them. People who'll give me a stable and forward-looking future.

I've been talking to a friend tonight who doesn't understand the whole BPD trap and is balanced enough to walk away from relationships when they're not right and not look back. She doesn't understand why I won't or can't let Crazylegs go. She says I'm living in the past. I should be looking towards the future.

I have to ask those of you who are moving forward just how you're doing it. Me and Crazylegs have been on/off for 20 years since we were about 21, and the last we saw each other was about 2 days ago.

How can you move on from someone who you look at and find so perfect. Well, not perfect, no one is, but just so right. She's changed certainly from the 21 year old I fell for, but the smile is still there, the eyes, the laugh, the silly sense of humour.

And regardless of the physical, how do you let someone go who you promised you'd always love, someone you promised you'd always be there for. Regardless of what life throws at you, regardless of of anything else, you'd always love them. Always.

How do you move past that? Let's say you meet someone else and it starts to work out. How do you decide to settle down and say this is the one? Because let's be honest, that isn't the one. That's the just best one that's come along since the real one left you. So what do you do?

Settle?

Would you settle? Would you want to?

How do you decide to live your life with a person who is on the outside and to everyone else right while you, inside, know in your soul they're not really the one you want? How can you live the rest of your life in that cage?

Why would you sign up for that in the first place?

Why would you want to move on, when the goal is to live in a cage with someone while your heart truly desires another?

How do you move on? Can you move on. Or do you just decide that you lost in life and your love chose (any)other, so what's the point?

Discuss.

[roberto516]

I'm struggling to move on too. It's the addiction/me wanting to rescue/me believing in true love. I was resistant to any relationship after my first BPD because I didn't think anyone would be right. Then I found someone else. But she ended it afyer a month. She was perfect. Then I met this one. And she was perfect. So I know my feelings will change. She feels like "the one" right now. BUT she won't be one day.

I also struggle because now I see where she is sabotaging. And I so badly want her to wake up and fight through the defenses she has up. And a part of me doesn't want her to be with someone else. "I was supposed to be the one!"

So I struggle. But I should be my own living proof that you can love again. Although right now I wish for us to be together I really dont.

Look in your heart. I know there were so many nights in this relationship that I sat on the couch and thought "how am I going to end this? I need to get out" etc. Im probably struggling because I can't have what I want and she took control and ended it.

Maybe I'm rambling. But I kept busy after the first relationship. And I still remember waking up one morning and going "huh. I feel better. I don't miss her." It's possible. We all just have to detox from it. The people who have moved on are living proof. Hang in there. It's what I have to tell myself everyday. I don't like caring for someone so much to be tossed away. I don't like feeling she was the one only to have it gone. But she wasn't the one. Deep down. And if you dig deep you might realize that too for yourself.

[Hopefulgirl]

I've been through this that same thing you're going through. I don't know if it's any different with a male ex BPD person but I've had the same things said to me as you have. All the friends and family telling me to move on, "why can't you move on? just forget about them. Don't you know you deserve somebody better and that somebody better is out there waiting for you?" And I agree with them, but if you haven't been in a relationship with somebody with BPD then you really don't know. People will think that you must not love yourself if you continue to love somebody with BPD. No one will be able to understand how this person made you feel so deeply attracted to them, how they made you feel for them. Don't expect them to ever understand because the more you try to explain yourself they only think that you don't love yourself enough to discard this person and never think or speak of them. Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about caring for this woman. It takes time, it's a journey. The fact that's been your journey for 20 years doesn't surprise me considering all I know about BPD. I told a friend the other day that I had no hope left of thinking I could ever meet somebody who made me feel the kind of love and connection the way my ex did (in the beginning). I mean it. I'm not sure if any of this helps you ,LOL, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

[RomanticFool]

GuySmiley,

I did marry somebody who was not my exBPDgf. But the BPD is married and I didn't want my life to be over. Then, six months into my marriage I allowed the exBPD married lover back into my life and my marriage is now at serious risk. However, my wife is now the person I am turning to for love and rather than feeling like I am in a cage, it feels like a lifeline.

The way a pwBPD behaves keys into our childhood wounds. They start by love bombing us which is often called grooming. Most of us have never been adored to the degree that our BPD lovers do when they catch us on their hooks. They know what a caregiver needs to feel in order to have us in their power. Whatever they tap into in our psyche is already there. We all know we must be damaged to stay in these relationships when a person isn't available or abuses us.

The way you move on is through pain and courage. The courage to close the door on somebody who feels like your soulmate but actually isn't because she is not available and really doesn't care about our emotional wellbeing. All my exBPD married lover needs me for is to adore her. It's called narcissistic supply. She has no empathy for my feelings and so the love that I think I'm feeling isn't love. It is an old familiar wound causing me pain that I think only the exBPD can stop. In fact she is the last person that can stop it. In my case my wife can make me feel better because I know she actually does love me.

We need to break contact, meet other people and eventually we will fall for someone else who we will also feel we can't do without. In my case my wife may not be the answer but that's ok because I know I have the courage to change that too if she isn't. On the other hand she very well may be. I have become closer to her through this agony and I am grateful for her love right now. I am going to get back to where we were before I let my exBPD back into my life.

In AA we say this prayer. I am not religious but some kind of prayer or mantra said whenever we are desperate really helps:  God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference

[happendtome]

You are writing that you saw your ex just 2 days ago and then you ask how to move on? STOP seeing her! If you dont see her, if you dont talk to her, only then you can start moving on. This is so simple. I havent had any contact with my ex over 100 days and i care each day less and less. But dont get me wrong, i was like you if i was talking with her. My friend said move on and i thought he just dont get it. It was quite hard for me to stop all contact with my ex, but once i did i started to heal. So simple actually. Yes, i still think about her every day, but its not any more that stupid obsession what i had and made me look so desperate.
Cut it off, first months (maybe even year) are the hardest where you have to fight against your want to contact her, but if you stick with your principles it will start to pay off eventually. Your other choice is to go around decades and cry about some unanswered love.

[RomanticFool]

What finally did it for me is when I wrote her a heartfelt love message one Sunday morning. I could see she had read it but didn't respond. Probably because she had just had sex with her husband, possibly an orgasm or two, and was now showering all his bodily fluids from her and her own sexual ecstasy away. Then I thought, 'How romantic towards her do you feel now?' When you can think rationally like that you know there is only one course of action. Walk away from the time wasting user and find a woman who wants you.

[stimpy]

The only way to move on, is to move on... .As in break contact, find a new life, find a new way of living, maybe a new way of loving. And also to find out about yourself, find out why she is so "perfect" or as you put it "right", what is the dynamic in the relationship that keeps you hooked and yet by all accounts you want to move on from. This is not easy, really, really not easy I know, I struggle with this as well, many people do. But I also know that my ex is toxic for me. I don't wish her ill,  in fact I wish her well, but she is not the one for me.

If you've known your ex for 20 or so years, then she has become a constant in your life, an anchor of sorts (maybe a shifting anchor in truth?), but still, someone you've had in your life for a very long time. No wonder it is hard to move on, especially if you are maintaining contact and seeing her. Moving on is a step into the unknown, a step into unchartered and maybe choppy waters where what you've known for so long is no longer there. It is hard, but maybe look at it as a risk / reward thing, if you don't take any risks then there won't be any reward.

So maybe take a look at where you want your life to be in 5, 10, 15 years time, and then think about how you're going to get there. Do you want your life to be the same in the future as it is now?

So the question is one for you... .do you want to move on and if you do, then what do you plan on doing to make it happen? Can you think of a first small step on that journey?

[Stripey77]

Hopeful girl! 

You have pretty much summed up, word for word, everything I wanted to say.

All, I am in the same boat. We've been split up for a year and a half after only a relatively short but VERY intense relationship... .you know the score. Of course, it's not a year and a half since he's been in my life, or held my hand, or slept at my house, etc. etc. I've lost count of the times I've been picked up and put down including one actual recycle. And at the moment we're not speaking... .but we (this is my long suffering friends and family, as well as me) know he'll be back... .at some point. Maybe it's that knowledge that it's never really truly 'over' that is part of the reason that keeps us hanging on... .

I'm afraid that it is like a kind of addiction-I'm pretty sure that you all know what I mean. And all of the things you're being told by your collective friends, I'm hearing too. All of it. And even though more and more unpleasant stuff is coming out of the woodwork about him, the dark things he's done to people, sleeping with other women, the drug taking (as I found out last night - not surprised one iota) it just doesn't change what's in my heart.  It should, but it doesn't and you are quite right to say that those who haven't been in one of these relationships just cannot understand. How could they? If any of us were hearing this from one of our friends before we met our BPDs, we would have been the ones saying 'just get over it'.  I've seen people who know both of us, look at me in disbelief, shaking their head... ."You still love him? but why?" I've been told he doesn't deserve me, that I am so beautiful, more beautiful than him (I've been told this by several people, I disagree but then it's all a matter of perspective) I could have anyone I want, there are lovely men out there waiting for a woman like me, that I need a real man... that I'm wasting my life, that he's poison, that there's no future... .I could go on and on.


But there really is a unique connection (I don't care what people say... .there is) and saddest of all for me, my own ex has acknowledged this himself to me. I asked him last year during a very dramatic heart to heart if there was anyone else on this island... .and I was going to say 'that you have this intellectual connection with'... .But he beat me to it and said "I know... .the brain connection".

That for me is the single most sad and frustrating thing he has ever said to me. We both know we are very physically attracted to one another. But for him to actually be able to finish my sentence about the other connection was both ironic and heartbreaking at the same time. I wasn't imagining it then. Yet he has chosen to destroy everything we had again and again and chosen darkness over love and light.  How does one get over that, as well? It is so nonsensical. I can't get over the waste. I am sure he has compartmentalised me and that he's forced the feelings he once had for me away... .that's how he's able to treat me as he does. But the connection, on all levels, was like nothing I've experienced with anyone in my life. Sexual, physical, intellectual.

I wish I had the answers, I really do. At the moment, my resolve is strengthening. The fact that he has slept with other people, and the abhorrent things he's done to his own close friends, mean that on paper at least and logically speaking, there is no going back. Being with him is toxic for my mental health, and I know there is no future.  I badly, so badly, want to be in love with someone else, and be loved. I get enough offers... .but there's the rub... .never ever, from anyone I want. Because they're not him.

Like all of you, I know that this isn't right. Our BPD relationships  are not the fairytale romances we dreamt f, are they? But it doesn't change how I feel. Despite all of the terrible things I now know about him, I still love him. I also pity him. I think I understand him, I think I know what this darkness in his brain is that he's tried to tell me about but can't articulate. I know that the person he hates above all is himself. Nothing I find out about him surprises me anymore. It should make me say that I never want to speak to him again, but it doesn't.

I actually CANNOT go back with him, at least on a physical level, knowing what I do now. That has stopped me in my tracks, because, trying to inject a little pragmatism into all of this, health must come first. It must. I don't want to put myself at risk. So there can't be a physical relationship again, however much I want one with him. And, romantically speaking,I want to find someone. I deserve someone. I want to be loved and touched and held and have that companionship back in my life. I just so badly wanted it with him, with the him that I fell in love with.  My brain knows that that person has in effect, died, although I see flashes of him sometimes. He has even tried to tell me himself that he wants me to find my happiness and doesn't want my heart to break anymore. That I am so important to him and he doesn't want to lose me but that he can't give me my 'expectations'.  He's telling me he's not good enough for me. But he was so so right for me, those first few months, he took my breath away.  And I miss those days so much. Now I feel as if I dreamt them and have to look at photographs to reassure myself that it did all actually happen.


But we only have ONE LIFE. This is it folks. Every day spent loving our exes and wishing things were different is a day we spend without a truly sustainable love in our lives. We are shortchanging ourselves. This is what we have to remind ourselves. The whole point, Guysmiley, is that if we get so lucky as to find someone else to love, that we would have healed enough to want to let someone else into our lives. So we won't be forcing ourselves into something we don't even want. But like several of you have said... .I just don't feel ready. I don't see anyone else I want to be with. I am trying so so hard to detach and feel something for someone else but there's literally nothing there.

I feel horribly trapped... I so so want to be in love again. I am horribly lonely despite a very full and busy life full of amazing friends. The night times are the worst. I am missing out on sex, love, affection, companionship... .we are all missing out on the things we deserve. But the person my heart wants above all is still walking around the town I live in, in plain sight. Strangest of all, since me, he has chosen to remain single. That probably doesn't help either. Sure, he's been with others since me, but not a girlfriend... .I was the last one as far as I can see. Every day, I wonder why that is... .why?

I just hope that my constant striving to detach, the practical steps I'm taking to focus on me, really trying to put me first, will eventually start to pay off. And that I will be receptive to the right man when he comes along.  I am getting better at it. I think we just have to give ourselves a serious talking to, and keep on saying it again and again. I don't deserve this. I deserve more. 

Because living like this, sucks.

[Stripey77]

I should add

Although what's in my heart hasn't changed, I KNOW I am turning the corner, because my resolve to find the happiness I deserve is finally taking over. I am bitterly sad that it can't be with him, and I will probably always love him. He gave me the happiest moments of my life to date. But in a way, I have acknowledged that I have to love him from afar, if that makes sense. He knows where I am if he needs me, and I will never turn my back on him.  I am not going anywhere near him. And because I am actually angry for the first time, instead of just profoundly hurt, about some of the things I've found out, it is helping me to see him for what he really is. A total mess. I don't hate him, I don't do hate. But I don't want, need or deserve a total mess for a lover. He's not even capable of being the boyfriend he tried to be for a while. I don't think he can do it for anyone.

I am choosing life. I am choosing to put myself out there. As someone else said above, the way to move on, is to move on. It's the only way. I think I am part way there because I am making myself put this in a box - yes I think about him every day  and yes my heart is in my mouth when I see him. But I am forcing myself to acknowledge all of the horrible things he his (and there are many bad points) as well as the beautiful boy I fell in love with. I am being kind to myself by allowing myself to love him BUT FROM AFAR and admit that to myself. There is no shame in loving someone.  I'm not ever going to beat myself up by feeling ashamed for loving him. It is what it is, it's a fact, and I don't have to defend it to anybody. None of us do.

But I am choosing life. Ok so I love him. That doesn't mean necessarily that we can be together. History is littered with people who can't be together, for whatever reason, even if they're deeply in love. We have to carve out a new path for ourselves.  I am forcing myself to try to detach, whilst acknowledging that he gave me the deepest love I've ever felt in my life. I am quite quite sure, that for a moment there, he was in love with me too. The feelings were real. I think we punish ourselves thinking that we imagined everything, that we were tricked, that it was a big game. It wasn't any of those things, all that has happened, tragically, is that their feelings changed whilst ours did not.

The next part is to be receptive and available when someone else comes along, and to recognise what a real, true and healthy love looks like. We might never have these exact feelings again, because no 2 relationships are the same. But we might find a different, yet equally valid, kind of love. We won't know until we try but that resolve has GOT to come from within to want it.

I am confident we will all get there one day, but you have to choose your own happiness first. Our exes, very sadly, are not going to be our happiness. They are not going to be anyone else's either.

[once removed]

i wouldnt tell you to "move on". id tell you to give yourself permission to grieve, and to do so.

BPD has only so much bearing here. this was a relationship of twenty years, and if i read correctly, has taken place over about half of your life. thats going to leave a real void. it is natural and understandable to hurt, and it will take time to grieve.

ive come to believe two things:

1. sometimes two people can love each other very much, do their best, and not be able to make it work.

2. one person does not, cannot, hold the key to your happiness. only you do.

and in the longer term, focusing on the latter is part of how you move on. once youve grieved, you begin to recover and heal, and you shift the focus to you and your happiness. in doing so, you become more emotionally and intimately available for the "right one".

this doesnt happen over night, and certainly not after twenty years. treat yourself well, and let yourself grieve.

looking at either the stages of grief, or the stages of abandonment, where would you say are now? you can find them here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263

[Dark horse]

I agree with so much of what Stripey said as I'm in the process of separating from by  BPD ex right now.  I was with him for 17 years and made the promises to be together forever that you made as well... and by golly, "I'm not a quitter!", right?    You are right about "people not being perfect"... .but a relationship with a person with BPD is SOO FAR! from perfect... .the problem with the BPD relationship is that you dig yourself into a hole with a teaspoon... .its so subtle over time, but every time you dig a little deeper into that hole, you chip away the core of yourself that gives you the strength to leave.  So yes, its really takes a leap of faith to pull yourself up out of that dark space and go. 
For me, I almost left him about 4 times and then he shaped up, but I have to say that each of those times when I re-entered the relationship, I didn't do it with quite the same enthusiasm.  But what happened over time was that I became incredibly depressed, lost my confidence, stopped taking care of myself (gained weight, out of shape, disconnected from friends) and so when I started to focus on fixing that, I realized that I could only do so much while I was in the relationship.   I think if you keep your eyes open, the universe will send you guidance and support.  My first big step was about a year ago I went to see my doctor and asked for SSRI for anxiety and depression.  (I had one depression about 20 years ago -before this relationship! and I had vowed I would never let myself get into that state again, but here I was).   I knew I was taking medication that really needed to be coursing through my husbands veins but I was desperate!  I had a few days of really starting to feel like my old self and I broke out in hives.  No, it can be the meds, I thought, but yep - it was.   I wasn't going to get to take the easy way out and medicate myself to stay in the relationship.   The next thing I did was throw myself into hobbies that actually forced me to travel away for weekends.  My hubby hated to be alone so this was quite a hurdle for both of us, but I did and not only did I see it was OK - I actually started to really enjoy the time with my girlfriends and realize the pit in my stomache that returned when I got back home.  I used to read alot and I hadn't read much in quite a while so (without the benefits of medication) I was trying to help my depression, I read a book called "the Happiness Equation".   Its a nice read, lots of good tips supported by science to improve happiness and well-being.    The best part of the book, is the end of the book, the last chapter... .  Its called the secret chapter because its not numbered and its not named.  I honestly read this chapter and felt like he had written it just for me.  Its about the impact that living with an unhappy person has on you.  Its a statistical analysis.  Its not pretty but its true. 
The next book that I picked up on my pathway to freedom was called "The here and now habit" and I would strongly urge you to read this book to start your journey.   Its about being present in your life, here at this moment.  Its very easy to read, and you can start the practice of meditation  for just a few minutes a day and you won't believe the difference it will make in your life when you  start to force yourself to really live in the moment, not in past promises and happy memories or hopes for a future.  Just right now.  When I did this, I realized how "absent" I had become and was then shocked to see how my husband, even when he was "in a good mood", was hardly ever present at all.   Finally the last book I read, which might seem completely off topic was "The undoing project"... .its about two israeli psychologists who devised a set of experiments that showed the irrationality of human behavior.  They proved inherent bias' in our brains to make certain decisions that have little basis in reality.  On of the biases they talk about is that we "overvalue" things we have in hand and undervalue what we have not.  That is, case in point,  if I were presented with the prospect of a relationship with a stranger that was just like the one I was in, would I do it?  That was when I knew.   And once I knew, it was like I didn't have a choice anymore.  I could honor that little squashed spirit in me that wanted to live and be happy, or I could die.   It's not easy, in fact, its awful right now... .I cry every day... .but I'm going to get through this and flourish.   As my brother said to me, ":)arkhorse, we only have a short time here on earth.  We never know how long it will last.  You've got a lot to offer the world that hasn't been tapped because of this relationship.  Its going to be hard, but its going to be worth it." 
Everyone has their own journey.  If you focus on fixing yourself, not the other person (because in your heart of hearts, you know that can't be done, right... .its just all hope and promises) then eventually you will come to right answer for yourself.  Love yourself more. 

[Gemsforeyes]

Whew!  I have learned more in the last few days than I have in the last six years!  First of all, relief that "IT" has a name -Borderline Personality Disorder.  Second, relief that  I am NOT crazy and I am NOT alone!  But the most difficult thing is third, my ex-husband and my very recent ex-boyfriend are merging.  And their similarities became apparent right after my breakup with the boyfriend, when I told myself- my GOD, he's just like my husband was... .19 years with my husband, 3.5 years with my boyfriend. 

But this isn't about me, except it is, I guess.  My thoughts about moving on are kind of simple.  But I didn't arrive at them simply.  I endured, as all of us here have, a great deal of pain and punishment.  My marriage is a topic I still can't face. I'm afraid to negate that much of my life. The boyfriend saga I can.  He is without a doubt a classic BPD and I'm willing to negotiate away 3.5 years because after my divorce I was worn down to a wisp of a person and he stepped in with his charms at just the right moment.  I was perfect.  But as it turned out, his needs were way more immense than mine.  Tomorrow will be one month since his departure.  It is now 2 weeks since he last texted me.  I allowed his words to hang in the air... .and that is where they will remain.

So here's my take on moving on... .adult love is simply NOT unconditional.  And although I put up with enormous amounts of misbehavior over the course of those 3.5 years, and as I said before, forgave the unforgivable time and again (I will gladly provide examples if you need them), lived with unbelievable rages, was called every name in the book, was belittled, lied to, he stole from me, he went through private papers in my home, etc., I continued to rationalize and stuck with him.  I felt sorry for him and really thought that with my strong love, deep commitment and fierce loyalty, he would change his behavior.  At one time, I told him if he didn't go to therapy for his rages, I was OUT.  He melted into a pile of tears (and this is a "man's man" who does NOT weep). 

I mostly lost my voice with him.  And each time he'd rage at me he threatened to end the relationship.  But he never would.  He was too afraid.  I was HIS lifeline.  His best friend.  I was going to have to do it.  Unbeknownst to me, I had been preparing to end it.  I was losing interest.  I was beginning to see there was nothing really in this for me.  This was not healthy.  This was not love.  He is not a kind man.  You need to really LOOK at the person.  Open your eyes... .and I mean WIDE.  And listen to the toxic way they speak to you and about the other people in their lives.  Really listen to what they say.  I REALLY looked at him.  I REALLY listened to the poison that came out of having is mouth.  It got to the point that I almost couldn't bear the sound of his voice.  Everything was so negative and ugly.  Everyone had so "wronged" him.  Everyone was out to get him.  And I mean EVERYONE!

And Here's a somewhat personal thing.  I hope not too personal.  Again, adult love is NOT unconditional.  This is a man who is really really handsome.  But that's not enough.  I grew so weary of having to tell him how beautiful he was... .He's also the most selfish and lazy lover I've ever known.  I told him this gently so many times that it's not enough to just look good... .and I recently made a "joke" that his idea of foreplay is his arms raised up with his fingers interlocked behind his head.   And he laughed and agreed with me!  What does that say?  That did NOT make him angry!  Go figure... .

Living with a BPD person is exhausting.  You will twist yourself into knots trying to make them happy and it won't work.  You will spend countless hours picking up shattered pieces of your wrecked heart in the middle of the night while they are sleeping peacefully.  They will scream heartless insults at you one minute and act as if it never happened five minutes later and make you think you deserved that verbal beating.   You will pray to GOD they will leave you, and they won't.  And then you will have to desperately try to plot your escape and hope to get out in one piece.  I finally recognized that what he did FOR me was NOTHING compared with the horrible things he did TO me.  All summed up, I could hire someone to do what this guy did FOR me... .that is how clear my vision has becuome.  And yes, I did think I was going to be with him for the rest of my life.  He asked me to marry him less than two months after we met; and his marriage talk continued for quite some time.  I never said yes.

So Guysmiley... .Knowing what you know, Why NOT move on?  No... .adult love is NOT unconditional, regardless of what youthful promise you may have made.  You see, the vows she took allow you to freely abandon any promise you made.  But there's another reason, and I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you any more than you're hurting, but she is someone else's wife.  It's time for you to set yourself free.  It's perfectly fine for you to do that right now.

Sincerely,
Gemsforeyes

[doy]

ok i have to write this in the midst of being utterly sad and probably will find it hard to believe my own words.

BUT about moving on ...
i was once in a relationship with a guy that had a narcissistic personality disorder.
(yes, and the last one had BPD. to my own defense , i was in  healthy relationships too, i am just a weakhearted fixer)
about the one with NPD:
it lasted for three years on and off. we felt like soul mates,  this was the deepest connection i had ever felt. we had amazing sex, talked for days, we went to tropical islands , climbed on roofs to watch fireworks, made love in crazy places, laughed for hours on an end. all very intense.
but this all happened in between the drama, of him tearing himself and me apart... storming out the door. confabulations, lies, silent treatments.
really nasty, manipulative stuff, disappearing, withholding intimacy etc. recycling me every three to six months. this went on for three years. i let him leave me , and let him return. i felt him to be my true love. saw him everywhere, it drove me up the wall and i had to go traveliing for a month to prevent me from going fully depressed. that definitely helped but i wasn't over him. i still believed in our love, even knowing about his NPD. he was so, so abusive... .but the highs were so high.

anyway... , i got over him eventually. completely. i let him break contact without trying to get it back. it was hard. mainly for my ego. but i knew better deep down.  a couple of months ago he contacted me again after a year. i suddenly saw reality. i felt nothing but 'this is a sick man' . i told him we were not on the same wave anymore and wished him well. that was it.

i do know what real getting over means, and it is nothing you can force or decide.
you can only take yourself by the hand and keep space for yourself without that person. allowing that emptyness to be filled with other things, no matter how long it takes.
i knew the moment of intense happiness i felt when for the first time i enjoyed the good memories i had with my exNPD, without a sense of longing or pain.
i didn't dare to think of that for more than a year, i just had to tell myself he was utterly horrible in order to survive.
so that was a big thing for me, the feeling of freedom was indescribable.
and since then i just have thoughts like: you D-head , we had great times. but darn , you were really insane. with nothing but a smile.

just to say... it will happen, i also thought this was the ' strongest love' i had ever felt.
sometimes i think the love you feel has more to do with you than the subject of affection. the latter is merely that. the one you direct all your arrows on.

[Stripey77]

BTW all -

here is a little food for thought. Yesterday, I received news of a distant acquaintance, but of many years, suddenly, and I mean, very suddenly, passing away at a far, far too early age. The news has devastated many, many people. Life can be that brutally and suddenly, over.  One week posting on FB, the next, all the posts are a tribute to his life. It was a real wake up call and made me very sad and thoughtful yesterday.

Someone else has said this here, but life really is short. We need to take control of ours, stop wasting this precious gift, and start living. We can still love our exes, but we might have to do it from afar as I said earlier. As someone else said, adult love is not unconditional, and they have broken the conditions of receiving our love, sometimes many times over.

Loving from afar means that we allow ourselves that indulgence of keeping them in our hearts, being grateful for the memories we did have, but hopefully opening up a space for someone new to come along.

Otherwise, our own tributes will read as if we were a bunch of Miss. (or Mr!) Havershams. And I don't want that to be my epitaph.

 

[doy]

ok one more thing to sober up , i think anyone who is writing here is not over someone with BPD.
so it is a hard question to ask in this place, everyone can give advice but we are all on the same boat otherwise we wouldn't be writing here.
the last thing i do is writing on a NPD forum about my narcissistic ex, because when i think i am truly over someone, i will not feel the need to be here.
we can , however , help each other on that journey.

[happendtome]

ok one more thing to sober up , i think anyone who is writing here is not over someone with BPD.
so it is a hard question to ask in this place, everyone can give advice but we are all on the same boat otherwise we wouldn't be writing here.
the last thing i do is writing on a NPD forum about my narcissistic ex, because when i think i am truly over someone, i will not feel the need to be here.
we can , however , help each other on that journey.

You are right, we have reasons to be here. Russians say: "if he hits then he loves" . What im trying to say is that abuse is not love.

[heartandwhole]

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[Stripey77]

I'm really feeling dreadfully down again at the moment. I'm doing so so much better but I am sure many of you can resonate when I say the pain is like a gift that keeps on giving. It just won't go away. I've just found out that he's about to make his annual trip home for several weeks, and that has triggered all sorts of thoughts, not least of all thinking about the fact this time last year, and the year before, it was me who was with him the night before and waved him off the next morning. 2 years ago as his new girlfriend who he seemed to be falling head over heels for... .and against all the odds after a massive ST of months, last year I found myself in the same position when he suddenly walked back into my life the week before he went away. He spent 3 nights with me that week after months of silence. 

This year, who knows? He's not talking to me as I say... .but that is liable to change in the blink of an eye. Could be next month could be next year. I can't help feeling so down and even still crying from time to time, because I feel as if I am never going to get out of this. We've been split up for ages but it's not ages since we were intimate. Or talked. I feel as if I'm on a bungee rope and every time I just start to get towards the ground and safety, I get yanked back up again and into the hell that is being in love with a BPD.

It really is over as I outlined on previous posts, but I still want him in my life (and he has said the same) so much. I also want so badly to be loved again, and am working very hard on trying to  be receptive to new people and from moving away from him. Of course I slip up sometimes, I make contact with him, however subversive. Not expecting a reply, but just to let him know that I do not in fact hate him, as he told me he thinks I must not so long ago.

I sincerely wish I had the answers to the OP's question. I wish lots of things. What scares me the most and makes me so sad, is that I feel (however illogical and unrealistic) that I am now doomed to spending the rest of my life alone. Not what I want at all but I feel crippled with fear at the prospect of touching another man, let alone being in bed with one or holding hands again. I don't feel as if I'm ever going to meet anyone I want to do those things with, despite plenty of offers all around me... .I've met no one who has sparked the slightest interest. And then that worries me because I think that something inside me has died.

Sometimes it doesn't feel like a overstatement to say that BPD has truly effed up my life. I certainly feel as if the neurones in my own brain have been reprogrammed irretrievably in one direction only... .thinking about loving, and therefore missing, him, coupled with a constant loneliness and yearning to be in a healthy relationship. It feels light years away... .again not what I want. I want love in my life. I know the simple answer that anyone outside of this forum would give... .'you need to make yourself available'. But I don't feel as if I can do that; instead I  feel tortured by thoughts of me and him. I've been doing so much better, so much so that I sometimes think yes! I am coming out of the other side. But the last couple of days, it has been relentless.  I hate it, I hate what this has done to me.

The only suggestion that I can make to anyone about moving on is to get up every day, keep busy, keep strong and try to look forwards. One day we have got to come out from under this cloud.  That's what I do, and keep trying to listen to the logical side of my brain that tells me that this too shall pass.

[RomanticFool]

Stripey,

I am sorry you are still grieving for this damaged man.

I once spent 10 years hankering after a woman, who was a control freak, but to my knowledge didn't have BPD. It usually takes me years to get over broken relationships.

What I have learnt as I have aged is that the issue lies inside me. BPDs are often described as being in constant emotional turmoil. Feeling empty, bored, yearning for love and then feeling 'engulfment' when they get it. Prone to fits of rages and the push/pull cycle. Then I thought, 'That's me.'

My saving grace is that I don't lack empathy and I try to treat people right in relationships. But give me five minutes in a room with my exBPD and watch me turn into the best caregiver in the world. The most charming love-bombing man that ever talked his way into a romantic liaison. So, what I'm saying is I have traits, but not as pronounced as a fully fledged BPD and I couldn't do the silent treatment to anybody if my life depended on it. I NEED to communicate.

So I looked back into my own childhood and saw abandonment issues. Absent father, a controlling and withholding mother, when my father was around my parents had ferocious rows. My father was an underminer (the mofo still is) and he destroyed what little self esteem I had as a kid. I AM EXACTLY THE PROFILE THAT IS PRONE TO BEING 'GROOMED' BY A BPD.

I don't know if that goes for all of us, but this pain feels like it goes back to a primal wound. Why am I so uncontrollably demented about my ex sexually? - she is 60 effing years old. I am younger. I showed a photo of her to my 35 year old mate and asked him if he could see the attraction. He said, "Yeah, she is attractive.' Then I asked him if he would sleep with her and he laughed and said, 'I go for women in their 20's.' Now I know love is in the eye of the beholder, but these facts do suggest that whatever the attachment is comes from deep inside my damaged psyche rather than anything to do with her physical being. I know I have issues around sex addiction, add that to feelings that this woman reminds me somehow of my mother and you have one confused and mixed up hotpot of emotions and desire. What would Freud make of it I wonder?

[Hopefulgirl]

Stripey77,
I know this isn't my post   but I wish i could make a print out of what you said and give it to my friends and family because you've described my feelings exactly. It would make them understand me so much better! Ive read your posts over and over. God bless your honesty.

GuySmiley, you have much support on this website, but allow yourself to grieve for someone who is too mentally unstable to make you or anyone else truly happy. I kept my emotions inside for so long, thinking my anguish and confusion was somehow shameful. If only i had found sites like this earlier.

[lovenature]

Try to look at the overall in life; whether it is a partner, house, car, community etc. There is positive and negative to just about anything, choose what best suits you according to what really matters to you.