Too good to leave, very hard to deal with

[snowglobe]

Hello everyone
I've been married to an amazing man, who also shows all of the clear signs of BPD, perhaps even with bipolar mixed in it. We've been together for 16 years, married for 15. During those years I went through- something is profoundly wrong with me, to " how could I not see it"?. When it's good, very are great, happy and content. When it's bad, I'm feeling so scared, lonely and confused. Although I've walked these circles of hell for so many years, I still can't get used to them or get out of tunnel vision. I want to stay, and meet my old age with him by my side, but it sometimes feels that one day he will break me... .we have 2 children and I want them to be raised with their father present. At the same time, I'm sometimes afraid to leave them with him alone. By being present in my husband's life I've helped him regulate emotions and stabilize enough to become highly successful. Even though my love for him is so profound, I know better after 16 years, I want the impossible, I want change. For those of you who had the success stories with your loved ones, what motivated that recovery? My husband doesn't think that there is anything wrong with him, that it's business, the world, the wrong house, is being incompatible that makes his life miserable. And the only solution is to e.g. Get out of business, sell the house, divorce me and etc. As soon as business recovered, he is hopeful again, being most generous man on the planet, confesses his love. Feeling depleted doesn't beggin to describe it, I feel scared for the future.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Snowglobe,

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so scared and frustrated right now. Living with someone with BPD can be very challenging and hard on the emotions.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

We have a saying around here. You can't begin to make things better until you stop making them worse. A lot of times us Non-BPDs do things to contribue to the conflict in the way that react to our pwBPD. We might invalidate them or try to justify ourselves. All of these things can lead to increased conflict. We have a lot of great workshops on the right side of the page. Here's a link to one of my favorites on THe Dos and Don'ts of a Relationship with someone with BPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

[snowglobe]

@Tatteredheart thank you so much for your reply and extra information, I will take some time to really direct it down and pull apart to understand. At times it feels that I'm loosing it, and doubt my own sanity. I grew up with Narsisistic father and borderline mother, always aiming to please. They had a turbulent divorce, following remarriage for both parents and relocation to another country. When I met my husband at 17, him 10 years older I though it was the best thing that happened to me. In many ways it still remains true. However the moment I get "out of line", or don't jump to meet his needs he wants to quit the relationship. This alternation between complete obsession and adoration to complete rejection, silent treatments, him pushing me out of his life, sends a physical chill down my spine. I developed IBS as a result of the stress I'm constantly enduring. There isn't any balance in his relationship with me. He either worships me and spares no means to please me, or completely rejects and devalues me as a human being. After reading some threads I see it's a common theme for all of us non BPDs. Worst of all, our teenage daughter is starting to show the same symptoms, no matter how hard I try to explain to her what happenes to her father. At times, I feel that it's catch 22 no matter what I do... .

[Auspicious]

That's a lot to go through!

Of course you want change! The hard reality is that you can't change him. He may change at some point, but he has to decide to.

You can change what you do, how you react, how you spend your time. It's not easy, but it's way easier than trying to change someone else.

Have you checked out the links on the right, especially the Lessons?

Hang in there! 

[snowglobe]

Dear Auspicious, thank you for directing my attention towards the lessons. I will read up on it. As I get older, and hopefully wiser, I understand the extent of his disperation and the nature of the illness. It is a daily choice to see him as either monster, or a victim of child neglect. Can you please share with me your experiences, this rejection stage, how long does it last? Do majority BPD suffers eventually turn, or do they detach if the needs aren't met? I'm so deeply ashamed, yet liberated to tell you the depth of despair and humiliation I go through to keep him when he is splitting. I beg, I try to convince, I service him, I try to massage him to get some dopamine flow. I lay myself like a doormat. Once I'm completely and utterly shattered and almost accepting his decision to leave me, he comes back breathing the air into my life yet again. And I hope, I shut the logical part of my brain that screams that one day he will leave for good and carry on. I raise my kids, I play house, I go to parties. All the while knowing that there is an expiration date on my forehead when it comes to the relationship. When it gets especially tough, when he demeans me, telling me he will find someone to have the sex with, or that I should find a boyfriend to take care of me, I almost want to find "how to punish a borderline for dummies". Funny enough, even after 16 years together I don't know any weak points or buttons to push. This man is indestructible. He is so broken, that there is nothing that can hurt him or enough for him to care. After this rejection stage he self medicates and tries to connect with me in a sexual way and plead that I'm a saint woman. That no matter how hard he pushes me I stay and remain balanced, faithful and trustworthy. He then proceeds to spend obscene amounts of money on me, showering me with attention, affection and borderline stalking. Can anyone help me sort his behaviour out?