words

[Whitelaw]

Hi. My kind of partner and I broke up after 7 years on and off, last February. I found the pages on this website very useful indeed. One line that really resonated was 'You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.' I am pretty sure he had BPD (but that can only be my opinion). He was amazing with words. Not just passionate and reckless promises to me, but also using both written and spoken works generally - it was something I loved about him and love of words was something we shared.  When he left, as I realised he was leaving yet again,  I felt I had literally been punched in the chest. Two weeks later I got an incredibly bad chest infection, and since then I have lost my voice to the extent that I now need to go for investigations at ENT. I feel this is all to do with 'letting go of the words'. His words may have been beautiful, but his actions were often, and ultimately, cruel and heartless. I know it has really ended this time, at last,  but now, what about me? No voice, a punched in the chest feeling still after 3 months, complete exhaustion every day. How can I get better? It may be psychosomatic but it is also real. (I know this is rather an impossible question). I won't see him again - apart from anything he lives at the other end of the country and has absolutely no money (so much for his crazy notions of earning millions). I am 60, and I have other problems in life, being a carer, etc. so I doubt I'll meet anyone else. My life feels empty and desolate without his daily emails, and yes, the terrific ups and downs of the relationship in which I always felt I was treading on eggshells. Everything else seems boring -  and i know that is typical, but still I feel it - especially as I can't go out and enjoy myself with chest pains, exhaustion and no voice! A vicious circle. I don't really expect there is an answer to this, but I thought it might help to write it down.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Whitelaw, Welcome!  Sorry to hear that you are in pain.  The answer, I suggest, starts with taking good care of yourself and shifting the focus back to you.  Treat yourself with kindness and compassion.  Be good to yourself.  Many of us have been down this road before you.  Let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[heartandwhole]

Hi Whitelaw,



I'd like to join   LuckyJim in welcoming you.  I'm so sorry to hear of your breakup. Seven years is a long time, and I can relate to how much it hurts. You are definitely not alone. Members here have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through. The good news is that there is hope for things to get better. They have for me, and they can for you, too.

I can relate very much to your mention of letting go of words. In my relationship, words --beautiful, poetic, romantic, spiritual, intellectual-- played a huge part. I had to let them go, and it broke my heart. But it also set me free, and today, after 5 years,  I am actually grateful for the experience.

Your feelings are normal and understandable. It takes time for the body and mind to get back in balance. I hope you'll be gentle with yourself as you grieve this loss. We are here to walk with you.  

Do you have supportive friends and family around you, Whitelaw?  Have you thought about talking to a therapist or counselor? It really helped me after my breakup.

Keep posting, it helps to share.

heartandwhole

[RomanticFool]

Hi Whitelaw,

Welcome to the forum. This is exactly what I am trying to do, let go of the words. I used to write poems to my uBPDex married lover. I don't think she quite had the love of language that I do but I still miss writing to her and eulogising over our love and her beauty.

It's interesting that you note your age because she is 60 too and is a very beautiful woman. If I'm honest my ego has taken a dent because I thought surely a 60 year old woman would not want to walk away from such an amazing person as me . But it seems age is just a number.

Don't despair, there is someone out there for you! Get healthy and go out and find them.

[lovenature]

Welcome Whitelaw

It is essential to always go by their actions and not their words; PWBPD have psychological defences that enable them to make up their own reality based on their emotion of the moment, feelings=facts to a PWBPD. Trust is built by matching actions to words.

The more you learn and the longer you stay away the clearer things become.