2 years NC, a message from her today

[james_s]

It has been 2 years since I ended the relationship and went NC.

To keep it short here, if you are interested, you can read more about the relationship here and in my other posts:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=277721.msg12628290#msg12628290

Divorce went through, I have moved on, life is better. I wanted to tell you guys that things do get better but it takes time.

I rebuilt myself and I am a lot stronger than I have ever been. At times, memories (and at times doubts) do come back of what during the good times seemed like a "perfect girl".  But things are good.

2 years on, today, I received a message from her, she asked how I was, said she is doing well back at home and thinks it was overall a good thing we broke up ("best for both of us" even though she feels "the way it was done was not good but it's never easy" and that she hopes I am doing well.

I am not certain about her motives for the message. If she is attempting to reach out/bait or just aiming for closure. Any legal/divorce motivation is incredibly unlikely.

As you can imagine, the message triggered some intense thoughts and feelings, like a "loved one" coming back from the deceased. Honestly, I don't think I am at any risk of re-engaging.

Still, I feel a short answer is important for closure. What do you guys think?

[Doughboy]

If it has truly been 2 years of no contact then I would just keep it that way.  You have said you are better and stronger.  No reason to possibly mess that up.  Just delete it and keep on moving forward.

[Outoftheshadows]

Hi James,

I haven't read your story so I am this unfamiliar with the details however, I regard any form of contact from a BPD disorded individual as very suspect. Remember, they are highly self serving and it is their interests, and their interests alone, that dictate any contact  they have with their ex partners. I endured years of the most horrendous physical, verbal and psychological damage at the hands of one of these individuals to the point where my breathing was enough to warrant a tirade of verbal profanities. The devaluation was appaling and robbed me of my sanity, self-esteem and self respect. What's interesting is how I, in essence, aquired borderline traits. In elaboration, devoid of a sense of self. Think about it, when isolated from friends and family and discouraged from participating in any activities that are integral to self fulfilment, one is thus devoid of components that are integral to one's identity. You therefore aquire a defining trait of this disorder, that being you have no sense of self. Anyway, I will provide a brief description of the situation surrounding our first break up and convey her actions after this period. Hopefully, this will give you some insight into the points previously outlined regarding their self-serving nature.

Having been isolated and abused in the manners mentioned, my relationship was underpinned by a somewhat barbaric undercurent. In order to alleviate this tension, I fully supported my partner's new found friendship with a female friend she met at the gym. Situation was as followed. These two meet and start spending every available moment together. One night a week drinking turns into two which then turns into three then four etc. It transpired that she was not the only one who was keeping my girlfriend company on these nights. One night, having been threatened with death for eating toast, over the side of the bed, I vacate our property and go to a friends. I ring my ex the next day and she informs me that again, she is going out. I ask her to ring me when she gets in. I wake at around two thirty in the morning, realise there is no message so proceed to call my ex. She answers and I hear another man's voice in the background. Of course I had no grounds to express my dissatisfaction with the situation because, as usual, this was obviously my fault. I walk up to our property with the intention of handling this situation like the majority of any men with a semblance of self-respect would. I enter and realise there's no one present, or so I thought. I make my way from the living room to the bathroom to the bedroom and there she lies, with another woman. They wake abruptly with a look of shame in their eyes. Does my ex apologize? No, instead she again blames me, runs to the bathroom and attempts to lacerate her freshly healed wrists with a razor blade then proceeds to attempt to stab me. After a heated exchange between the two of us she leaves the property with the woman in question. Next day is her birthday dinner where she ignores me for the duration. Does she aplogize? No, again she blames me, this time for turning up when I should have stayed at home. I spend the next two days sleeping in a hotel with the intention of exiting this relationship for good. Then I have second doubts and decide to fight for the facade that I initially fel for, the mirror image we are all too familiar with. I get a taxi from the hotel to our flat and again I enter the warzone. I ask for an apology. Does she apologize? No, she attacks me again. I must digress that I am no stranger to violence or aggression but this was on another level. It was an act of unadulterated hate. Rage from the depths of borderline bell. Does she apologize? No, she blames me for turning up too late. I finish it that day and, as you know, experience what I no know was the nascent stages of PTSD. Frantic texts ensue from my part. She doesn't answer for two months. Moved the girl into our flat and spirals into an abyss of drug abuse to the point where she starts to loose teeth. I'm a mess for the duration of our breakup. Can't sleep or eat and nearly fail my final year of university. When she realises the financial implications of her actions, she inititaies contact. Does she, realizing her mistakes, applogise? Again no. She contacts me only when she requires money or support. For no other reason does she apologize or contact me. Eventuality I got back together with this individual only to break up for a final time where she scammed me out of money and cheated on numerous occassions. I have not heard from her since. Why? Because I have nothing more to give and she is more financially secure. Will she contact me again?  No, because she can derive nothing from me. I could detail the years of manipulation and abuse however, that would require more chracters than this forum permits. My point is this, my interactions from beginning to start with.my ex were always on her terms and always involved my being able to provide her with something. I'm aware that all BPDS are different but there is a common trait to be found. That being their self serving and inherently selfish nature. View her attempts to engage with great suspicion. Likelihood is, she is either lonely or needs something that you can provide her with.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear James-
I so admire your strength, and feel the pain you've gone through both during your relationship and following the breakup.  I am almost 8 weeks out, and I think about 6 weeks no contact. 

The only way for me to maintain NC is to keep the horrible things he did at the surface of my mind.  I need to let the lovely parts of the relationship slip into oblivion and stay there; or I will ALWAYS be in danger of allowing him to destroy my life.  He will finish me off.  My journal will help me do that - it is my link to what he did (along with what I've written on this forum).

Please honor and love yourself enough to keep the door closed.  Since she has shown she cannot or will not apologize, any closure you get will need to come from your own continued healing.  From what I've learned and lived, when they come back it's usually to take something, not to give something.  And that something is really BIG and painful.

Take good care of yourself,
Gemsforeyes

[james_s]

Thank you very much for your replies guys. The behaviours of BPD can be incredibly damaging and the only way to avoid them is to stay away.

I will definitely not rush into any replies. If I do reply, it will be a closed off sentence to allow closure for me but I don't feel like I am at risk of re-engaging.

[joeramabeme]

James

IMO, Probably the simplest answer to your question is to be honest with her.  "It has been 2 years NC and your life is better". 

You could just tell her that.  If that feels like a lump in your throat then probably best not to reply at all because that would indicate some additional feelings below the surface.

JRB

[lovenature]

the message triggered some intense thoughts and feelings

I would be sure you are detached enough to respond so you don't end up in a recycle.

Closure is not possible with a PWBPD because they make up their reality about the past, present, and future based on their emotion of the moment; some have been known to reach out over 10 years later. Best to stay NC IMO.

[Circle]

Don't do it. Just say no.

[HopinAndPrayin]

It has been 2 years since I ended the relationship and went NC.

Divorce went through, I have moved on, life is better. I wanted to tell you guys that things do get better but it takes time.

I rebuilt myself and I am a lot stronger than I have ever been.

James, great work on rebuilding yourself and recovering!  Look how far you have come!  So... .Why put that all at risk?  :)o you recall the depths of despair you hauled yourself out of?  If you are stronger than you have ever been, you are strong enough to choose yourself over an unrecovered pwBPD.

Still, I feel a short answer is important for closure. What do you guys think?

James, WTH are you thinking?   . But in all seriousness, countless medical professionals and many of your fellow posters will tell you - there is no closure with a pwBPD, only silence and peace maintained by NC.  You are not the exception.  These boards are filled with so many postings arguing from a perception of strength and detachment that we are healthy enough to take the on-slaught and we have new tools, and maybe this time it will be different.  Or, I didn't think I would get sucked back in.  When you go back to those same posters years later, it invariably ends the same way.  An unrecovered pwBPD is enough to take even the strongest down, stripping them of dignity, joy, and over time independence and even the will to live.  

If you have not spent the last two full years in therapy understanding exactly what your vulnerability to the pwBPD was and worked your tail off to heal those (likely childhood) wounds, you are still vulnerable.  If you have worked on healing those wounds, why would you ask about whether a simple note would give you closure?  :)on't you have that for yourself already?

I apologize because I am being antagonistic.  But if someone ever heard me in this situation I would want them to verbally shake some sense into me.  This siren's call seems to take down even the most well-intentioned.

But if choosing yourself isn't something you can think about right now, then know that when you reach out even with that small effort you are sanctioning the behavior you received.  You are saying it is ok what was done.  What closure is that?  That's not doing your ex any favors either. You are enabling abusive behavior and preventing that person from experiencing the consequences of their behavior and thus delaying whatever realization that might bring them to therapy and healing. The most compassionate thing you can do is to stay NC and let it drift away.

[Austin53]

2yrs NC. That wonderful perfect women still lurks below the surface. And she will disappear just as quickly as she did before. No reply is your best option. She is trying to lure you back in as they always do.