Anyone had similar experience?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi guys,

I am new to the forum. I hope I am posting in the right location.

I am going through things that are very new, scary and incredibly damaging but from reading these forums, it appears I am not the only one. Many experiences of mine mirror others on here (so I will try to keep it short) but there is just an extra factor that I wonder if anyone has had experience with.

I hope that people reading this either find it useful in some way or can offer some words of advice.

I am from Canada. Eighteen months ago, I met an amazing Spanish girl. She was like no one I had ever met before. We instantly clicked. The relationship was intense, amazing, exhilarating in ways I thought unimaginable outside of a blockbuster romantic comedy.

She seemed to develop deep feelings for me very early. She opened up to me regarding some troubled previous experiences, early warning signs and inconsistencies appeared but while I intensely ruminated over them, I did not let them change how I felt about her. At the time, she functioned at a very high level and appeared thoroughly organized and “well put together”.

Being from Spain she was completely alone here. As she was convinced I was “the one”, she wanted to stay with me, looked for a job to stay in Canada but in time, it became clear the only way for her to stay was by getting married, which we did. In the process she became more isolated from her usual support networks in Spain and I felt very responsible for her well being. If our relationship were to end, she would have to leave the country.

Over the previous year, the physical and mental ailments, rage, verbal and physical aggression and abuse began along with the slow but progressive process of alienating me from my friends and family.  And progressively worsened.

At no point was there any insight into this, it was always the fault of someone else. My wife did not share any of these things with her family (who may share similar characteristics). In time, these issues became a bit of my secret that I felt I couldn’t share with anyone. She was very much in love and attached to me and while often disliking her new life here, could not bear to leave.

Being inexperienced, male and madly in love, I always felt I could (or should) handle it all. Initially alone, I tried to help, to support in every way but nothing changed. We still had a lot of good times but it was progressively worsening. We saw doctors, psychologists and BPD was diagnosed but without insight or accepting something was wrong, we were unable to make any progress.

As the episodes of physical aggression intensified, I took steps to leave but every time returned as I had nowhere else to go or threats of self harm or panic attacks surfaced. I played it down in my mind and felt bad for her as she was so alone here.

As the punches, kicks and rage progressed, I reached an ultimatum and together with the psychologist insisted this must stop. This lead to another huge outburst and I fled, ended the relationship and survived through days of threats of self and non self harm and love letters. I cut off all contact, feeling terrible in the process. Then she stopped writing and I assume she is now back in Spain.

I now swing between fear due to potential revenge actions (when the rage was happening, I wouldn’t put anything past her), regret regarding how it all went and guilt as me walking away forced her to make huge life changes that are very difficult.

During good times, she was (and in many ways is) my angel, the loveliest, most beautiful human being I ever interacted with. At the same time, I was in a clear cycle of serious abuse that I could not get out of.

BPD is a very, very serious disorder. I wonder if anyone has had a similar experience with a BPD from another country?

[james_s]

Hi guys,

I am new to the forum. I hope I am posting in the right location.

I am going through things that are very new, scary and incredibly damaging but from reading these forums, it appears I am not the only one. Many experiences of mine mirror others on here (so I will try to keep it short) but there is just an extra factor that I wonder if anyone has had experience with.

I hope that people reading this either find it useful in some way or can offer some words of advice.

I am from Canada. Eighteen months ago, I met an amazing Spanish girl. She was like no one I had ever met before. We instantly clicked. The relationship was intense, amazing, exhilarating in ways I thought unimaginable outside of a blockbuster romantic comedy.

She seemed to develop deep feelings for me very early. She opened up to me regarding some troubled previous experiences, early warning signs and inconsistencies appeared but while I intensely ruminated over them, I did not let them change how I felt about her. At the time, she functioned at a very high level and appeared thoroughly organized and “well put together”.

Being from Spain she was completely alone here. As she was convinced I was “the one”, she wanted to stay with me, looked for a job to stay in Canada but in time, it became clear the only way for her to stay was by getting married, which we did. In the process she became more isolated from her usual support networks in Spain and I felt very responsible for her well being. If our relationship were to end, she would have to leave the country.

Over the previous year, the physical and mental ailments, rage, verbal and physical aggression and abuse began along with the slow but progressive process of alienating me from my friends and family.  And progressively worsened.

At no point was there any insight into this, it was always the fault of someone else. My wife did not share any of these things with her family (who may share similar characteristics). In time, these issues became a bit of my secret that I felt I couldn’t share with anyone. She was very much in love and attached to me and while often disliking her new life here, could not bear to leave.

Being inexperienced, male and madly in love, I always felt I could (or should) handle it all. Initially alone, I tried to help, to support in every way but nothing changed. We still had a lot of good times but it was progressively worsening. We saw doctors, psychologists and BPD was diagnosed but without insight or accepting something was wrong, we were unable to make any progress.

As the episodes of physical aggression intensified, I took steps to leave but every time returned as I had nowhere else to go or threats of self harm or panic attacks surfaced. I played it down in my mind and felt bad for her as she was so alone here.

As the punches, kicks and rage progressed, I reached an ultimatum and together with the psychologist insisted this must stop. This lead to another huge outburst and I fled, ended the relationship and survived through days of threats of self and non self harm and love letters. I cut off all contact, feeling terrible in the process. Then she stopped writing and I assume she is now back in Spain.

I now swing between fear due to potential revenge actions (when the rage was happening, I wouldn’t put anything past her), regret regarding how it all went and guilt as me walking away forced her to make huge life changes that are very difficult.

During good times, she was (and in many ways is) my angel, the loveliest, most beautiful human being I ever interacted with. At the same time, I was in a clear cycle of serious abuse that I could not get out of.

BPD is a very, very serious disorder. I wonder if anyone has had a similar experience with a BPD from another country?

[Mutt]

Hi james_s



I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. It can feel scary and confusing when a loved one behaves in ways we may not thought possible when the onset of the relationship starts with a deep emotional connection.

We may be put on a pedestal where we can't do any wrong and kicked off that same pedestal and the fall can be long.

Many members here share similar experiences and can offer guidance and support.

I can understand how difficult your decision was difficult and it sounds like you did the right things with seeking professional help and guidance.

I can also understand how you fear her with her disproportionate anger and kicking and punching you. I understand that your not sure if she's in Canada or Spain. What happened that you don't know where she is?

Have you made a call with your local police or RCMP and asked if you can get a protective order?

[james_s]

Thank you very much for your kind words Mutt! It has been a month since all this happened and the unit where we lived was emptied completely.

If anything further occurs, I will be getting a protective order. Thanks again.

[Mutt]

Thank you very much for your kind words Mutt! It has been a month since all this happened and the unit where we lived was emptied completely.

If anything further occurs, I will be getting a protective order. Thanks again.

Wow

Did she take all of the belongings?

[james_s]

Wow

Did she take all of the belongings?

All mutual belongings yes. But it is a small price to pay and with her likely needing to leave the country and change jobs etc., I am not overly angry about this. The visa aspect of all this made it just that bit harder.