My mind is messing with me

[talking rose]

I got a restraining order and filed for divorce from BPDh.  I thought that after the filing, I would feel better.  But instead I cannot stop crying, and it's been 9 days already.  I still can't eat (that's been a few weeks,) and I stopped being able to exercise.  The first few days, I thought I was mourning the marriage.  But now, my mind keeps going to "what if" and I feel like I'm going insane.  I know we had an intense connection during the good times, but the bad times were so awful, verbal and physical abuse and triangulating... .  And it was progressively getting worse and worse until I thought I might actually be going insane.  So why am I wondering what if?  And why do  I actually miss him?  What's wrong with me? 
(I am seeing a therapist and going to al anon meetings.)

[Emotions]

I suggest you feel your feelings... .my mom says sometimes you just have to bottom out... .cry if you have to, it's completely normal... .you NEED to eat, I have found that Dannon Greek yogurt light and fit has protein, and is easy to eat even if you have to force it down, you need to do it put some granola or cheerios in the yogurt if you can... .then you will have energy to go on some walks... .do you have a friend or family near that can get you some groceries? If you felt like me, I had such low energy that even going to store or opening a yogurt was tough... .DIG DEEP rose and take care of yourself... .you can do it!

[Larmoyant]

talking rose, nothing is wrong with you   . You are experiencing grief and loss from a traumatic relationship. It can be paralysing. I was where you are last year and although it might not feel like it now things will improve. As Emotions says cry it out and let your feelings come out. Reach out to understanding others if you can and come here for support. It helped me to talk about it and I posted here a lot working through all the feelings as and when they came up.     

[Harley Quinn]

Hi talking rose,

I don't need to tell you that it's important to care for your body and physical health right now, as this will support your emotional and mental well being.  You know that.  I too can fail to care for myself when feeling very overwhelmed with emotions.  Try to do what you'd advise a dear friend or loved one to do in this situation.  If solid food is just too much to stomach right now, then try a meal replacement drink to get some vital nutrients into you.  I lived on Complan for a while.  Do you have a friend or relative who could come over and motivate you to go out for a walk or do some gentle exercise with you?  Your body will be telling you what it needs, whether that be food, rest or movement.  Please try to listen to it.  I know it's hard.

So why am I wondering what if?  And why do  I actually miss him?  What's wrong with me? 

Firstly if there is something wrong with you then it applies to everyone on this board at some stage.  You are not alone in your feelings, trust me.  Secondly, I'm wondering if you have read this article.  It helped me enormously and I read it often.  If you've not already seen this, I hope it answers some of your questions and gives you a sense of peace to know that what you're experiencing is to be expected.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

I think this article would be well accompanied by a bowl of soup... .

Love and light x

[talking rose]

Thank you all for your replies, makes me feel less alone knowing my experience has been shared by others as well.
I don't know what I would do without this board right now. 
I don't have a lot of support in real life right now, because most of our friends are mutual friends and I only found out recently that he has been talking crap about me behind my back to everyone we know for the last year.  My family lives far away, and isn't much of a support anyway.  His family, who I was very close to until now, completely turned against me.  I work from home part time but I'm mostly a stay at home mom.  So not much support.  I do have a few very close friends who I call to vent, but I feel like they are getting sick of hearing me cry on the phone at this point.
I was able to eat a bit today.  Suddenly found an appetite.  But I got full so quickly, and then couldn't eat again the rest of the day.
My 14 year old son told me today that I look great and lost  a lot of weight.  I just said thank you, but it made me sad if even he noticed.
Even if I do manage to eat, my body doesn't hold it in for long.
I am in a perpetual state of fight or flight.  It's as if I am in a war right now.
I have been thought a lot in my life, but never anything that felt this bad or lasted this long.
I am very scared for the divorce proceedings.  I am scared that he will fight me for custody.  I am scared for my reputation in the community and amongst our group of friends because of his character assasination against me.  I am so sad for the loss of a marriage that I really thought was the one.  I am also, at the same time, so sad that I thought this abusive marriage was the one.  I am scared at the thought of how I will support myself and my 5 kids (even if I do get child support, he doesn't make that much and we were living paycheck to paycheck in one home, so it will be so much worse in 2.)
And I cry all the time.  I can't stop crying.
Honestly, I am asking myself, if this is what BPD feels like (crazy uncontrollable emotions and fear of the unknown and paranoia about what other people are thinking,) then no wonder he acts like a jerk all the time, he lives in constant turmoil, and maybe I didn't do enough to soothe him!
I know, crazy talk.
Like I said, my mind is messing with me.

[Circle]

Situations like this seperate people out. You may find out, which people that you thought were kind, aren't in actuality. Which is a mixed blessing, or whatever you want to call it. It sucks; but you get to see people's real actions, through stuff like this. I've been through a couple culling situations and it's kind of mind blowing. You may be pleasantly surprised too. I have found that, a person who was close with my X and who I thought probably hated me, showed kindness and empathy to me, when we crossed paths almost a year post breakup. Hang in there. I am sure much will work in your favor that you have not anticipated. My folks split when I was fairly young. It taught me so much more than living in a static household ever could have. Sounds like some people have posted good info for you.
 

[once removed]

I am in a perpetual state of fight or flight.  It's as if I am in a war right now.
... .
And I cry all the time.  I can't stop crying.

hi talking rose,

im really sorry to hear youre going through this. i struggled in similar ways in the aftermath of my relationship... .i couldnt eat, daily anxiety attacks that would last for hours, and awful crying jags on a daily basis; i didnt have a whole lot of support either. my heart really goes out to you  .

im here to tell you that it does get better, and you will make it through this; i know sometimes it might feel like things are getting worse, but your body is going through an awful lot, and over time, it will sort out.

i would ask if you were running on a lot of adrenaline and anxiety during the relationship. this may explain your body being in fight or flight mode.

i wont tell you to eat. i will suggest, as you likely know, that not doing so will make your body feel worse, and lower its natural defenses.

im glad to hear youre seeing a therapist; do the things necessary to take care of yourself that you feel capable of doing, and try to build on it a little at a time... .routine is your friend. i might also encourage you to see a doctor and/or try some supplements. getting my body to no longer be out of wack made dealing with everything else much easier for me.

hang in there talking rose. we are here for you through every step of this.

[talking rose]

Situations like this seperate people out. You may find out, which people that you thought were kind, aren't in actuality. Which is a mixed blessing, or whatever you want to call it. It sucks; but you get to see people's real actions, through stuff like this. I've been through a couple culling situations and it's kind of mind blowing. You may be pleasantly surprised too. I have found that, a person who was close with my X and who I thought probably hated me, showed kindness and empathy to me, when we crossed paths almost a year post breakup. Hang in there. I am sure much will work in your favor that you have not anticipated. My folks split when I was fairly young. It taught me so much more than living in a static household ever could have. Sounds like some people have posted good info for you.
 

this is so true.  it has been eye opening to see the differences in people's reactions.  for some, i was pleasantly surprised, but for many i was really pained.  like a very close friend who suddenly won't talk to me, and when i called her and she picked up (after ignoring my calls for a couple of weeks,) she was cold and distant.  i told her that she sounds a bit distant, and she said that she doesn't feel comfortable because she thinks we are both great people and she just wishes we could work out our marital problems.  that really stung.  it took me a few days to get over that one.  in the past i would have told myself that a fair weather friend was never a friend at all, but right now i'm in such a dark place that i need all friends, even the bad ones.

[talking rose]

hi talking rose,


i would ask if you were running on a lot of adrenaline and anxiety during the relationship. this may explain your body being in fight or flight mode.


hang in there talking rose. we are here for you through every step of this.

hi once removed,
yes i was running on adrenaline and anxiety during the relationship.  it was always very intense, the good times and the bad.  i was never at peace for even a moment.  i only noticed in recent years that even when things are good between us, i was always tense and on edge, waiting for "The Turn."  it always came, always least expected even though it was always expected.

that is part of why i don't understand my current feelings and state of mind.  i knew for a few years already that this marriage was doomed.  i knew that i was being abused, and when the verbal abuse escalated to physical, i started planning my exit in my head.  i would lie awake at night next to him, dreaming of having the room to myself and not seeing his angry presence every morning.  so why am i so conflicted now?  i am clear in my head, but conflicted in my heart.  i know the kids are part of the reason, that i feel like i am destroying their lives by breaking up their home.  but it's not only the kids.  i also miss him, miss the good times, in a crazy way.

[once removed]

i had my foot out the door for a great deal of my not quite three year relationship. it was shortly before we broke up that i sort of hinted, by prayer, that i wanted out.

and then came the end, and suddenly i had her on a pedestal for the first time.

my suggestion: let yourself grieve and let yourself miss him - these things are natural and healthy, and its also not unnatural to feel conflicted. by all means, relish in those things/activities that make you feel free and independent, too, but give yourself permission to grieve. there is a great deal to sort out, and to recover from, and grieving will clear that way.

[talking rose]

i had my foot out the door for a great deal of my not quite three year relationship. it was shortly before we broke up that i sort of hinted, by prayer, that i wanted out.

and then came the end, and suddenly i had her on a pedestal for the first time.

exactly!  i knew for years, but now that it's over, somehow my mind keeps bringing me the good times, the great times, and playing it over and over.

i got a call from my aunt today, pressure really, that she spoke to him and he wants to talk to me.  he told her that since he is not allowed to call because of the restraining order, if she can ask me to call him.  i told her this pressure from her is also against the restraining order, and i don't plan on calling him (we are communicating via text regarding the kids and nothing else,) but this sort of sobered me up from my "what if the good times will come back" ruminations, because my mind shifted back to fear and anxiety at the thought of possibly calling him again.

i guess a real grieving process is the answer.  i fear falling apart.  but i guess i have to let myself.

[Emotions]

I was terrified that I would fall apart too... .but somehow I didn't and in fact I'm getting little by little better every day... .you will too. Just make sure you eat right, exercise and sleep. We got your back rose... .