Attacking a friend

[Tattered Heart]

My H is currently attacking an acquaitance on FB over an article that the friend posted. My H is calling him stupid, belittling him, and being downright mean. The friend is doing EVERYTHING he shouldn't do--invalidating, JADEing, etc. This is not the first time he has targeted this particular person. My H believes he is intellectually superior to this guy and wants to "teach him" about life and reality. I have not commented or participated in the exchange.

I texted my H after I saw his posting and said, "I hope you are having a good day." He began to tell me about the argument. I validated him and suggested that the guy probably isn't worth him fighting with. Didn't blow up in my face. WHEW! He let off some steam and decided that he would just let it go.

I never know what to do in these scenarios. My H is having a meltdown for every single one of our friends and peer group to see. He is ruining friendships and his reputation. I know my H has to deal with the consequences of his behavior, but those consequences also affect me. By him acting a fool to others, it means I get less invites or inclusion with our peers.

Should I intervene? Should I share info with the acquaintance on how to handle my H when he is like this? How do you say to someone, "Hey my H has a mental illness that makes him attack people verbally because he is unable to see people as both good and bad at the same time"?

I hate this. It's so hard when he directs things at me, but I have knowledge and tools for handling him. It just seems so unfair for someone to have to navigate his verbal abuse when they have no idea what they are dealing with.

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[isilme]

I have to take this on a case by case basis.  Often, when my H has dissolved a friendship, it really was one that we could live without.  We both have a need to people-please.  This seems to attract people who will take advantage of us - I am more guarded and jaded these days (H kinda contributed to that).  And he allows it to a point, simply so he can appear to be a good guy, and because if fulfills his half of what he thinks friendship is.  And most of our friends know he has strong opinions and likes to "argue" them online, and the best of them will argue right back.  Luckily, he usually stays away from ad hominem attacks of just name calling, and instead uses examples and citations to prove his points.  He will argue with opposing political views and cite direct quotes from the entire history of the written word, and DOES work to stick to that as his point, rather than just name call. 

We have lost a few friends, sometimes over online arguments.  But for us at least, I can say I agreed at least 85% with H, if not with his method for calling out the friend, at least with the fact that a "friend" who likes to go out with you so he can run up your bar tab $100 each week but then turns around and calls you racist all the time is not much of a friend, and so no big loss when H finally snaps and decides to expose the guy's moochery. 

I validate the points of an argument I can.  I try to find ways to state how his comments might be misinterpreted or how they might make him look bad.  Sometimes he listens, sometimes he relents, sometimes he posts and takes the consequences.

We are going through this a little right now, but again, I am not sad if the current source of frustration is no longer in our circle of friends.  A woman we know and her husband pretty much set up a Facebook page to demand a baby shower so they'd know before the baby comes what they get as gifts so they can buy whatever we, their friends, don't.  We tried to help even with that rude start of the event, but the parents to be have been so rude and I think THEY have painted US black, so now I don't care if H gives them both barrels or not.

There is no way to politely say, my H has a mental illness, so please ignore his online presence.  Not that I have found. 

[Tattered Heart]

 That makes a lot of sense. Honestly if I really thought about it this friend that he's currently arguing with is the H of a couple that my husband and I have both been frustrated with several times in the past. They tend to be victims that don't take good advice and get themselves into bad financial predicaments  every few months and want people to build them out.  It wouldn't really bother us too much if they were no longer in our lives.

Like you, I frequently do you agree with my husband's actual points.  In fact I almost made the exact point that my husband was making after reading the article, but I knew this person didn't really want to argue about it. And two hours later my husband was fighting in that same vein.  I just hate it when he goes at them aggressively and begins to attack character without a reason. He could make really good points if you didn't get mean about it.

[waverider]

Intervening does nothing, just adds substance to it. Not validating the invalid and separating your views from his are important. No need to denounce him or back him up.

Attempting to "educate" others does nothing. If you are not living it you wont "get it" especially when you are the subject of attack. You also risk being accused of backstabbing and patronising

[Grey Kitty]

One of my best (and relatively hard!) lessons was that I wasn't responsible for or judged by my wife's behavior with other people.

If she was going to behave badly around a third party, that reflected upon her, not upon me.

It wasn't my job to intervene, either trying to stop her or to help the other party understand her.

Yes, it was hard to watch her blow up relationships in big or small ways like that... .but there really wasn't anything I could do which made things better.

[Tattered Heart]

 So after this argument between my husband and this friend stopped, the other guy tagged him in a post today trying to start a new argument. When my husband took the bait and began to argue with him the guy blocked my husband. So when I got home from work my husband was trying to process through everything.  We were talking about his past history with this guy and some of the frustrations that he's had with him.  I began talking about this guys pattern of being a victim and he's very good at manipulating people to jump in and rescue him and started talking about how he had a lot of narcissistic type traits.

 My husband says, "oh. I get it now.  I wonder what my personality disorder is?"
 I so almost told him about borderline personality, but  I didn't. I just said, "I don't know. What do you think?"
He says, "I know what it is. I just get really offended about things. And it comes from my fear of not being in control."

 He went on to talk about how it's hard for him to form friendships because he doesn't want to let people get too close. But he is more than willing to let people share private things with him. And he said that he has a tendency to use those things against them later.

 I was completely taken aback  at his level of self-awareness of his own behavior.

[waverider]

You dont have to go the whole Borderline revelation, but rather say he appears to be very emotionally reactive. That is talk about the trait that is causing issues in the moment. That is the only one he will care about at the time

It is much easier for someone to come to terms with borderline when they have learned to accept some of the traits individually, and less threateningly. That way it can be a relief to tie them all together eventually.

Awareness comes in drips.