Hello everyone

[loretta1977]

Hello everyone,

I've just registered on this website and would love to get to know others who are going through the same thing I am.

My husband and I have been together for 16 years now but we have only just discovered that he suffers from BPD last week. Our relationship has been up and down over the years and I've asked him many times to get help with his anger issues, never in a million years thinking it was anything more than that.

Over the last 2 years, I've been doing a lot of personal development and coming to terms with my childhood past to get to grips with anorexia... .and in this process I have become a stronger, more confident person. This has made me realize that I've allowed my husband to not just express his anger in the ways that he does... .but I've allowed him to walk all over me, manipulate, and basically just treat me horribly at times. I've ALWAYS thought it was my fault, so have walked on eggshells as long as I can remember. I've lived filled with anxiety at the thought of him coming home from work... .what mood is he in... .am I wearing the 'right' clothing... .is the house clean enough... .etc... .

Finding about BPD has both comforted me and horrified me... .at least I know that I'm not crazy and that our relationship is NOT normal... .but also so scared about what this means for our future.

I do feel awful for him that he has the this horrible affliction, his brain is in a constant 'tortured' state... .and he is willing to seek help... .but because I have now put my foot down and explained that there are certain behaviours I just will not tolerate, his BPD has escalated to such a scary degree. One minute he is wanting a divorce, the next he is checking my phone to see if I've messaged another man. One minute he hates me, it's all my fault, he's so much better without me... .and the next he is worshipping the ground I walk on, full of compliments, etc... .I'm living in a constantly confused state right now, and feeling so emotional. All of my friends have mentioned that I'm not myself. I'm exhausted. One little conversation can turn into a 3 hour argument, and this is on a daily basis. If my attention isn't 100% concentrated on him, he immediately detaches his emotions but then comes looking for an argument.

My life is on hold. I can't seem to get on with anything... .housework, children, my own business... .because life revolves around his emotions and it's so exhausting going through the process of the never-ending conversations that I feel constantly drained of all energy.

We have 6 children to think about who I constantly try to protect from the situation but it's so hard. I love my husband, and like I said, I really feel for him! But I can't help thinking that it would be better for us to not be together. Although I know that a person with BPD has abandonment issues and so I have reassured him that I will not be going anywhere but he has GOT to seek help. However, I am SO claustrophobic. I dread him walking into whatever room I'm in, my heart just sinks because I cannot cope with yet another accusation or argument.

Wow, that was quite a vent. Thank you if you've got this far. Looking forward to getting to know you and your stories. I'm both scared and relieved to be part of this forum!

Xx Natasha

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[toomanydogs]

Hi Natasha,
 I'm also married to a man with probable BPD (current diagnosis--schizoaffective disorder with personality disorder not otherwise specified but with a great deal of BPD and NPD) and have been for ten years.
 I love this man, and I am only now learning to detach from that chronic anxiety you mention about his possibly walking in on you. I am also learning--and this is really really hard for me--to let him rise or fall by his own actions. I'm learning this with the help of a terrific counselor/coach, whom I've been working with since 2010.
  There are a lot of reasons for you to stay with your husband-- six kids, for one. I am not in the exact same situation as you, but I do understand staying.
  I will say that with a lot of work on myself and learning not to engage with the BPD aspects of his personality and learning not to JADE (hard), my life has gotten significantly better. I have a few friends with whom I share the less appealing parts of my life, and I share everything with my coach.
  I cannot tell you how best to cope with your situation. I can, however, tell you that my emotional situation is so much better than it was in 2010, that it amazes me. He hasn't changed. I have. However, my changing does have the effect of reducing the time and energy he spends attempting to draw me into the chaos he creates.
  I do need to reiterate: this isn't easy. My not engaging requires that I check in with myself sometimes hourly, check to see if my stomach is in knots, whether I'm anticipating he'll start sending me hate emails, and all the other stuff he does.
  Last weekend, I got pulled in when he disappeared on me (he has a neurological problem and it is scary not to know where he is). Without going into the details, because it's really complicated, let me tell you, he played me. He wanted me to be upset. He wanted to get in touch with his psychiatrist. He wanted me to think his cats had disappeared. He played me.
  What I am now working on is disengaging, and that is extremely difficult because the stakes are so high: he could kill himself intentionally or accidentally. Knowing that and knowing that I still have to disengage requires emotional stability that I've been able to achieve only with the help of a few trusted friends and family members and my coach. But it definitely can be done.
  Good luck.
TooManyDogs

[Mutt]

Hi loretta1977,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time at home and at work . I'm glad that you deicded to join us, it helps to talk to others that can relate with you, you're not alone. Juggling the kids and work has to be tough to start with, I can't imagine how it would be like with a pwBPD.

I'm also glad that you have friends that you keep in touch with, take really good care of ourselves helps us to not burn the proverbial candel at both ends, it's very important when you have a pwBPD to seperate yourself from his emotions as you say and find some me time and do things that you enjoy. What do you for self care?

but because I have now put my foot down and explained that there are certain behaviours I just will not tolerate, his BPD has escalated to such a scary degree

I do need to reiterate: this isn't easy. My not engaging requires that I check in with myself sometimes hourly,

They have a saying this in AA to take it one step further and take it one hour at a time if you need to.

but because I have now put my foot down and explained that there are certain behaviours I just will not tolerate, his BPD has escalated to such a scary degree.

I can relate with this, it will get better and it's horrible in the beginning. Many of us had no boundaries with our pwBPD to floating boundaries at best. A pwBPD have little to no boundaries on themselves and have a hard time understand the concept of boundaries.

Right now he's lashing out because you either didn't have boundaries or they were floating boundaries, he's not used to it. If you keep defending them, eventually he'll get it and he'll no that whatever he does, he's not going to get his way. There are limits though, are you scared that he's going to get out of hand when you say scary? Do you think that he could become violent?