Shocked at how much hearing "She Has a New Boyfriend" hit me

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I thought I was feeling in a space where I really didn't want to be with her anymore. And honestly, I really don't. My uBPDex fiancee treated me worse than anybody else ever has in the world, even began getting physically violent near the end, and I was horrified at the path things might take, and that she didn't seem to be getting the kind of help she would need to be safe to live with emotionally, and possibly even physically. I've never met anyone like her.

But somehow, she also made me feel the most amazing I ever have in my entire life when things were good. Not just good, GREAT. Sweet, caring, thoughtful, generous, loving, expressive, the list goes on. I've never met anyone like her.

We split for the first time just over two months ago, and then tried to make things work until around one month ago.

Even though she's been blocked through all avenues in order to keep me sane and feel safe from harassing and abusive phone calls and messages, a friend brought it to my attention in conversation that she has a new person who she calls her boyfriend.

I thought I was over her. Clearly, for whatever reason, this new information bothers me.

Has anybody else been kicked in the stomach like this when they thought everything was feeling all right?

[Owen]

I thought I was feeling in a space where I really didn't want to be with her anymore. And honestly, I really don't. My uBPDex fiancee treated me worse than anybody else ever has in the world, even began getting physically violent near the end, and I was horrified at the path things might take, and that she didn't seem to be getting the kind of help she would need to be safe to live with emotionally, and possibly even physically. I've never met anyone like her.

But somehow, she also made me feel the most amazing I ever have in my entire life when things were good. Not just good, GREAT. Sweet, caring, thoughtful, generous, loving, expressive, the list goes on. I've never met anyone like her.

We split for the first time just over two months ago, and then tried to make things work until around one month ago.

Even though she's been blocked through all avenues in order to keep me sane and feel safe from harassing and abusive phone calls and messages, a friend brought it to my attention in conversation that she has a new person who she calls her boyfriend.

I thought I was over her. Clearly, for whatever reason, this new information bothers me.

Has anybody else been kicked in the stomach like this when they thought everything was feeling all right?

[enlighten me]

The first time it hurt. After that it got better. I'm now 3 years out and she is on her fourth or fifth long(ish) term relationship and in all honesty I look forward to her being in one as she leaves me alone and doesn't snipe at me when I have my son.

[bunny4523]

Hi Owen,

I can relate.  I think it's just confusing to understand how easy it is for them to move on after they told us over and over again how special and unique we were.  Yet they turn around and find someone that "special" in a blink of an eye.  Try to remember it's their perspective, it's a pattern and a illusion. (delusion)  and try not to think about it too much... .focus on you, your life and healing.  Her "happiness" doesn't make you any less happy.  You didn't want that relationship.  

I think maybe when they move on and if the relationship lasts... .we have an incling of doubt enter our thought process of "maybe it was me."  It wasn't YOU... .it was the disorder.

Hang tough and rememeber you don't want that relationship anymore PERIOD.

Bunny

[IsThisThingOn]

Hi Owen,

That kicked in the stomach feeling is one I know well. I was also engaged to my ex so that very first replacement (mind you, it only took 4 days for a date with someone and 9 for her to be attached to someone... no title... but certainly attached) was a huge kick to the stomach.

I had to remind myself, after the anger and hurt had subsided enough for me to think calmly and rationally, that she is someone who needs the attention and companionship of someone. Sitting alone means "sitting with herself" which means... .dealing with all the feelings, the emotions of what has happened... .NOO WAY that was going to happen.

She's now on her 3rd replacement (possibly 2nd and 3rd at the same time) and I've slowly but surely stopped caring. For the most part at least. I'm still in a place where I love her with all of my heart and care for her deeply. But, I also understand that replacing the way she did is another awful side effect of BPD.  My ex-fiancee has been GO GO GO since the day we broke up. So much so that it's clear she is leaving ZERO room to actually let any of it hit her enough to maybe, just maybe, bring her down from this roller-coaster and allow her to think in a more rational mind.  She's extremely high-functioning. She knows if she STOPS it all comes crashing down like a ton of bricks.

In the meantime, I've made it clear from people I dont want to know. I've stopped checking to see if she's sprinkling crumbs for me to find in regards to what shes been doing (she loves sprinkling little breadcrumb trails) and I've decided to start focusing on making sure I am doing A-Okay.

In this case, I find ignorance truly is bliss.

[bunny4523]

The first time it hurt. After that it got better. I'm now 3 years out and she is on her fourth or fifth long(ish) term relationship and in all honesty I look forward to her being in one as she leaves me alone and doesn't snipe at me when I have my son.

I'm sure that does help when relationship after relationship fails... .re-affirms what you know.  I think it's more confusing if they stay in the relationship for a long period of time.  

My ex just got married so it's nice because he is distracted and leaving me alone.  I'm hoping maybe now he has shifted his obsession but there is still a part of me that worries it will start up again.  Just trying to enjoy the calm.

Bunny

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Owen, This may sound weird, but I suggest you be grateful, because now she's the new guy's problem, not yours.  It won't be long before she treats him the way she treated you, I predict.  For a pwBPD, intimacy leads to greater turmoil as well as abuse.

LuckyJim

[Owen]

(I hope this isn't a repost, I seemed to have a problem with my version version of this message uploading to the site properly).

Thank you guys for the responses. It really feels good to be in such an open community where we can share our experiences, and I know it's been a major help to me to get to hear all the different perspectives about all of this kind of stuff.

What's odd for me, is how I'm not wanting to be with her at all anymore - I certainly did want to make things work after our initial split, and over the period of time immediately succeeding. But as I slowly was painted even darker black, and it became evident that no matter what I did, things wouldn't be able to work out between us. Going back and forth between the "love" and the "hate" over that time made it hard to disconnect until things really got nasty.

I think what's hard for me, is the knowledge that I was completely "in". I gave every single part of my heart to somebody, and fell madly in love with a wonderful woman who was supportive, kind, loving, and really made me feel special, and that being WITH her was special.

Now that things are as they are, I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that it appears I really fell in love with a symptom of BPD. Did I ever really know this person? Did she ever really love me in the way that I define love? The way I feel it? Or was I simply a placeholder for some hole inside her soul. We were going to be married for crying out loud.

Coming to terms with the fact that, if she can move on so quickly, after only a month ago being reminded that I was the "love of her life" and that now, she's "glad" things turned out the way they did, and that she couldn't have wished for anything more than to be "saved" from the "sad life" of being with me... .

It just makes me wonder. Who did I love? Did I even love a person? If I'd never felt that way before, as a man in his thirties, how could I be so blindsided by the discard and the abuse and the venom that was really there all along, if only I were open enough to see it, and not blinded by the contrasting wonderfulness that always came shortly thereafter. I never thought to end things until it got so bad, that I really had no choice, for my emotional - and potentially physical - safety.

I hate that while I have such fond positive memories of the good times, that to her, I am simply another of the many she's dated and discarded in the past. That the love I thought we were cultivating ultimately meant so little to her, and that she can move on so quickly and with such disregard for WHY things ended the way they did and what SHE needs to do to heal from it.

I can't believe that she's doing all right. But I also can't stand that she believes she is, and that in her mind, I wasn't worth planning a future with anymore.

It feels unbelievably uncomfortable and tragic that from my side, our relationship, and she, was special, but from her side, ultimately, our relationship, and I, was not.

That's the feeling I'm sitting with and I'm having trouble wrapping my head around it all.

Thanks for all of your support and feedback. This is really helping, even though it's a slow process for me to feel 100% myself again. It's hard when the last time I felt "myself" was with her, and with what I believed was her undying love, and that I could share that with her and grow with her and work together as a team to be the best people we could be, by the other's side.

I'm really just rambling now. But it's helping me to spit it all out. Thanks everybody.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Owen,

Your story is so poignant to me.  Some of your words sound like my own... .Specifically these:

I think what's hard for me, is the knowledge that I was completely "in". I gave every single part of my heart to somebody, and fell madly in love with a wonderful woman who was supportive, kind, loving, and really made me feel special, and that being WITH her was special.

This really touched me as it's what I told my counsellor during the relationship.  That for the first time in my life I'd held nothing back of myself, which had always been a difficult thing for me to do.  In any other relationship I somehow held back at least a portion of myself as a self preservation measure I guess.  I'd never truly leapt in this way.

I have a slant for you which is something I've picked up on my own journey through this, from reading various articles on the site and from other members' posts.  The theme reoccurs and it struck a chord in me which gave me hope for myself and my own growth.

It just makes me wonder. Who did I love?

In the honeymoon stage a pwBPD is mirroring us.  They are showing us an image of ourselves, fitting in with our character, our passions, our personalities.  This is an attempt to fill themselves - the internal emptiness they feel - and to create the bond that they so crave, whilst avoiding abandonment by matching their partner on a profound level.  So who you fell in love with was YOURSELF.  I've always been really awful at self love and this revelation gave me hope that I can actually find it in myself to appreciate the things about me that are great, in fact.  I can learn to love myself and in doing so that will help me to alter some of my own dysfunctional behaviours - the things that get me into and keep me in relationships like the one with my exBPDbf for example.  To be happy in myself, about myself, and to give myself the same effort, energy and devotion that I gave to us.

It's hard when the last time I felt "myself" was with her, and with what I believed was her undying love, and that I could share that with her and grow with her and work together as a team to be the best people we could be, by the other's side.

I hear you on this.  Owen, I was in the same place.  Now it is up to us to dust ourselves off and to continue on that journey of being the best we can be with the same strength in ourselves that we derived from the relationship.  Have you taken steps just for you now to look at your own growth following the breakup?  What self care are you doing to help you through this process?

Love and light x  

[Owen]

 Now it is up to us to dust ourselves off and to continue on that journey of being the best we can be with the same strength in ourselves that we derived from the relationship.  Have you taken steps just for you now to look at your own growth following the breakup?  What self care are you doing to help you through this process?

Thank you Harley. As much as I hate that my story rings so true to you, for your sake, it does feel nice to know I'm not alone.

In terms of taking steps for myself, one benefit is that I've used this opportunity to re-establish old friends and relationships with my family. It's been such a whirlwind and I feel like what I've taken from it all, mainly, is that relationships mean so much, and love means so much, and I don't feel like it's a finite resource. So I've used this need of space to reconnect with old friends and more distant family members, and I've been astounded at how much love I got back and how nice it was to get to spend time with people who hadn't really been living in my circle for a while. And I really like that.

I've also been seeing a therapist to talk through things for the last couple of months, and they have been extremely helpful too. And obviously, I've been reading an awful lot about BPD and that's been helping me realize the core of so much of this pain I'm feeling wasn't really "my fault", even though I was perhaps an immediate catalyst for the downfall of the BPD relationship.

I've been reading about CBT as well and am hoping that can help me reframe my mindset and see things exactly as they are, and allow me to be a little less overwhelmed by all of it.

Are there any things or resources that you'd recommend that have helped you?

[Harley Quinn]

Thank you Harley. As much as I hate that my story rings so true to you, for your sake, it does feel nice to know I'm not alone.

In terms of taking steps for myself, one benefit is that I've used this opportunity to re-establish old friends and relationships with my family. It's been such a whirlwind and I feel like what I've taken from it all, mainly, is that relationships mean so much, and love means so much, and I don't feel like it's a finite resource. So I've used this need of space to reconnect with old friends and more distant family members, and I've been astounded at how much love I got back and how nice it was to get to spend time with people who hadn't really been living in my circle for a while. And I really like that.

I've also been seeing a therapist to talk through things for the last couple of months, and they have been extremely helpful too. And obviously, I've been reading an awful lot about BPD and that's been helping me realize the core of so much of this pain I'm feeling wasn't really "my fault", even though I was perhaps an immediate catalyst for the downfall of the BPD relationship.

I've been reading about CBT as well and am hoping that can help me reframe my mindset and see things exactly as they are, and allow me to be a little less overwhelmed by all of it.

Are there any things or resources that you'd recommend that have helped you?

Hi Owen,

You are doing some really great things here.  I too found that it was an amazing feeling to reconnect with people who had taken a back seat or from whom I'd distanced myself during the r/s.  I'm so glad you're finding fulfilment from this.  That support network and love is really valuable to your healing.  You are also right to learn all you can.  I believe knowledge is power.  It gives us opportunity to fill in the blanks and make sense of the things that have seemed such a mystery and so confusing to us whilst immersed in the dramas.  Speaking to a therapist will prove really beneficial too, as you're finding.  Good news that you have this in place. 

I'm in the process of doing a 12 week CBT based recovery programme for the domestic abuse I suffered and this is an enormous help to me at the moment.  Have also taken a refresher course in mindfulness, which I've practiced for years (yet is one of the many things I dropped when things became overwhelming in the r/s) and this has been really helpful too in getting me more centred and able to handle my emotions. 

Regards resources, there is so much at our fingertips on this site alone that it's a great place to start on the detaching and healing journey.  Have you taken a look at all of the articles, lessons and tools available?  Self assessment and self awareness is a fantastic place to progress to when we're ready. 

Some of my best aha moments have been about the role I adopt within the Karpman Drama Triangle (and how to change that), learning more about codependency, and all of the articles within the surviving a failed romantic relationship section of Insights.  Of course, understanding my ex further has given me a sense of clarity around the r/s and it's demise.  A couple of my favourites to recommend as 'starting points' are these: (apologies if you've already seen them, yet I often re read as they help me to stay forwards focused)

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

I hope you find these useful if they are new to you.  Let me know if you need direction to anything else I've mentioned.  Two books I purchased during the r/s that I found helpful were Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (Manning) and The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder (Kreger).  The first gives good advice on communicating effectively and helping to reduce emotional dysregulation (helpful when we interact with anyone who is emotionally sensitive really), whilst the second made me take a good long hard look at myself and my role in the r/s. 

Is there anything you've found particularly helpful for yourself that you'd like to share?  We can all benefit from one another's great finds.

Love and light x

 

[enlighten me]

One of the hardest things about a BPD break up is coming to terms with the fact that the wonderful person we fell in love with is also the monster who nearly drove us insane and made us feel lower than anyone has ever done. We try to differentiate the two but they are one person.

We end up romanticising about the good times and minimising the bad.

[Lucky Jim]

Nicely put, enlighten me!  I struggle with this dichotomy.  On one hand is my former spouse, the person I loved, and on the other is BPD, the terrible disorder that ruined our marriage.  As you note, we can try to separate the strands but at the end of the day it's impossible to differentiate the person from the disorder.

LuckyJim

[Emotions]

I keep going through this dichotomy as well... .I have faith that my brain will start to detach from this at some point... .I am so excited for that day!

[enlighten me]

Hi LuckyJim

Another thing to come to terms with is that the wonderful side is as much a part of the disorder as the terrible side. If they didn't have the disorder they wouldn't be as fun and as exciting as they where. The idolisation that hooked us would not have existed.

Remove the disorder and you lose the good and bad and end up with a middle ground.

[Owen]

Is there anything you've found particularly helpful for yourself that you'd like to share?  We can all benefit from one another's great finds.

Thank you so much for sharing all of that Harley. I've read the articles before but will surely do it again. I've also found re-reading has been helpful for me.

A lot of the sites and articles I've read, I can't remember the name of to be honest! Random searches took me there. One thing that I do remember, is that Shari Shreiber's articles have been interesting: www.gettinbetter.com/articles.html

I don't really appreciate her abrasive tone, and she does seem to be rather judgmental toward the pwBPD, but they almost read like a friend was talking to me without holding anything back. I took from them what I could.

We end up romanticising about the good times and minimising the bad.

Enlighten me, this is something I'm definitely doing, and definitely trying to stop doing. I hope to get to a point where I see the entire situation and relationship for exactly what it was, good AND bad, and get to a point where my feelings say that the bad, did make me want to leave, regardless of how good the good was.

Getting to a place where I feel like that every day is exactly what I want to do... .


Mod note: Shari Schrieber Review and Reputation: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273738.0

[Owen]

Very intersting regarding the mod's link about Shreiber. Definitely taking that into account and reassessing her words, which do seem to make sense in light of that new information. Thank you.

[Owen]

Hi LuckyJim

Another thing to come to terms with is that the wonderful side is as much a part of the disorder as the terrible side. If they didn't have the disorder they wouldn't be as fun and as exciting as they where. The idolisation that hooked us would not have existed.

Remove the disorder and you lose the good and bad and end up with a middle ground.

This is a major thing that's hard to internalize. This version of her without the good and the bad, this middle ground version of her, is something that is hard to picture since I've never seen it.

Are there any things you've done to come to terms with this beyond simply letting time pass? I want to get to a point where I truly believe this, but I know that deep down, I'm still feeling like that "good" and wonderful version is who she really is, and that the "bad" and abusive version is the aberration.

[enlighten me]

Hi Owen

I have a son with my ex so I interact with her quite a bit.

The other day we had a thing with our son that we both attended. She suggested I drive to hers and we go together which I agreed to. It was odd spending a couple of hours with her as the old feelings of being on my guard started to come back. I managed to shake them off when I reminded myself that I no longer cared what she thought about me. Its these constant reminders that keep me from wanting her back.

One thing that I used to do when I thought about what if was think of tomato ketchup. It may sound an odd thing but I cant stand the stuff and my exgf used to use it in her cooking. By associating something that Ive never liked and never will with her it helped me to not want to go back.

As for what Ive done to come to terms with it well I found an explanation for BPD that works for me. It may not be the real reason for it but its what I'm comfortable with and has helped me let go of any hope of her getting better.

[Lucky Jim]

Another thing to come to terms with is that the wonderful side is as much a part of the disorder as the terrible side.

Great point, enlighten me.  Like Owen, I tend to idealize the wonderful side as the "normal" part of her personality, yet it's not really like that, as you note.

I'm in a new r/s with a kind woman in the "middle ground" and it makes for a much healthier dynamic.  I'm a lot happier without all the drama.  Maybe that's something you can look forward to, Owen, at some point in the future.  Not now, I understand.

LuckyJim

[Emotions]

I hate ketchup, that is a great symbol for me too! I will try to remember this when I'm ruminating, and it will make me smile most people love ketchup however