Owning their BPD

[Me-Time]

I realize that I've spent way too many hours trying to help my BPD partner recognize her issue. If she would only acknowledge it, she might get help for it and then possibly we wouldn't be in such a disastrous relationship. I do own my part - I'm pretty insightful and aware of my shortcomings. But the crux of our problems has been her issues with what to me appears very clearly to be BPD. I've handled this the best I can, honestly, I've been so patient. But she just can not see what she is doing. I know that's part of it. But for those who have been willing to "put a label on it" (not for the sake of a label, but to get help), what got them there? How did they come to terms with the fact that they've got BPD? Ive heard that many fight this diagnosis tooth and nail (who wouldn't?), but how is that some have recognized it in themselves?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Me-Time,



Let's set the disorder aside because the disorder doesn't define someone and take a look at self awareness, I know some people in real life ( family ) that aren't very self aware and I've been told by a T that I'm really self aware. It takes the ability to be able to feel comfortable with stopping and just listening to your thoughts. People that aren't really self aware like I mentioned earlier aren't really comfortable with stopping with the silence and thoughts, they tend to keep moving, as a society we measure the level of success with how many things that we've done, so you keep doing as much as much as you can.

Then there's motivation with wanting to improve and some people are scared of change or the level of work and commitment that it takes, changing your personality is not easy it takes a lot of work. From what you described in your post, it doesn't sound like she's very self aware.

[Me-Time]

Mutt,
You make a good point. What has been confusing is that she will talk about how "messed up" she is and how she knows she sabotages relationships. But that insight is often when she is trying to beg me back into the relationship. I think she knows what I want to hear. And I have mistaken that for insight. And then I've wondered, with that insight, why can't she see what is happening? Doesn't she want to get help? I made the mistake of mentioning BPD to her. I thought she was self-aware enough to hear it. Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Made it worse. She ran to her therapist and told her what I suggested and got "verification" that she does most certainly not have BPD. Not in any way. (She tells her stories from her very skewed perceptions of reality). It makes me very sad to know that she had someone in her life who loved her and could have helped her turn her life in a completely different direction, but she rejected it. But I guess everyone has their own destiny to live out.

[Love Healing]

I have gotten a little further than you, but still its a struggle to keep my BPD fiancé in the acceptance of it.  BUT, actually, for many reasons that keep coming up to get him scared, I have to keep in mind HE DOES KNOW HE HAS IT, and just says he doesn't because he is still having issues surrounding it.  So many times he backs out of acknowledging the BPD, gets mad about my saying it, etc, only later for him to say he does know and he wants to fix everything.

Anyways, how I got him to admit it?... .First I talked about things I heard in online lectures to explain the experience of a BPD person, vs. other.  That got his attention! 

Then, I showed him videos online from people who were in recovery, put music and images together with words to describe how they feel.  There are BPD playlists... .really good!  I had never seen him so focused or quiet watching these videos!  I think that was the biggy that got him!  He feels exactly like these people!

Then finally, he keeps getting stuck on the ideas of being "sick" and I say it is a condition that happened to him that is not his fault.  All his behaviors he knows, now we need to take the pressure of him in identifying himself with those behaviors, and the understanding of this "condition" that happened to him can give him a break from it.  I told him he needs a support group, so we can do the work for him, and he can follow along.  We love him and want to help him out of this, and that is why we need the support group.  Acknowledging the condition just helps us get what we need from the people around us, and will make everything easier for him in the problems he already has. 

Also, when it comes to doing some therapy, or interacting with support groups we are making, sometimes he will deny it again.  When that happens, I just say, ok, I see you are not ready for this right now.  We don't have to do anything right now, just whenever you are ready.  (Although that keeps him in acknowledgement, he sure seems to be taking his time to do what we have to do... .that's where we are getting stuck... .on the follow through.

If you look at my post (No support in Thailand) I wrote a letter to clear things up in our small community.  Its filled with the same "acceptance" techniques I used on my fiancé, also for our friends and family.  Maybe read that so you can see how I approached it.

Basically I felt like I had to "sell" him on the BPD idea.  I use the letters too sometimes with him because there is no "emotional charge" with the letters... .plus "condition" is what I say.  Also, I get him to understand things he experiences when I talk about BPD things I learn, and the videos helped a lot.  Anything that he can identify with that has a BPD label on it helps with the "sale"!