Love to , Love to family, Love to partner... (all the same?)

[Gumiho]

Love to God, Love to family, Love to partner, uBPDGF thinks it's all the same.

How to properly counter this?

I tried to explain about Eros, Philia and Agape. As we all know love has different faces!

Yet uBPDgf asked me "do you want to win?" (she can never lose)

I replied that there was nothing to win about, as those are facts, and sent her the link to above wiki article.

A few mins later she told me to go to hell.

How to handle this? I'm speechless


Gumiho

EDIT: title changed

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

These three types of love are pretty high concepts. Is she capable of understanding the difference? In what context are you talking about these ideas?

It sounds like she thought you were just trying to one up her. Without the context though it's hard to determine. A comment that says, "There's nothing to win about... ." could be seen as invalidating. It's taking what she is feeling and says, "That's not true. Here is true."

Here's our workshop on not being invalidating. I've found that I frequently invalidate by accident. I"m just trying to share my thoughts and in doing so, it dismisses my H's.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

[Gumiho]

Hi TH, thank you

These three types of love are pretty high concepts. Is she capable of understanding the difference?

She sure is a very smart fellow and got a master degree, she can understand difficult concepts perfectly. If she wants to.

But I would rather say these concepts are a quite basic matter.

In what context are you talking about these ideas?

She told me I loved her too much, and that I needed to love god more than her.
I concurred that this is a different kind of love, when she started to claim that it's "all the same".

Yes of course I invalidated her, it's very hard not to, althogh applying SET, when explaining (T), that her mother doesn't love her the same way I do, I must have been carried away and changed my tone, which caused her to blurt out "oh so boring, why are you so nervous, I want to hang up, I need to sleep". That's probably what caused her to trigger.

This is such a basic trivial topic to me, and I gave her examples to understand, I have to think she doesn't-want- to admit she was wrong. (locking up like a pouting three year old). Although what she basically wanted to communicate was that I loved her "too much", (which is utter bs - we haven't even met once in a month, haven't mentioned that tho... .I'm not out to invalidate her on purpose), I get triggered too, I controlled it pretty well and calmly proceeded with explaining when she started to whine.

Ultimately I hung up cause she kept whining about wanting to sleep, so I let her.
I sent her grabbable proof about the different concepts of love in form of a wikipedia article after the call and said that there's nothing to win about.

Yes of course that is invalidating in some sense, it's hard not to do so, on such basic topics. And inevitably requires JADE's E(xplaining). And that's the question how to teach a pwBPD, without invalidating (not to mention explaining) at some point, if the content is highly emotional to you, while you're (possible) triggered too?

It was accidential invalidation, right, but how could I not have done so, I still can't see after sleeping 6 hours.

Sheesh I love her "too much", what nonsense.

[Pedro]

Its hard not to keep your feelings in check. Trying to explain the 3 different contexts of love, will have come across as invalidating even though your weren't, & then JADEing will reaffirm that.
It's tough fella, keep reading & learning multiple times, not an easy road you are driving on.
Good luck

[Gumiho]

Hi Pedro~

Thanks
Yes it sure is a tough road, and I just started taking the right path, which is a thin and slippery line.
She however, is still angry, hardly ever replies and maybe called three times in the past month (nothing compared to the ten or more times she daily used to call)... and I'm still blocked. I just carry on with my life while waiting for her to eventually snap out of it, there's no reasoning with her anyways, unless she wants to talk about it (in form of cussing at me), or wants me to do something (run an errand).
It's like I am virtually inexistant to her... .sad.
I just leave her be until she thinks the "punishment" is sufficient and sometimes remind her that I'm still here.

Gumiho

[Notwendy]

Gumiho,

This is an interesting topic to discuss, but I think in context- it came across as JADE- because it was in response to her statement:

"You love me too much---"

Had it been a philosophic discussion_ "hey, I read this and it sounds interesting... " and  not in response to her statement about you it may have been received differently.

First- it is invalidating to anyone to be told what they feel and her statement could feel invalidating to you. This can lead us to JADE but JADE isn't very effective in the moment. "You love me too much" is her impression- it doesn't have to be true, but this is how she stated it. Boundaries mean two people don't have to share the same opinion.

A non-invalidating, non-JADE response might have been- " that's interesting- can you tell me more about how you see this?"

Loving someone "too much" may mean they feel overwhelmed by the situation, or anything, but it could help if she could tell you why she feels that way.

The " do you want to win" might be because you believe you are right- that the love of all these things are different. You may very well be right, but if you are right, she then is wrong.  However, if you acknowledged that she feels what feels, it might give you some insight as to why she said that.

[Gumiho]

Hi NW,

Thanks, that's exactly right~
I'll try bringing it up next time we're talking because I wondered the same, why she'd (still) say that.

I have been smothering her, yes, but that's almost a year ago. I did that until she stopped enjoying by telling me the same words, that I loved her too much. (I never agreed on that, since gave her all the space she wanted, back then and now) ... .in hindsight I might have been trying to fill up the void she tore up by withholding after split xx, subconsciously, I can't tell. But of course I followed suit when she pointed it out.

So I felt invalidated twice in a row (I love her too much & saying it's all the same), maybe that's I couldn't keep the JADEing down in the end.

But of course I've been forcing my view on her, which turn invalidated her... .I should not do that. With my SO I can sometimes calmly talk about topics we have different views in without it escalating, and sometimes she flips her switch instantly, and replies annoyed/nervous, which I'd mirror back. That's the point to break those circular arguments, before they get circular at all. But it sure is hard to stay on track when she's starting to throw a tantrum in a split second. And the line between what invalidates/triggers her and which doesn't is very thin.
If that can be avoided by the way I bring it up, I have to learn it.


Gumiho

[Gumiho]

We had a quite good talk a while ago.

UBPDgf said she "doesn't know" why she said that I loved her "too much".

I guess it's her partial amnesia when she's dissociating. I dropped the subject. There's no point in dragging it on.

There's never a single boring day with her.


Gumiho