Disappointed about no response

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was really disappointed not to have a reply from anyone  and I ve set out my post again below. Hopefully some of you could reply



Hi. This relates to my wife of over 40 years. She has over the years had some psychological problems - in her late teens she was prescribed with anti-depressants and then got off them. She used to be quite bubbly and easy going though. Just before our older daughter got married 14 years ago she started in therapy on and off  and then 9 years ago (a week after her mother died) i contracted a life threatening illness and very quickly after being in hospital for a day or so I was given a 5% chance of pulling through. I was in hospital for 8 weeks and although I pulled through, I lost an arm. Ive coped very well but she was diagnosed as having post traumatic stress disorder by a top psychiatrist. She had therapy for this for maybe 4 years and prides herself on the fact that she hasnt gone back to the therapist though she sometimes talks about it i think she would regard it as a "defeat" to go back for more counselling. so that's the background.

As regards the symptoms. I had never heard about BPD until a couple of months ago, when i googled "living on eggshells" for some reason. As soon as I saw a summary of the typical traits of a BPD sufferer, it seemed to fit my wife to a tee. Some examples:

- she flies into rages for indescribably petty reasons
- she is incredibly obsessive. An example is -- my elderly father lives with us - he has for 10 months now, and while I totally accept that it is intrusive and he has some less than perfect ways, if his chair is moved 4 inches away from the wall, or  he leaves some food or doesnt notice that shes wearing a new dress. She will complain to me about for hours on end. If we go out afterwards for a drink and a meal, for the following 3 hours at least 50% of the conversation will be about the "incident". She tries to be out as much as possible so she doesnt have to be with him
- She has also over the years become obsessively tidy
- she doesnt understand other peoples relationships - like she might criticise our children's partners to our children without realising the children's loyalties to them. Equally she doesnt understand my loyalties to my father. She will say things like  "hes not very bright", "hes really stupid" "hes dirty" "hes got no common sense", but at the same time she is good to him but completely overvalues the fairly minor things she does for him
- she thinks she is the busiest person in the world, but the reality is the complete opposite
- She suffers totally from black and white thinking, there is no in-between. Things are either good or (more often, these days) really awful
- She never values other peoples opinions - she thinks she is always right. For almost 30 years she has been convinced I had an affair with someone who worked for me (which I didnt) and even now, very occasionally she will ask me about it and I will say no - nothing happened and she will say for maybe the 1000th time "well I think it did"
- She often drinks quite heavily - to excess so that her speech can get slurred. She might drink too much maybe 4 days a week 
- She often doesnt listen in conversations and interrupts people and asks them questions theyve answered 5 minutes  earlier
- Her conversation focuses on her rather than the person she stalking to. An example: someone says "ive just had my hair done" - my wife will say - "I had mine done last week"
- She is very self obsessed. My father is getting new hearing aids next week which will enable him to hear much better. She is not very happy about this because she will need to be more careful about speaking about him under her breath. My children find this appallingly self centred
- When I was in hospital, she spoke about wanting to drive the car into a brick wall. The only time since then self harm has been an issue is once a couple of years ago she scratched her arms till they bled and carried on while in a rage
- I never know which one of her im going to wake up to - the happy one , the ocassionally apologetic one or the deeply miserable one
- 90% of our conversation is about her. She rarely asks or shows interest in my work
- I believe her mother had this too.
- She had a very dysfunctional upbringing. For both parents it was a volatile second marriage, and my wife's father used to put her down a lot for being less bright than her younger sister, calling her for example "a blithering idiot". The biggest insult you could direct at my wife now is to call her stupid
- My children have the same issues with her - every single argument there has ever been in the family has involved her

So that is a longer than expected summary. I know that its horrible being my wife sometimes but it's becoming bad being me too and I really dont know what to do about it. Weve move house recently to move near our children and grandchildren which is lovely but there is a big but... .I dont see that leaving is an option, but I think thats less about love than other issues like convenience, family, my father etc.

Any advice or suggestions would be very welcome.

Also any thoughts as to whether Im right about thinking that it is BPD that she has would be very welcome too. many thanks

[PapaUk100]

I was really disappointed not to have a reply from anyone  and I ve set out my post again below. Hopefully some of you could reply



Hi. This relates to my wife of over 40 years. She has over the years had some psychological problems - in her late teens she was prescribed with anti-depressants and then got off them. She used to be quite bubbly and easy going though. Just before our older daughter got married 14 years ago she started in therapy on and off  and then 9 years ago (a week after her mother died) i contracted a life threatening illness and very quickly after being in hospital for a day or so I was given a 5% chance of pulling through. I was in hospital for 8 weeks and although I pulled through, I lost an arm. Ive coped very well but she was diagnosed as having post traumatic stress disorder by a top psychiatrist. She had therapy for this for maybe 4 years and prides herself on the fact that she hasnt gone back to the therapist though she sometimes talks about it i think she would regard it as a "defeat" to go back for more counselling. so that's the background.

As regards the symptoms. I had never heard about BPD until a couple of months ago, when i googled "living on eggshells" for some reason. As soon as I saw a summary of the typical traits of a BPD sufferer, it seemed to fit my wife to a tee. Some examples:

- she flies into rages for indescribably petty reasons
- she is incredibly obsessive. An example is -- my elderly father lives with us - he has for 10 months now, and while I totally accept that it is intrusive and he has some less than perfect ways, if his chair is moved 4 inches away from the wall, or  he leaves some food or doesnt notice that shes wearing a new dress. She will complain to me about for hours on end. If we go out afterwards for a drink and a meal, for the following 3 hours at least 50% of the conversation will be about the "incident". She tries to be out as much as possible so she doesnt have to be with him
- She has also over the years become obsessively tidy
- she doesnt understand other peoples relationships - like she might criticise our children's partners to our children without realising the children's loyalties to them. Equally she doesnt understand my loyalties to my father. She will say things like  "hes not very bright", "hes really stupid" "hes dirty" "hes got no common sense", but at the same time she is good to him but completely overvalues the fairly minor things she does for him
- she thinks she is the busiest person in the world, but the reality is the complete opposite
- She suffers totally from black and white thinking, there is no in-between. Things are either good or (more often, these days) really awful
- She never values other peoples opinions - she thinks she is always right. For almost 30 years she has been convinced I had an affair with someone who worked for me (which I didnt) and even now, very occasionally she will ask me about it and I will say no - nothing happened and she will say for maybe the 1000th time "well I think it did"
- She often drinks quite heavily - to excess so that her speech can get slurred. She might drink too much maybe 4 days a week 
- She often doesnt listen in conversations and interrupts people and asks them questions theyve answered 5 minutes  earlier
- Her conversation focuses on her rather than the person she stalking to. An example: someone says "ive just had my hair done" - my wife will say - "I had mine done last week"
- She is very self obsessed. My father is getting new hearing aids next week which will enable him to hear much better. She is not very happy about this because she will need to be more careful about speaking about him under her breath. My children find this appallingly self centred
- When I was in hospital, she spoke about wanting to drive the car into a brick wall. The only time since then self harm has been an issue is once a couple of years ago she scratched her arms till they bled and carried on while in a rage
- I never know which one of her im going to wake up to - the happy one , the ocassionally apologetic one or the deeply miserable one
- 90% of our conversation is about her. She rarely asks or shows interest in my work
- I believe her mother had this too.
- She had a very dysfunctional upbringing. For both parents it was a volatile second marriage, and my wife's father used to put her down a lot for being less bright than her younger sister, calling her for example "a blithering idiot". The biggest insult you could direct at my wife now is to call her stupid
- My children have the same issues with her - every single argument there has ever been in the family has involved her

So that is a longer than expected summary. I know that its horrible being my wife sometimes but it's becoming bad being me too and I really dont know what to do about it. Weve move house recently to move near our children and grandchildren which is lovely but there is a big but... .I dont see that leaving is an option, but I think thats less about love than other issues like convenience, family, my father etc.

Any advice or suggestions would be very welcome.

Also any thoughts as to whether Im right about thinking that it is BPD that she has would be very welcome too. many thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Hi there.  Sorry there was little time to post when I saw this the other day.

Here's the thing about BPD - if it sounds like it to YOU, the tools on this and other diste can help.  They are good for any high conflict relationship.  So, while yes, it could be BPD, all that really matters is that you can find some validation here and some help from the tools to decrease the levels of conflict in your life, and protect yourself from the times things just do explode no matter what you try.

I would also say it's helped me to look at underlying physical issues that can bring my H's unstable emotions to a head.  Like if he is doing okay physically, his emotions, while not the most reliable, are a lot more predictable than when he is ill, his blood sugar is messed up, or he is in a lot of pain.  Others on here can testify that hormonal changes as well as other physical ailments, even nutrition, can all factor into the amount of turmoil they face. 

Based on your W's age, I may guess she has gone through the change of life?  Add that to the fact that BPD rely on US to be steady, since they simply can't.  You, being the one needing care and aid has probably been a very difficult place - I know you can see that, but for a pwBPD, they can easily get caught up all in their own heads, and our feelings get lost.  Empathy is not a strong skill for them.

Keep reading, keep posting, sorry when things get crazy as we can't always post back - don't give up. 

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there

I was very enthusiastic at the beginning and I wrote very long posts, and some got unanswered. It disapointed me too, I even asked "Is something wrong with me/my English?". But in time I realized this place is run by people like us, we deal with crisis at home every week, and dificulties every day, our family, our job... .And half of the time I, for one, feel like a total failure who shouldn't be giving advice to anyone.

After some months, the help and support I got from the people here is priceless. So, I think it is worth it to be patient. There are thousands of people who post once and never come back again to read the responses. Many of us try to welcome and respond to every one, because we know how it feels to feel that no one understands what are we going through.

As Isilme told you, we can't diagnose anyone. Everything you tell about your wife sounds very familiar, and if you browse around, you'll find many similar stories. And of course, we know it is not easy at all to live like this. They are the sufferers, but our life is not a piece of cake either. There is one huge difference, in my opinion. The more we learn about their suffering, the more we understand and it makes things a bit easier. The more they learn about how we suffer, the more guilty they feel about themselves, and it makes things more difficult. So we have a lot to learn about setting limits and asking for respect, in a non threatening not shaming, not blaming way.

As Isilme also told you, these tools for comunication are great for anybody. When you learn, you end up thinking "this is the way everybody should comunicate! where did we go so wrong?" We wish people would talk like that to us, and also, we find that some of the things we strongly believe they do wrong, we also do them. Emotion gets the better of us sometimes, BPD or not. I believe in looking for similarities, and finding that we are not completely different, and that "sane" and "disordered" are not clean cut categories.

What I've learned from my SO leads me to believe that she didn't learn some tools needed to survive, tools that we all learn as kids, even as babies. Basic trust to other people, basic problem solving tools... .As they don't have them, they substitute them for defence mechanisms that over time turn into fixed behaviors and they made their lives and their relationships worse and worse. There lies the dificulty of treatment, because it involves learning things in a different way that what they learned as infants.

I'm really sorry you lost an arm, that must have been devastating. And I'm sure you have been to the process of having to learn to do everything in a new, different way, things that you had done in a fixed way since you were an infant. It was surelly an almost impossible challenge, and you did it. You can use that experience. As damaging as their behaviors are, for them and for others, they feel they need them, as much as you needed your arm and knew how scary would be life without it. I hope I don't offend you comparing that.

I hope you can start to make things better for you and your family, and that you have a support group to help you and cheer you up. You know it's not easy, but there is hope.

[pearlsw]

Hi, Sorry I didn't see this sooner. I could probably throw my two cents on everything I see here, but often I hang back because I really want to hear from others and learn from their insights on all of this. It makes me feel less alone and more than ANYTHING else in my life understood. Simply understood.

This sounds big. Very big. I think one thing to keep in mind is that even if you are the only working on it you can see differences in a relationship just by changing yourself and your responses to things. Claim your own happiness and don't let life pass you by - this is my new mantra! Even if I am in this I am determined to find nuggets of joy in every day of my life.

Reading things on here might help you have more tools to deal with conflict, to reduce it whenever possible. Sounds like she has had some therapy in the past, perhaps this might be another time to open up to that extra support? Don't make it a "you have problems go get fixed thing" but a "I feel you are struggling and perhaps an extra set of ears can help you feel better" thing. I dunno.

What do you need? What are you hoping for? It sounds like your own emotional needs are not being met. She does not want to hear about you? I know your disappointment! Do you have other friends or family members who can help you have this aspect of your life? I am bit isolated and don't have enough of this myself. He is very jealous and it has shut my life down quite a bit, just to avoid the hassle of that, but that is not good for me or what I want out of life and I am hoping that I can make some changes in that area down the line when I have a better job and more contacts and time outside the home.

I am very sorry to hear about your arm. That must be incredibly difficult, and the kind of thing you need a lot of extra love and encouragement about. I am not super religious, but last week, during a break up phase I reread old religious passages that meant something to me and I felt safe, protected and not alone at the darkest times. Perhaps creating some special touchstones of support that are yours and yours alone could help you at the darkest moments when you feel less loved and supported than you need. Take care friend! Wishing you joy in your day!

[pearlsw]

Oh, and maybe reread a little on validating so you can understand and support her when you are up for it. I find this helps instead of labeling him as "messed up" when I see him as "in pain" it is easier to help. Must run now! ciao.