How to deal with an emotionally abusive partner

[Winkshine80]

Hi Everyone,
 This is a very big step for me, but I really need people to talk to. I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 7 years. at first I thought the way he treated me was normal, but as time went on I realized his behavior was not okay. He makes me feel just awful and scares me. He gets angry if I say the wrong thing and gives me the silent treatment on a regular basis. He has no empathy or compassion whatsoever. I feel like I am walking in eggshells all the time. We have a 6 year old son and I realize now he is seeing how his father teats me and doesn't like it. He is such a sweet boy and I feel awful being in this situation. I just feel helpless. We bought a house together a year ago, very stupid on my part. I am pretty sure he has BPD and not sure how to deal with it any longer.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Hi,

I'm glad you're here. I haven't been on this forum long but so far I've found everyone to be very supportive and helpful. You are not alone in this.

What you describe sounds very similar to what I went through. Feeling scared and helpless is an awful feeling. I know how that feels. Have you tried reading some of the links to the right? I'm not an expert and I hesitate to give advice on what to do exactly since your situation while similar may be very different than mine. It's a long story, but my marriage didn't end well (we're divorced) but that doesn't mean yours is headed there. I'm a firm believer in hope.

I've also discovered that keeping a journal about how I feel helps me to cope as well as just "venting" or asking questions on forums like this one.

Have you tried talking to a therapist? For me, I found that a good therapist who understands abuse, BPD and such can be very helpful. I believe my therapist basically saved my life. She gave me the tools I needed to get through it all. Without her help, I'm not so sure I'd be here now.

I hope this helps.

[Radcliff]

Hell I_Am_The_Fire,

Welcome!  I am so sorry you are having to deal with emotional abuse, and that you are concerned about your son's exposure to it.  I'm glad you found us, though -- please stick around to get the support you need.  You mentioned "walking on eggshells," and there is in fact a book about BPD by that title, worth reading.

I have experienced quite a bit of emotional abuse, and it is a huge weight pulling on my soul.  The crazy making thing about it is that our partner defines our reality, and when I try to gently set a boundary or say how what she does makes me feel, she makes it out to be my problem.  She is very smart and articulate, so she can be convincing!  It is hard to know which way is up!

Definitely read the resources at the right, and a couple of BPD books (another is "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder," and yet another is "I Hate You Don't Leave Me."  One big issue with emotional abuse is invalidation (being made to feel that you, your views, your feelings, your needs are incorrect or worthless).  One technique is self-validation, where you tell yourself that you are in fact being reasonable.  To do this, I've had to work hard to understand reality not as my wife defines it but as a "reasonable" person might define it -- reading and being on these boards has helped me with that.  Sometimes I've been able to see my wife's over the top insults as totally ridiculous and they've barely hurt.  I've been happy for this progress.  Other times I'm weighed down with sadness that I am with someone who treats me that way (though even in those moments at least I objectively know she's being ridiculous and am not taking things to heart).  I don't claim total success; sometimes it just hurts, especially when there is truth in what she says, amplified by her BPD, and I sometimes am still a wreck in those times.

One or two of the books have tips on talking to kids.  Basically, you're treading a line between supporting the other parent and supporting the child.  The child really needs the non-BPD parent to validate them and help them understand when the BPD parent's behaviors are unreasonable, and help the child not take them personally.  You don't have to talk down the BPD parent -- you can even say something like how Dad loves him (and point to an example of some way he showed that) but sometimes he loses his temper and that is not your son's fault.  If something crazy happens, it is super important for the non-BPD parent to not pretend it is OK.  Open conflict with the other parent is often not helpful (though if physical safety is an issue, do what you have to do).  :)eflect and distract the BPD parent, as you would with a child, or think of a non-confrontational excuse to separate the child (they have to clean their room, you remembered a play date, you promised to bring them to the library).

This is a helluva big burden.  Therapy can definitely be helpful.  Exercise.  Take care of yourself!  I've been keeping a list on my phone of things that make me happy (experiences, foods, smells, places, music, etc.). Anytime I think of something I write it on the list.  The list is very long by now.  It feels good to have it handy, and it simply feels good to add to it!

Again, it's good that you've joined us!  I am glad that you're looking out for yourself and your son.  Please keep the posts coming!