Was my Ex girlfriend BPD?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey

First time posting here but have been reading a lot on here. Have broken up with my girlfriend but just looking for some feedback as to whether or not she had issues of her own. After a lot of reading I think she may actually have had BPD but never realised this during the relationship as never really knew much about BPD until we broke up.

We dated for 1.5 years. At the beginning we clicked very quickly as we had so much in common. It seemed too good to be true at times with the amount of interests we had in common and our thoughts and beliefs on so many things was similar and fell into place. She was quite forward at the beginning and would have pushed for a second meeting very quickly after our first but I was happy to go along with it as we got on so well and it took off from there.

Some background to why we broke up. To be honest we got on very well the vast vast majority of the time and I was sure she was the one. But she was very needy and picky and no matter what I done it wasn't enough. She said at the finish that I couldn't meet her needs and I think that was what she convinced herself. I couldn't express my feelings a lot of the time as she accused me of blaming her for problems when I was only trying to communicate to her why they happened. She would put me in bad form because of her neediness and demanding nature and this would have been the main problem I brought to the relationship in that I wasn't happy about things and may have been moody as a result but I was mature about it as much as I could and I tried not to let it interfere with our relationship.  She claimed she wasn't materalistic but she really was. She would buy me gifts regularly to thank me for things when I would rather she done something for me that cost nothing as a thank you as I thought that what she would have wanted herself as she kept claiming she wasn't materialistic. There were numerous other times she would be getting aggressive or angry and shouting in public that was not normal. She would also have threatened to hit me with things at times if she was in a rage.

Other BPD concerns

- She was always so so nice to my family and friends and never really her true self with them and they were so surprised to hear some of the things she would have done and ways she behaved as they didnt suspect them.
- If we texting and calling throughout the day and then she may have texted me that evening and perhaps didnt hear from me for a couple of hours cos i didnt see the message or didnt have my phone on me she would start ringing a few times and saying how worried she was and was everything ok because she hadnt heard from me all day yet she had heard from me plenty of times perhaps only a few hours earlier.
- she kept telling me i was depressed anytime i was annoyed or moody as a result of her extreme demands or nonsense
- hates to be told anything negative about herself and would shout me down if i told her any
- when trying to sort things out i told her anything about me that i had to improve but she didnt have anything to improve and couldnt come up with any improvments for herself.
- a big concern was that she held grudges for a long time and never let things drop that i done. she wouldnt tell me at the time so i never knew there was a problem but then she would throw them up to me months and in some cases a year down the line and despite me showing remorse and aplogising (even thouugh most were quite petty) she still wouldnt let them go
- she would demand much more affection in public even though i would giv her more than most boyfriends would

Please let know any opinions on this. There are other things but thats all for now

 

[tellmeaboutbpd]

Hey

First time posting here but have been reading a lot on here. Have broken up with my girlfriend but just looking for some feedback as to whether or not she had issues of her own. After a lot of reading I think she may actually have had BPD but never realised this during the relationship as never really knew much about BPD until we broke up.

We dated for 1.5 years. At the beginning we clicked very quickly as we had so much in common. It seemed too good to be true at times with the amount of interests we had in common and our thoughts and beliefs on so many things was similar and fell into place. She was quite forward at the beginning and would have pushed for a second meeting very quickly after our first but I was happy to go along with it as we got on so well and it took off from there.

Some background to why we broke up. To be honest we got on very well the vast vast majority of the time and I was sure she was the one. But she was very needy and picky and no matter what I done it wasn't enough. She said at the finish that I couldn't meet her needs and I think that was what she convinced herself. I couldn't express my feelings a lot of the time as she accused me of blaming her for problems when I was only trying to communicate to her why they happened. She would put me in bad form because of her neediness and demanding nature and this would have been the main problem I brought to the relationship in that I wasn't happy about things and may have been moody as a result but I was mature about it as much as I could and I tried not to let it interfere with our relationship.  She claimed she wasn't materalistic but she really was. She would buy me gifts regularly to thank me for things when I would rather she done something for me that cost nothing as a thank you as I thought that what she would have wanted herself as she kept claiming she wasn't materialistic. There were numerous other times she would be getting aggressive or angry and shouting in public that was not normal. She would also have threatened to hit me with things at times if she was in a rage.

Other BPD concerns

- She was always so so nice to my family and friends and never really her true self with them and they were so surprised to hear some of the things she would have done and ways she behaved as they didnt suspect them.
- If we texting and calling throughout the day and then she may have texted me that evening and perhaps didnt hear from me for a couple of hours cos i didnt see the message or didnt have my phone on me she would start ringing a few times and saying how worried she was and was everything ok because she hadnt heard from me all day yet she had heard from me plenty of times perhaps only a few hours earlier.
- she kept telling me i was depressed anytime i was annoyed or moody as a result of her extreme demands or nonsense
- hates to be told anything negative about herself and would shout me down if i told her any
- when trying to sort things out i told her anything about me that i had to improve but she didnt have anything to improve and couldnt come up with any improvments for herself.
- a big concern was that she held grudges for a long time and never let things drop that i done. she wouldnt tell me at the time so i never knew there was a problem but then she would throw them up to me months and in some cases a year down the line and despite me showing remorse and aplogising (even thouugh most were quite petty) she still wouldnt let them go
- she would demand much more affection in public even though i would giv her more than most boyfriends would

Please let know any opinions on this. There are other things but thats all for now

 

[tellmeaboutbpd]

Any opinions?

[once removed]

hi tellmeabouBPD and

we arent professionals and cant diagnose her, but if you read around i suspect youll feel youve found the right place, as many of us here have been through a lot of what you describe, and can relate. its a place where we can heal and grow wherever our exes might be on the spectrum of BPD.

how long ago did the relationship end? what happened?

let us know. we are here to support you 24/7.

[kerbarzorpit]

Hey tellmeaboutBPD,

No one here will dare to give you a diagnostic. It is too delicate. I had the same problem when I first wrote in this blog. She has many traits if you ask me, but she could simply be inmature. Was she pushing for commintment? Was she afraid of being abandoned? Did she find a replacement fast?

Look, in any case, knowing her status will not change anything. I've been to three different psychologists and one psychiatrist. Spent more than two sessions with each in order to tell the whole story with full details and they all told me that she has a personality disorder. You should know that knowing that does not change anything. You have the problem, because you still have doubts, you still long for her and you already know she had issues, traits that you did not like. Putting a name to those issues does not change the situation. It won't make them go away. It may be easier to digest, but you still have to digest it.

Think about the bad things and judge them separately. Their lure is so powerful that everything else will look pale and faded in comparison, so judge the bad separately and think about how important it is to you what happened. Isolated events almost never are enough (unless they are something really serious) but something that you may consider a deal breaker constantly happening should be enough. Things become harder after marriage, not easier. Never forget that.

[tellmeaboutbpd]

At the end she was getting fed up I think of not getting her way the whole time and referring back to petty incidents that ended up in rows and she claims she can't figure out why we rowing etc. Being honest and not biased at all it was her immaturity that caused them.

Regarding commitment she wasn't insisting on it but talked a lot about our future and having children etc so of course I had pictured that happening a lot. Broke io about 4 months and as far am I'm aware she is not in a relationship since

[Harley Quinn]

Hi tellmeaboutBPD,

I'd like to join the others in welcoming you to the site.  You will find lots of information about BPD that is reliable here, so I'd suggest you have a good read and you may be able to identify some of the behaviours that your ex demonstrated.  I can understand your wanting to know if she has a recognisable issue as it can help in our processing of what went wrong in the r/s.  That's a good place to start in detaching and healing.  Perhaps take a look at the following article and see if you find it helpful to begin with:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

It explains about the traits and characteristics of BPD and might help you to decide if you feel she 'fits' this.  Remember, BPD (as all personality disorders are) is a spectrum disorder so she may fit some of the criteria and have traits of BPD without fitting the criteria for diagnosis of the disorder.  Some pwBPD are high functioning, others low functioning like my exBPDbf, who was extreme in his presentation.  :)o let us know how best we can help you and we will be here to support you in your journey.

Love and light x

[NotMuchHelp]

Hey tellmeaboutBPD,
You seem like a smart person and have found this site. I agree no one on here can diagnose her, through posts. But, that you've spent time on the internet doing reaseach and again found this place, I would say she is. That's not a professional diagnosis. One doesn't just randomly land at this site, only people who have done thorough research, end up on this site. I'm sorry that you're going through this. There are definitely traits that apply to BPD. But, remember there are many traits that are completely contradictory to each trait. For example, one can't ghost or but then recycle. It's completely opposite extremes. My experience is/was, once it ended, it was over. She never spoke or looked at me again. No friendship, nothing. So the recycling issue, never happened. But normal people don't hate or ignore an ex for life. Keep your head up.

[NotMuchHelp]

Oh another thing, counseling is a good thing for you. They can certainly help you understand if she is BPD. The problem is these people can go through their entire lives, and never be diagnosed. That certainly doesn't mean they aren't BPD.