Can Relationship be rescued after Devaluation?

[north69]

Still in LC, separated from wife and only seeing her for visiting my son.

Pondering the options, trying to get stronger & break my dependency, going well. One important question:

- Is it possible to stay with BPD wife or gf after being Devalued? i.e. Can they ever start to idealize again? Or is it pretty much always that it will result in a discard?

If I understand that it will help my thinking a little big, help me prepare for whatever's round the corner whilst she's currently got me in limbo.

Many thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mavrik]

How long have you been together? And did the relationship end on a bad note?

When BPDS discard it doesn't mean a thing to them, they don't hurt they don't fee upset and they don't care how it leaves the other party feeling.

From my experience of 2 past BPD relationships, no they will never value again, they may try to convince you they will but there's no chance they will.

It's wether your willing to try again and adapt your ways and mindset to prepare for when it goes wrong again, which it will as she will look for ways to wreck it so she can justify it in her own head that this was going to happen.

Does she admit she is BPD?

Do you really want to be treading on eggshells the whole time?

Sadly I can honestly say that they won't value you again, your the bad guy in her eyes and now always will be

[north69]

Hi Mavrik,

Thanks for your message. I agree that they don't feel the same pain that we do, but they definitely feel something. They sometimes block it though / tune out because their emotions are too intense for them to manage.

I agree that once painted black it's very hard to come back. Especially because there are a couple of flying monkeys now who enable her, she's got the added pressure of them if we try to reconcile.


She went crazy today, started telling me how she can't believe I'm not begging for forgiveness. I need to take responsibility for everything I've done wrong. I could be walking around with a crown of thorns or cross on my back, with a bleeding back and even that wouldn't quite cut it. She says I need to be kissing the ground that she walks on, I'll never find another like her, etc etc.

Basically I got it all today. She's a High Performing BPD Sufferer... .a Blamer.


Not diagnosed. Probably doesn't even know what BPD is.

I see 2 options:


1. We both take responsibility, give it another shot and go to therapy (where I'll push the symptoms of her disorder in the hope that we get a diagnosis)

2. Divorce and no more erosion of my self esteem.



Getting stronger! But I do hope we end up going for option 1. Right now she takes no responsibility for anything, it's all me. Unfortunately makes life rather impossible... .

[Mavrik]

I felt sick when my 12 month relationship ended. She ended it, it's been 5 months and it still hurts. So to be married can only hurt more.

I tried to get back together as once I knew she was BPD. Which I'm sure she will never accept. I'm sure I was skilled enough to give it another go.

But everyone on this forum said it wouldn't work. And I'd only be hurting myself as it was only a matter of time before it happened again.

I've not had the chance to reconcile so don't know how it would have gone.

Putting all advice to one side, if you still love someone, it's worth trying, anything is worth trying rather than giving up.

I really hope it works out, I really do. But it's gonna be all Uphill, especially if she doesn't admit to having BPD.

It's the not taking any responsibility and constant blaming that's going to be difficult as she will use every excuse to throw things back in your face, that doesn't help the process.

Questions only you know the answer to.

Do you still love her and why?

Are there kids involved?

[north69]

10 month old son who I adore.

Definitely still love her but problem is that I'm not quite sure why - I think I'm in love with the girl I don't see a lot these days, which I read is actually a projection and not the real her. I don't believe that, I think that is the real her.

Problem is that we've cycled through this for the last 7 months. The pain is too great when it keeps on happening, same old story.

Plus, if we don't sort it now it will affect my son. Arguing / tempers / her episodes / my reactions etc, has to be controlled.

Or the alternative, which isn't pretty, is that we divorce and my son will have to see her BPD life on one hand and his dad's life on the other. I'm a happy person, quite a nice chap on the whole if I say so myself and I think my son will need the balance if we do split up.

It's a bad bad situation. Only consolation is that there are so many others suffering the same fate on here... .if we do reconcile I've learnt a good amount from here like you have, tools, skills etc. But it's weak stuff when faced with their constant erosion and degradation.

I imagine I'd become more skilled in time with the tools but at first the caretaker role and not getting involved in their conflicts etc, must be so difficult.

[pearlsw]

I was reading on this topic today too. Who is the real person? What I read argued that the BPD person is both of these people - the one that shines and attracts us somehow, and the one who does stuff that really damages us. It's hard. What I was reading was also about accepting that they can't change. (Well, that was the argument.) This is who they are. We have to sort of accept. We are in the role of caretaker. It's tough.

If she'd been in a car accident and was terribly injured you'd know what to do. But this? What do we do? Mental illness is illness, and that's what catches me. I have an ingrained belief that you stay and help. But... .yes, at what price my own mental and physical health? I think it is not a question that even has a definitive answer. The challenges keep coming and coming. But we can do a lot to temper the situation through our improved communication skills, maintain our boundaries, and hope for the best. And they will change in response to our changes, though that may have mixed results.

I think there won't be "control", but basically you have a plan in place and you implement it and you see what results, over and over and over.

I was sad to see your post as well about her wanting you to beg for her to take you back. That's pretty humiliating. I understand. You already took your share of the responsibility and offered a lot and were very kind and sweet. Depersonalization might help, with time, to ease the hurt over this.

I think you are focusing on the right things - the parts you can control. You and your feelings. Just keep watching and listening to your feelings. We're here. Keep posting.

[Pedro]

From my own experience I can say no. I wasn't given the opportunity to try and reconcile. I was traded in for another model with 24 hours of being dumped. I reckon my replacement was lined up already by way of a friend on her FB account. But everybody is different & I have read posts here where people have done it, so good luck to you.

[Mavrik]

How much abuse and blame can you take?,

How unhealthy is it for you all?

What are the chances it will happen again?

Only you know these answers and if you can deal with this situation again and again.

I know how I was with my ex BPDgf, and I was the best partner she ever had, but she did all she could to wreck it. And when I dug my heels in to ride it out, she stepped up the behaviour more and more until it was unbearable. And it ended. She was happy as it helped her to once more relate to her attachment issues and that people always leave her, and she's the victim. But myself like all her past partners, friends, associates, work colleagues, all walked away to live a life without her and her dramas and she continues to go from one disaster to another.

Prime example as to them not changing when we think they can. She blamed me for alsorts and wanted an apology thaf she never got.

But as there is a child involved that may change your approach and your decision

Wishing you Happiness in whatever you decide

[caughtnreleased]

I asked for space with my BPDex when he was flying high in the idealization phase with me. I essentially cut things short before we had a chance to even get to know eachother, there were so many red flags and I was going through a breakthrough crisis concerning my own previous abusive relationships. I think he was extremely upset and it sent him to a very bad place. He immediately had someone else lined up though - as unexpected as the breakup was.
A year later he came back though - and we completed the relationship in a way. There were still way too many unanswered questions for both of us so we had to come back together. Things actually went ok. But it's more like we'd each had such an impact on eachother the first time around, but cut it all short, and both of us were too proud to contact the other until he finally reached out and rekindled things. Of course it went south, but for whatever reason it wasn't as horribly painful as the first time around.

Here's the thing - I think he hates me for the attraction we have to each other. Like he hates not being in control in a relationship and he loses it around me (and I around him). It's an extreme situation. I don't feel devalued even though I have been discarded so many times. The first time I felt incredibly devalued but it was all mixed feelings - he was setting up facebook groups titled "I f-ing hate x people" where x was some kind of attribute of mine. But a month or two later he would change it to "I f-ing love x people".  It's all back and forth like that all the time. Idealized, discarded, idealized, discarded. I see the discard as a defense mechanism to remain in control over a person and emotions that he cannot control. Anyway, all that to say... .? Yes of course they can switch back. I think the issue is that they switch too easily - back and forth back and forth. So it doesn't matter how they feel because there is no constancy to it and therefore it means nothing.  I never spent a lot of time with the BPDex... .the little moments we spent together were like the garden of Eden. Beautiful. But then it would trigger him and he'd do something like let me know in a subtle and cowardly way that he was banging someone else. What triggered him in these instances? My joy, his joy - he couldn't tell the difference. I saw joy in him but he would tell me I was the joyful one. He couldn't handle these moments of bliss we had together. I savoured them, knowing what was around the corner, knowing that no matter what he did, or said, he could never take back these moments from me because I was there and I knew that we were both happy to be together. But idealization and devaluation. It doesn't matter. Neither is a form of lasting love.

[pearlsw]

Picking up on the "erosion and constant degradation" point... .I know it is hard, we wish for partners that would help us with, or at least not damage our self-esteem, but try to set this part of yourself outside and away from her completely. Literally nothing she says to try to tear you down is real. Even if it might have a tiny nugget of truth to it, by adding all the mud to it that she does and then tossing it at you... .that is not right. No genuine mistake you have made deserves to be thrown at you as a weapon to hurt or insult you. Nothing. Okay? She can take her love away from you, but don't let her have your self-esteem. You gave/give a lot to this relationship and you deserve respect and praise in the mix of all this!