Vacations & TV shows

[BowlOfPetunias]

My wife had dinner with some friends of hers and one of their mothers was visiting from out of state.  The next day, my wife casually mentions that the mother will be joining us on our upcoming vacation!  She was worried about finding a hotel given that it is related to the eclipse, but my wife said she could stay in our hotel room!  Go ahead and buy the plane ticket!

I told her that this was something she should have asked me about.  I also said that this made me look like the bad guy who was saying this woman could not join us.  Once again, my wife made a promise that either she could not keep or was promising something on my behalf--because she wants to think that she is doing something "nice" and others will like her.  I thought that she agreed to try to withdraw the offer by text.

My wife brought up the issue during brunch at a restaurant with our daughter.  I told her that she doesn't think like a couple.  She then connected the argument to a therapy session for our daughter in which I had subtly indicated to the therapist that I thought that our marriage counselor had ended the sessions too soon.  She began berating me and using the asking a question that is not really a question technique.  "Aren't we doing much better?  Haven't I been improving?"  (I later pointed out to her that these questions, given the circumstances in which she asks, pressure me into agreeing to avoid escalating a fight.)  I remained calm and told her that she was escalating very quickly.  She went to the bathroom and came out apologizing.

It turns out that she found an additional hotel room for the friend's mother for two nights, but that we would still have to share one night--even though the hotel told us that this would not be allowed.  (There are four of us plus her.)  

She justified making the offer without bothering to consult me on the grounds that she "wasn't thinking clearly" and that this woman had been hospitable to us.  Granted, this woman has been nice to us and let us stay in a room in her apartment in a spare room.  But that is very different from having someone sleeping in the same hotel room.  

After brunch, we went to the zoo and played mini golf with our daughter. On the way home, our daughter asked my wife to look at something on netflix to see if she could watch it.  Unfortunately, she had already watched 7 episodes.  My daughter has OCD and anxiety issues, with lots of defiance, so this quick escalated while I was driving home.  (There have been several fights between them where I have repeatedly begged them--especially my wife--to stop so I could concentrate.)  My wife said that our daughter should not watch this show because it is about "middle school and high school."  I asked for clarification because I don't think that there is anything wrong with an 8-year-old watching a program about middle school or high school in and of itself.  She then lashed out at me for undermining her.  Later, she said that she could not explain that the show deals with "sex and drugs" in front of our daughter.  OK, then, I told her, you could have said "adult issues."  I pointed out that there would be nothing wrong with her watching Disney's High School Musical, for example, and that is why I asked for clarification.  (My wife often complains that "we need to be on the same page" when dealing with the kids.  I told her that I could not be on the same page if I did not understand her reasons for not approving of this show.  I also said that it feels like she thinks "being on the same page" is her making decisions for both of us.)

Eventually, she apologized and blamed her recent outbursts on having forgotten to take her mood stabilizers during our recent trip to the shore.  (She also had a big screaming match with a hotel owner at the shore.  To be fair, however, I did not see it start and the other woman did seem to be unbalanced.  She had apparently written down--yes, written, no computers--and was very angry that we had arrived "early."  To my wife's credit, she did find another hotel.)

A few years ago, my wife told the daughter of the woman she invited to join our vacation that "we" (meaning mostly me!) would brew a batch of beer for them.  I am not against giving away some homebrew--but not a whole five gallon batch!  She wound up doing the same thing a second time.  I had tried to draw a line, but wound up enabling her because I felt bad about disappointing people and I did not want to appear to be the bad guy.  ("R offered to brew us a batch of beer, but that husband of hers wouldn't let her."  The husband of this couple had already spoken to me about how rude he thought I was because I am an introvert.)

I am getting really worried about fights breaking out during the trip.  We are driving a long distance.  The last time we did this turned into a huge fight after she got worked up over the kids fighting and then lashed out a me for wanting to go to a restaurant we couldn't afford--the restaurant she had just picked out an hour earlier.

She also recently asked me if I was ready to "eat your words" regarding my concern that she and the kids would be fighting during the summer.  (This was her first summer not working.)  While things did not go as badly as they could have, she was getting into a lot of fights with them, as seen in the recent fights with our daughter during drives.  By the way, she asked this while we were talking to our daughter's therapist and I had expressed my concern over the possibility of fights during the upcoming road trip.  (This was before she made the offer for the guest to join us on our family vacation.)

On the subject of thinking like a couple, I told her that our son has called me a coward for checking with my wife about decisions.  His reasoning was that she doesn't bother to check with me.  So I must be a wimp.  I told her that I told him that just because his mother doesn't do the right thing doesn't mean that I shouldn't do the right thing.  (Oh, and she will sometimes make these decisions--"no video games for the rest of the day!"--without asking me and I will try to back her up.  After several hours of me repeatedly telling our son that he can't play anymore, she just reverses her decision and lets him play--without asking me, of course.)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Everything you say here is very reasonable, and it's no surprise you worry, you are offended and stressed.
I'm sure you already know that reason, and fairness matter little sometimes with pwBPD.
As we believe in what we say, we can only change how and when we say things. It seems to me that you are reacting, and you don't have the peace of mind or the time to act with a plan. I would take a step back and play the "less is more" approach for some days.
We can't enable our partner, specially when we have kids in common. But we can't have too high expectations either, and maybe you get extra frustrated expecting your SO to improve faster than she can. Maybe I'm wrong, but we need to find a balance in our expectations if we don't want to feel hopeless all the time.

[Jessica84]

One thing that may help with vacations is preparation. Bring snacks to keep blood sugars stable, pillows for sleepy, grumpy kids/wife, napkins for spills, first-aid kit for boo-boos that will send her in a tailspin. Print out directions so you don't get lost. Gas up the night before to avoid delays in the morning. Phone chargers for the 'wow I'm almost dead' panics.

Next, imagine your wife going BPD on you or the kids (I'm sure you have plenty examples), then come up with new auto-responses that validate her feelings. When your reactions change, her actions may begin to change as well. Proceed with caution. Slowly, gently, baby steps. Good luck!