Discouraged.

[foggydew]

Feeling a bit discouraged again. It has been going fairly well, Friend has a girlfriend, I have been learning to accept her without feeling too jealous and we get on well together. He has had the occasional belch of bad behaviour, but nothing much. We have had some nice evenings all together. This weekend we went away to see his family  in my car, and the dysregulation began. He decided I am an incompetent driver and without my knowledge arranged for her to drive, with him also driving part of the way. Not a good start, and I insisted on driving the first 10 minutes... I needed that. She drove well, and the two of us chatted while he read and listened to music in the back. Our chatter and slowness with coffee, loo, etc apparently increased his stress level and when he took over, he drove unpleasantly fast and we both asked him to slow down. He stopped speaking. Thins improved a bit later, although he always finds his family stressful.
On the way back, he drove, then I drove.
And just now he came to visit, and told me that he would never drive with me anywhere again, as I am such a bad driver. And I am lazy and ignorant. I accepted what he said and asked if that was the real reason. Yes, and I never understand anything and never listen. Dementia is obviously setting in. So I laughed pleasantly, and said a few similar things about him, but pleasantly and with humour. I had a short burst of attacking back, because I felt hurt, but was able to soften it. I told him that we all make mistakes, especially when under stress, but being friends means accepting people as they are. I asked him if he wanted to be accepted as he is. Yes, of course. I asked why he couldn't accept other people then, like me. Because they should have a good level of intelligence, be on the same plane as he is, he said. He can't be bothered with lesser people. So I'm inferior? Well, perhaps not exactly inferior. But his girlfriend and I talk about such stupid topics... .And so it went on for some considerable time. I kept it light and pleasant in spite of the attacks but it was hard work. At the end he left, and I did not get up to say goodbye, as I usually do. So he came and pulled me up and gave me a hug.
It has been going so well. Just makes me feel tired and makes me want to confide in his girlfriend, but I don't want to use her. They have only known each other 3 months... Can't talk about this anywhere else, as others only see him as someone unpleasant then.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[foggydew]

I need to be able to continue to stand above the attacks and not let them influence me. Because they haven't really happened in a while, I'm out of practice, and I keep trying to second guess what is behind it. I know I'm ok in driving, but feel the need to have confirmation, yet don't want to ask girlfriend how she felt, because then I would be showing his behaviour towards me. I try to be honest about my feelings and discuss things that involved the three of us together. We did discuss the trip a bit when we arrived back, and tried to ensure he felt accepted and not criticised. Why am I apparently the only one he aims these attacks at? Is he trying to create distance? Do I bring too much stress into the situation?

[foggydew]

Well, done a lot of reading again, and it seems that this was probably projection. Fits the bill. He was the one who showed all the things he accused me of. I didn't really find any info on how to deal with projection, except walking away from it. But that may stop it at that moment, but doesn't deal with what is behind it, in terms of the insecurity or self blame. If insecurity is the basis for this, then somehow feeling accepted even if you make mistakes would be important. Certainly turning the projection round is not possible at that moment, but maybe trying to discuss the feelings that such behaviour triggers may be useful (ie, no wonder you feel afraid if I drive so badly, I also feel afraid when you/someone drives badly too, but it passes).

[patientandclear]

FD--I think the question "why did he act this way" may be less fruitful than "do I want to be treated this way."

For me, the announcement that someone first invited himself in my car and then was going to have his girlfriend drive because I was incompetent would result in me explaining that neither I nor my car was going on the trip.

This is a boundary question. He is treating you contemptuously and seeing if you take it. When you do, it invites more of the same in the future.

[foggydew]

Thanks, Patientandclear. You are right, of course. And yet, because it really interests me, I'd like to know more. Try and understand more. I've been putting distance between us, and so I'm not as dependent as before, but I am indeed vastly curious. I'd like to see him succeed and help on the way if I can.
In a normal situation, car and I would have stayed at home, but he actually got his mother to invite me so he could drive down with me. This I discussed with his mother when I was there and also with girlfriend, who was pretty horrified, as she hadn't realised. I haven't seen him since the day after, when he criticised me, but also himself, saying he couldn't deal with a lot of social situations.