What an abrupt and unexpected breakup.

[Edenalterego]

2 minutes into the call, I said "I think we shouldn't be together anymore, because I think a relationsh-"
She cuts me off and says " It's fine, just bye." And hung up on me.

She almost didnt want to call tonight because she is having a very "important thing" to talk about to this other guy that she told me she loves and is connected to emotionally (he is also BPD).

Well I guess I had absolutely no impact on her since she told me before that she's never connected emotionally to me anyway.

What an abrupt and unexpected breakup.

Maybe this now exBPD does love this guyw/BPD.

I was nothing but being used for comfort because he didnt want a relationship with her.

I have only dated her 3 months, they have been knowing each other for 1 year. He is precious to her. She doesnt even allow me to mention his name in an argument. Although he is the core of it... .

So I guess I was insignificant to her, that other dude with BPD is what matters. God how I feel like crap.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Eden,

I've read your earlier posts and can see that you've had an awful lot of discomfort to absorb within this r/s.  It's so hard to feel that you meant less than you were led to believe earlier in the r/s and this can be extremely difficult to stomach.  Looking at the situation from outside of it, I'd say that your ex is also in quite and uncomfortable position with this other man who says he doesn't want (or at least didn't) a r/s with her.  It is possible that there has been a degree of projection going on here, where her own feelings of lack of worth and sense of rejection have been passed onto you by putting you down in the ways that she has.  Try to look upon it as the disorder playing out in the way that it does.  She has maladaptive coping going on and you unfortunately were the person closest to her who was affected by this.

From what you describe there were few positives remaining.  Would I be right in saying that?  Perhaps it would help you to write down what you would like in a loving partnership?  This could give things some perspective and allow you to step back a little.  The feelings you are experiencing are to be expected after such a blow.  Are you having any counselling or therapy?  Many members find this support indispensable at such a difficult time as this.  Keep reading and posting.  We can help you to get through and regain some strength.  It's time to think about yourself now.  What do you enjoy doing outside of work?  If there are things that you let fall by the wayside whilst adopting your caretaking role, now would be a good time to resume those activities.  Other members can give you some great suggestions and examples of what has worked for them to help them get through the worst of it, so I won't give you a long to do list.  Just look after yourself right now.  That's important.

Love and light x 

[Edenalterego]

Try to look upon it as the disorder playing out in the way that it does.  She has maladaptive coping going on and you unfortunately were the person closest to her who was affected by this.

From what you describe there were few positives remaining.  Would I be right in saying that?  Perhaps it would help you to write down what you would like in a loving partnership?  Are you having any counselling or therapy?  Many members find this support indispensable at such a difficult time as this.  Keep reading and posting.  We can help you to get through and regain some strength.  It's time to think about yourself now.  Just look after yourself right now.  That's important.

Love and light x  

Hey Harley,

Thank you for taking time yet again to reply to this post of mine. I hope you know your replies, just the fact you took time to read and reply, make me feel like I am not alone and cared for.

It's a possible projection from her part, it is interesting because someone else also mentioned this connection. I have no control over this, I just hope wholeheartedly now that my BPDex can recover and live a fulfilling life down the road. Although I don't see how she can do it if she talks about going to therapy but never carries through. I feel an awful lot for leaving her. I wanted to be there for her, I wanted to stay with her while she recovers. But the abuse was too much, plus she said she was only weakly emotionally connected to me, while very strongly connect to this other man also with BPD, and, mind you, she's only had textings and callings with him, never met him in person and would be meeting up with him for the first time while staying at her family's AND take him to stay at her family's place (they will be sleeping together on the same bed). I couldn't deal with that, and apparently I was told that I was over thinking and that nothing more than kissing would happen. First of all, sleeping together and kissing and cuddling is already beyond my limits, I am strictly monogamous. They aren't even in a relationship! Apparently I was the trouble maker because I have all these emotions about the situation. Was I wrong and insecure in this situation?

You are right in saying that it's time to start picking back up the things I used to enjoy before this relationship. I have tried in the last 2 days and I just couldn't do it or couldn't seem to feel any joy at all, so hopefully when I try again a few days from today I can feel happy again doing them.

I will work on myself and do my best. When I face a setback I will look for help, and try to get out of the realm of depression. In preparation I bought an antidepressant today just in case I have those thoughts again.

My BPDex actaully texted me two hours ago ( long after work today, 11pm) saying that she gave it some thoughts and thought that maybe she still want to be friends, and asked me if I can do that. Instant gut feeling tells me "No, no, no, you knew this is coming, she is seeking that attention from you because the other man in the other state has gone to sleep! (3 hour difference), she will manipulate you back!" Just earlier today she told me she doesn't want to try again and treated me terribly at work, now she wants to be friends. Is this typical of BPD? (to want to remain friends right after break up)
I really don't want to continue anything with her, on a conscious and logical level.

Insights will be greatly appreciated!

Thank you again for reading and replying Harley!

[Edenalterego]

I couldn't find modify on my previous reply  sorry for double posting!

I forgot to include what I want in a loving relationship. I honestly prefer to write it here because I feel more supported.

Some things that I want in a loving relationship for me: Genuine love, care, comfort, company, loyal, trust, monogamous, emotional connection, physical contact.

My BPDex could only provide "company". Everything else in the list above, nothing for me.

She doesn't love me as she claimed, because I couldn't feel it at all. As the saying goes, if I am struggling to find it, it probably isn't there.
She did, however, NEEDED me. But it isn't me, me as an individual and personality, that she needs. She just needs "someone", anyone, that can fulfill her need of attention, her need of a body, her need of not having to face the void alone, her need of... the list goes on and on. The point is, it's really all about her, nothing about me at all. I think that's where the no empathy comes in as well as the self-centered (almost NPD-like), manipulative behaviors come in.

My BPDex also wants what she can't have. As soon as she gets it, aka my affection, she legitimately told me she doesn't know what she wants out of this relationship anymore.
Whereas, this other man, who doesn't get into a relationship with her but stay in very very close contact, daily basis 24 hour talking for 1 whole year through the phone and texting, gets all her care and affection. She obsess herself over him because she couldn't have his commitment or emotional affection. (There will be physical affection soon, mind you, the man also contacted me telling me that that's what they both plan to do)

I think I am more hurt for this out of all the abuses. I just couldn't do it because of this. No emotional intimacy with me while she claim she have it with this other texting and phone man that shes only about to meet and have great time with. God, here I go thinking about it again. Let me stop here before I fall further

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Eden,

If you find you struggle to do the things you did before, perhaps something new could inspire and excite you enough to motivate you to get involved and present with it.  The point of it is to be kind to yourself.  If you find that hard, be kind to others and allow yourself to take a few moments to enjoy the feeling of it.  There is a very good reason for this.  It activates the soothing emotional system, which brings down your anxiety and stress levels, reducing the cortisol whizzing through you and making you feel bad.  I've written in depth about the emotional systems in another thread elsewhere.  Focusing on what you are doing and the feeling of being truly engaged and in the moment is mindful, which is also extremely beneficial.  That's the purpose of having hobbies and interests and why they benefit our well being.  In your own time, you could begin to re connect with others and enjoy the company of friends for example.  That is a self kindness and will generate positive feelings associated with that soothing system.  We all find what's right for us.

My BPDex actaully texted me two hours ago (long after work today, 11pm) saying that she gave it some thoughts and thought that maybe she still want to be friends, and asked me if I can do that. Instant gut feeling tells me "No, no, no, you knew this is coming, she is seeking that attention from you because the other man in the other state has gone to sleep! (3 hour difference), she will manipulate you back!" Just earlier today she told me she doesn't want to try again and treated me terribly at work, now she wants to be friends. Is this typical of BPD? (to want to remain friends right after break up)

Yes it can be.  Certainly the changeable behaviour is.  Looks like there is still some push/pull going on and she may be trying to establish if you're prepared to stay in the frame to be triangulated further.  That fear of abandonment is a big motivator in having someone else around outside of the primary attachment.
 Protect yourself as you're quite vulnerable in these early stages.  I speak from experience and I'm sure the majority of those on the board would agree.  The start of detaching is the hardest part.  Try to remain strong with your logical decision to put yourself first now.  Remember the list you made of what you want and that ought to help you remain true to yourself.  It is difficult when so much of ourselves seems corroded from the r/s however you seem to be clear on how little of that list she is able to fulfil in a r/s which shows you are seeing things as they are.  The feelings won't go away overnight - this hurts - but having a clear understanding of the situation is a good basis upon which to start healing.

Here is your opportunity to be the person who is top priority.  In your own life.  :)o what you need and want to do when you want to do it.  :)ay by day you will begin to appreciate the freedom to be able to do these things and start to learn how to give that love and devotion to yourself instead of another.  It's a long journey, and one that is so well worth taking.  

Love and light x  

[Freeatlast_1]

Eden

If she cannot sustain a respectful relationship with you now, how do you think she will be able to sustain this friendship? By being friends, you will used in a different way this time, you're going to be the one to listen to all her stories, maybe new relationships, maybe new heart breaks, she will be dumping negative energy over you about how bad her family has been to her etc, asking you to mentor her about career decisions etc it never ends, at least thats how mine has been during my transition out. The emotional vampire will turn into a different kind of vampire; the point is that she's going to be receiving all the time I have not had any experience with any of my BPD Exes (both of them) where they were genuinely giving. The only giving they know about is love bombing, and that's only to secure an attachment so they can pull you in so it makes it really hard for you to leave. I remember my ex, the recent one, used to kiss my feet, she would kiss my freckles and say "That's the most beautiful thing in the world" and many other statements like these. Now I look at that and think even though she meant it at that time, their feelings are so transient, that before you know it, it all turns upside down and the monster is out.

And about her loving you, these people love in their own crazy way. How can you love someone when you cannot have empathy? How can you love someone when you allow yourself to disrespect them, yell at them, and treat them like crap? What type of love is that? My recent ex also tells me that she loves me all the time, not to mention the "I miss you" text all the time. They do things and say things that are completely incongruent with their actions meaning that it's not true, it's not realistic. When they have you they will manipulate you until you're sick. If you stay you will develop some kind of an illness eventually because of all the anxiety and all the cortisol hormone in your body. My ex and I have made up and broke up countless times. The sex is always amazing, don't fall for that. And if you are attached to the sex she will hold it against you, then she will all of a sudden have golden vagina syndrome. So don't make her feel that you like it either. It's a whole game with these people. What I'm upset most about personally is myself. I must have had a lot of gaps within myself to allow myself to go on this roller coaster. I don't have kids, but now I know that when I do, I will make sure that I will fill all the gaps so that one day they don't get to a point in their life where they attract these people or open the doors to them. Now is the time where I have to fill the gaps in my childhood, and deal with all the issues that allowed me to be in this position. If you are still in it and on your way out, you might just have to go to lots of ups and downs until you make the decision to get off that ride. Some people take years to get off, some people never get off. So it all depends on how much you value your life and yourself. We can have a phone chat if you want.