I am four months out of a relationship with BPD/Npd; could do with advice

[viking66]

I am four months out of a two year relationship with 'the love of my life'.
As soon as we were together, she told me I was her soul mate, the one, the love of her life, she would find me in a hundred lifetimes... ., it was like coming home etc etc... .I was concerned she had baggage as her previous boyfriend had been abusive and controlling and she could not move on from him... .I became her confidant, then her lover... .he committed suicide two months later.

There were many warning signs I ignored because the relationship was so intoxicating.

After 15 months her mother died suddenly after only three weeks of cancer; things began to get increasingly complicated with her becoming more dysfunctional and destructive and eventually completely sabotaging the relationship, with drug abuse, insane flirtation with others, then casual and chaotic sex with strangers.

I have struggled to make sense of it all until reading about BPD/Npd last week... .al the pieces of the puzzle suddenly fell into place. It was a eureka moment.

I'd like advice on how to move on now and regain my sense of self.

Many thanks

[Rayban]

Welcome to the site. You'll find valuable work shops here that will help you along the way.

As a base, No Contact is an excellent start. Maintaing it is the tough part. You'll have periods where you will want to contact your ex out of feeling lonely, bored, or simply because you miss the roller coaster ride. You might have to deal with your ex contacting you. Plan on what you will do if it were to happen. It's not uncommon for a BPDex to dissapear for a while, only to reappear out of the blue. In those moments it is very difficult to resist a charm and the recycle that follows.

Other then that, be good to yourself.  Stay mentally and physically fit. Get the help of a therapist to help you through the pain. There is no time line as to when you will fully detach.  You will speed up the process by remaining NC at all costs.

[vanx]

Welcome to the boards. I hope you can find some support here. I can relate to the initial soul mate element and intoxicating aspects. I am glad that some of the confusing elements have started to make more sense--I know I was looking for answers too. Some things still don't make sense to me, but I try to let them go.
I don't have much to add here, but wanted to say welcome and also encourage you to take excellent care of yourself.  I lost my sense of self too. It's tough, but you'll find yourself again.

[Mutt]

Hi viking66,  



I'd like to join vanx and wRayban and welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm glad that you decided to join us. Stress can exacerbate BPD traits and the push / pull behaviour, especially if you haven't experienced it before can like crazy making behaviour. I completely understand how feeling like you can't put your finger on what the problem is.

It helps to talk to others like us, that way you can talk about the things that you've probably kept to yourself or if you did share it, people were probably just as confused as you were. We can help you put all of the pieces of the puzzle together.

[Lucky Jim]

I don't have much to add here, but wanted to say welcome and also encourage you to take excellent care of yourself.  I lost my sense of self too. It's tough, but you'll find yourself again.

Hey viking66, I concur w/vanx.  Return the focus to yourself.  Treat yourself with care and compassion.  Strive for authenticity.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Pay attention to small desires that reflect who you are at your core.  Get back to being yourself.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[Yosh6]

Hello everyone. I am new here today. I am journeying through my shift in my relationship with someone with BPD characteristics. As I recently would work through the possible ways to shift the relationship into a "healthier" place, I kept coming back to the fact that,nothing will make it healthy". Nothing healthy while we are both still connected. I believe it Is true that Complete cut off is the the only option. Forget about any type of healthy closure. It's like, the ship is sinking all the time and no matter what you do or say ever, you cannot ever save the both of you. Jump into the life boat Now! You must / I must save myself.  It is the only way out. It is not comfortable but it Must be me and I must leave and never turn back. It is like addiction. It will never improve. You will Never get that first "high" that you may be continually seeking with this person. I am working on me and I know it is My stuff and My journey. I don't bash myself anymore. To Thine Own Self Be True"(Polonius in Hamlet).
 

[clarity18]

Hello, I am new to this board, and grateful to read all the helpful posts! I have been NC for two months which has been difficult and yet I am determined (this time... .) I do not want to isolate in a dangerous and abusive relationship anymore, and I know it will not get better as she has no insight into her part in the chaos. I was the long suffering partner, waiting for intermittent positive reinforcement, taking the blame and then conversely getting angry for being blamed, and all the while I was carried away by the intensity similar to my life growing up with one of my parents. Now I'm moving forward, yet feel confounded by my newfound presence of mind about the relationship, when during the relationship I was paralyzed by the confusion, blame, and constant escalation and conflict. I was stuck, dazed and confused. I couldn't walk away the pull was so strong! And to think this is a woman who had me arrested at my workplace for all kinds of false allegations, charges which thankfully were dropped, and I was able to keep my job. And yet I went back to her for another year of control and blame! I feel confounded by my dependence on her and by my part in the chaos as my behavior around her became more and more erratic the more I tried to deny and pretend that our relationship was in the realm of normal and that nothing ever had to make sense or be resolved. That was hard. Like running a marathon with no water. Now, with no contact, I feel there is hope, and like I am creating my life again.

[viking66]

First, many thanks for taking time to reply to my first message. Each day since I discovered this site I can see more clearly what the hell was going on in our relationship.
I understand my role more clearly too; but also, I see that she almost certainly knows she has this condition.
All the strange behaviours, responses, things she said, the rollercoaster ride... .a term I used when our best friends asked me a year in how it was going! Etc etc etc... .there is so much now that falls into place... .it has been a great comfort.

Thankfully I knew that it was dysfunctional, but at the same time I was sucked in to the push/pull exhilaration, the crazy, high octane lifestyle we led, endless partying and drugs and sex... .all off the scale.

Bizarrely, her ex, who committed suicide provided a cover for her with his death... .he was the crazy one after all, wasn't he?... .he had Npd according to her... .she went to some rehab meetings with him... .so she said... .but I never looked it up until now.

When her mother died I had been thinking of leaving her, as I knew she was dysfunctional; but I didn't, because I felt a duty of care towards her and I made a promise to her dying mother that I would look after her... .boy, what a tangled web it all became!
Now, when I look back, I am convinced she knows she has BPD.
She talked of needing therapy, but I never pushed for the reason; preferring to let her tell me when she was ready.

I am strong and stronger now that I know what's behind her behaviour; NC is one path, but it is also self punishing. If the BPD sufferer is dangerous then I would advocate that route entirely; if they are not, and they respond to some reason, then as long as you can remain clear and strong, a degree of contact, well controlled and managed is possible.

Her children have planned to come and stay with me and my two kids, who are friends of theirs now and similar ages... .they stay in contact and we all miss each other... .though now I am somewhat hesitant about them coming if it makes things difficult again between my ex and me... .still not sure what to do about this scenario... .she is not dangerous or threatening or abusive... .I have laid the boundaries and maintained them... .also, I believe she knows her condition and is trying to deal with it in her way; part of that is that she knows what she was doing to our relationship and preferred to run away from it and the hurt she caused me.

Boy, it's complicated!
But, again, thank you, your stories, insights and advice are rays of light.
All best to you all.