Married 23 years. How do I survive his rages?

[cocoongirl]

  hi
it's 4:24 a.m. and I am happy to have found this site.  Thank you.  I've been on a long journey to this point in my life.  I've been married to my husband for 23 years, known him for 30.  We met and started dating when we were 15.  We are now 48.  I've only discovered his pd a year and a half ago, after a near breakdown of our marriage, due to a wrong choice I made.  I am now confused as to what I really want.  I'm exhausted and know that I'm not happy when I'm with him, (I am a very happy person otherwise) after years of bending over backwards to please him and trying everything.  Now that I know what is really going on I am sad.   I am in a bit of denial that he can't change, and there's nothing I can do to change the situation and have to give up on the dream of being heard, loved, supported by him.  But I do not want to ruin our children's lives with a bitter divorce. (He will not let me go easily or painlessly).  Our children are 20, 18, 15 and 9.
We have all walked on egg shells most of our life with him, but I have helped them to feel unconditionally loved and valued, despite his outbursts and judging ways.  I have been their primary caregiver and know that they are healthy.    But, I am bitter and resentful.  He is now trying to be nice.  (I try to remember that it probably wont' last.  We are one week out from his last major outburst, which was one week after his previous one, and so on... )
I have read book after book, article after article, gone to therapy, both individual and couples and am still confused.  Is it possible to live happily with someone like this?  I know he will refuse to acknowledge his pd and it's up to me to change how I feel/interact/behave.
I really want to get back into the things I love, like painting and maybe grad school.  He doesn't support me. Do I do it anyway?  How do I survive his rages?  
Thank you all,
cocoon girl

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi cocoongirl,

Wow! 30 years is a long time. You are quite the trooper. How did it feel for you when you discovered BPD? Are you still seeing a counselor and have you discussed BPD with the T?

You've found a really great community here. You'll get lots of advice and support. We also want to encourage you to post specific scenarios that you need help working through. We also have a lot of really good workshops on the right side of the page. These workshops can help you learn more about the dyanmic between you and your pwBPD, better communication skills, and taking care of yourself. All of these are essential for finding any type of peace inside of yourself when living with someone with BPD.

I really want to get back into the things I love, like painting and maybe grad school.  He doesn't support me. Do I do it anyway?

Absolutely you go do the things that you need to do for you. We can't live our lives in shadows, hiding away from the rest of the world just because our spouse has a mental illness. If we don't branch out into the world, then we find ourselves isolated and alone. He may very well get mad when you begin to pursue other interests, but I can tell you from experience, that if you begin to learn how to speak to him when you make plans outside the house, you will find quite a bit of freedom. Just from using the tools on this site, I now meet with friends at least once per week whereas before just mentioning getting together with friends once every couple of months was a huge blow up.

 How do I survive his rages?  

I would say that for years you have been surviving his rages. Now, it's time to learn how to thrive despite his rages. Can you tell us about what his rage looks like? Does he build up to a rage or does it explode from no where? How do you respond before, during, and after the rage?

[Mutt]

Absolutely you go do the things that you need to do for you. We can't live our lives in shadows, hiding away from the rest of the world just because our spouse has a mental illness. If we don't branch out into the world, then we find ourselves isolated and alone

  Tattered Heart has a really good point, she mentioned that it was a huge blow up, I'd like to also that a pwBPD have negative feedback about you when it's  a black period and it's not realistic feedback about what we put out, it's distortion and it can make you feel anxious, depressed, confused. You'll get positive feedback about yourself when you spend time with family and friends, it counterbalances that, I know that you've read a lot of books have you read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist? The author depicts realistic expectations in a r/s with a pwBPD. Have you read it?

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

[cocoongirl]

Hi cocoongirl,

Wow! 30 years is a long time. You are quite the trooper. How did it feel for you when you discovered BPD? Are you still seeing a counselor and have you discussed BPD with the T?      Thank you! That is so kind of you to say! I felt at once liberated and sad.  Liberated that it wasn't me all those years like he said! Years of feeling so confused by the circular conversations and untrue accusations, finally made sense.  But sad that I had put up with it for so long.  The verbal and physical abuse.  Sad that I didn't have the knowledge that this was not normal, or courage to set boundaries with him.  I did when it came to the kids, but if he was mad at me, he would take it out on them anyway, so not sure it helped.   Yes, our couples counselor sensed something was not right and asked me to see a therapist separately so I could talk about it without fear of him.  That therapist helped me to see that there had been verbal abuse from the start and any physical violence is not ok.   Then she told our couples counselor and from various couples sessions enlightened me about him possibly having BPD/npd and definitely ocpd.  I did some research and he definitely has all 3.  Our therapist does not want to confront him with this information, for fear that he will only get angrier or quit therapy. So he does not know and we are trying behavior modification techniques specific to npds and what motivates them.  In other words, lots of praise, accolades, apologies and no complaining on my part.  Just to keep the peace.  I am fine with that for now.

You've found a really great community here. You'll get lots of advice and support. We also want to encourage you to post specific scenarios that you need help working through. We also have a lot of really good workshops on the right side of the page. These workshops can help you learn more about the dyanmic between you and your pwBPD, better communication skills, and taking care of yourself. All of these are essential for finding any type of peace inside of yourself when living with someone with BPD.
 
I will definitely look into the workshops thank you so much!

Absolutely you go do the things that you need to do for you. We can't live our lives in shadows, hiding away from the rest of the world just because our spouse has a mental illness. If we don't branch out into the world, then we find ourselves isolated and alone. He may very well get mad when you begin to pursue other interests, but I can tell you from experience, that if you begin to learn how to speak to him when you make plans outside the house, you will find quite a bit of freedom.
Thank you so much, I will definitely learn how to do that.  I know that before I found this out I had spurts when I would do things outside the home.  But inevitably he would sabotage them.   Now I know the pattern, I just need the courage and skills to try again and stick with it.

Just from using the tools on this site, I now meet with friends at least once per week whereas before just mentioning getting together with friends once every couple of months was a huge blow up.

I would say that for years you have been surviving his rages. Now, it's time to learn how to thrive despite his rages. Can you tell us about what his rage looks like? Does he build up to a rage or does it explode from no where? How do you respond before, during, and after the rage?

Thank you! I would like to do that.  I know it's possible, I'm just in the beginning stages of learning how to navigate all of this, and that is my hope, to someday thrive again.  His rages appear out of nowhere and most often catch me off guard and are about something trivial that most people would not go from zero to 60 about.  It took me a long time to learn how not to be defensive and just listen and mirror.   That doesn't seem to diffuse his anger, but it allows me to remain calm and not go down the rabbit hole with him.
Other times, I have to tell him that we can have this conversation when we're both calm and leave the room (which makes him even angrier) but sometimes he will physically block me from leaving, or curse and threaten divorce and keep me up all night with a light and going over and over the argument. (yes in these times there has been physical violence.) If I can get away, I just hide from him until the next day.   In any case, the next morning, he pretends like nothing happened, but will also give me the silent treatment for a few days.  Nothing gets resolved, unless I apologize for all of it.  He does not acknowledge any role and if I try to point it out he accuses me of blaming him for everything.  (Including his anger, which he doesn't remember, or claims I'm over exaggerating it.)   I am usually sick about it all for a few days, feeling like I can't get anything done because I'm obsessing over what happened and how to fix it.  I was getting an ulcer and other physical problems as a result, so I have started meditating and trying to detach emotionally so that I don't get too involved, with either his good days or his bad, and that has helped a bit.  

Thank you for all your help!

[cocoongirl]

Tattered Heart has a really good point, she mentioned that it was a huge blow up, I'd like to also that a pwBPD have negative feedback about you when it's  a black period and it's not realistic feedback about what we put out, it's distortion and it can make you feel anxious, depressed, confused. You'll get positive feedback about yourself when you spend time with family and friends, it counterbalances that, I know that you've read a lot of books have you read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist? The author depicts realistic expectations in a r/s with a pwBPD. Have you read it?

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

HI, yes, he does distort it all and it does make me feel all of that! I have been in this pattern with him for so long that it has been really hard to recognize it when it's happening  and remind myself of what he's doing.  Plus we're such a busy family that I don't often have time to study all of this and mentally prepare.  I let my guard down all the time and if he's having a good week, I have allowed myself to think, ok, it's going to be ok now.  Until his next rage.  Then it starts all over again.
Actually I have read that book, but it was rushed and while I was reading others too.  I will go back and re-read it and absorb the information this time.   Thank you.  I do think I am in a bit of denial about it all too.  It's all so sad to me.  My heart is broken that this is our reality> Is it weird to feel like I need to go through a grieving process about it all?  I almost feel like I have PTSD from dealing with this for so long.  And to grieve the loss of a hope for a healthy, mature, loving relationship with him.
Thank you for your help!

[Mutt]

I do think I am in a bit of denial about it all too.  It's all so sad to me.  My heart is broken that this is our reality> Is it weird to feel like I need to go through a grieving process about it all?

You mentioned denial maybe you're grieving because you're taking some positive steps, you signed up for a site for the non disordered partner and it could be that you're grieving because your perspective on the r/s has changed. I wouldn't be surprised that your feeling sad or a lot of different feelings. I don't think that it's weird, I understand feeling denial, we're all different and have different experiences, I felt shock, denial and sadness when I found out that my ex suffers from BPD, it took awhile to process, I'll give you a tool that helps with accepting difficult things that happend in our lives or difficult circumstances, radical acceptance helps with coming to terms with hard facts. My ex uBPDw is who she is. I hope that I didn't unundate you by giving you another link.

Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)  

I almost feel like I have PTSD from dealing with this for so long.

It's common for a pwBPD to make others around them feeling anxious. I helps to get opinions / perspective from people that are in a r/s with a pwBPD or have experience with it. We're here to give you feedback and not judge or invalidate you.  

[cocoongirl]

You mentioned denial maybe you're grieving because you're taking some positive steps, you signed up for a site for the non disordered partner and it could be that you're grieving because your perspective on the r/s has changed. I wouldn't be surprised that your feeling sad or a lot of different feelings. I don't think that it's weird, I understand feeling denial, we're all different and have different experiences, I felt shock, denial and sadness when I found out that my ex suffers from BPD, it took awhile to process, I'll give you a tool that helps with accepting difficult things that happend in our lives or difficult circumstances, radical acceptance helps with coming to terms with hard facts. My ex uBPDw is who she is. I hope that I didn't unundate you by giving you another link.

Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)  

It's common for a pwBPD to make others around them feeling anxious. I helps to get opinions / perspective from people that are in a r/s with a pwBPD or have experience with it. We're here to give you feedback and not judge or invalidate you.  

I can't thank you enough for the support. It makes me want to cry for joy to feel heard.  Thank you, I will check out that link.

[ElinorD]

I'm in a very similar situation to yours, and what you're feeling is very much like what I've been going through. We've been together for 25 years, and it has taken me most of that time to realize he has a real problem and it's never going away. Sometimes I feel like I can deal with it, because there's so much to lose if we split up. And then days like today I feel like there's no way I can stay with him forever and I just have to get the kids launched.

Even though this isn't specifically about BPD, I recently found the book When Good Men Behave Badly helpful.

Good luck, and know that you are not alone!