Seriously done

[Frankee]

So done.  He went off the deep end bad.  We didn't go get the auto renewal done right when he wanted too.  Yeah, I messed up.  I didn't tell his brother to stay here and wait to go do yard work.  So I took the mark... But then he just completely lost it.  Everything and I mean everything that was ever done to him from 2 years old till now came screaming out. I felt bad.  He has had one of the hardest lives ever.  Then he basically said that he's only had 10 years that he hasn't been abused, fighting for his life or locked up.  Explains the child like behavior.  He gets angry at me for being like everybody else.  Says I'm not special, I'm not who he thought I was (he destroyed that person I was with his abuse) he use to physically abuse me, now just emotional and verbal.  His rant was absolutely completely crazy.

I have self image issues.  My boobs are basically gone after having kid number two.  I confided, I showed him the ugly ness I felt.  He held me, comforted me, and told me that we would get tconvenientand he never said I was ugly.  But it's like, my self esteem issues seemed to have stirred up negative feelings about himself or something.  He got angry because he couldn't make me feel better about my physical appearance.  He went on about how the sex has gotten boring, I'm a prude, how I don't seem to have an interest in bringing women home anymore and how if I, m feeling ugly, then I should bring ugly women home because it's better than nothing.  How he was saying if he wanted to bring a guy back he would, if he wanted to bring a women home he would. how if his sexual abuse stirred up something that he was going to do it, didn't matter if it was with a transgender, 5 guys or 5 women, how I knew what I was getting into because the first night together was a threesome in the. back of a biker bar.  How he's going to do whatever he wants. I told him I was down with the freaky stuff, but I need to do something about my boobs.  I am a freak also, but have serious self image issues about my lack of boobs.  But it hurt.  He says that how it's convenient that it's 6 months away.  how the relationship is going to change, how he's going to find another woman, how he's going to still have more kids with other women, how he,s going to find another gf.  The only kind of women he is going to find is some cracked out dirty homeless bi***. Because I would love to see him find a woman who is normal that would actually want to be part of this totally screwed up house not to mention bear his child and not hit him up for child support. 

He rages about how horrible this world is, how much of a sh** society this is, how everybody is the exact same, but he think the solution is to bring another woman in because he thinks that she will be so much better.  It is totally absurd on his thought process.  It is more likely that he could screw a hooker or have a one night stand than actually find another gf that he thinks will put up with his sh**.  I am so emotionally dead that I cried a little when I wrote about the sex thing.  He got angry when I panicked and said no when he told me that if he wants me to f*** some other guys because he might want to and say so are you going to cry and act like a rape victim the entire time and that he doesn't need my judgemental and that he's not going to be with someone that cries when he talks about sex.

He dropped me off to picked up our oldest and said he's leaving.  He's been gone over am hour.  I am crushed.  I'm emotionally destroyed.  I set up a consultation with a plastic surgeon next week.  I'm getting the breast augmentation because he said I could.  So if I going to stay, I'm doing this for myself and I'm doing it even if he says because I want to f** other guys.  He can f*** himself.  I know that this falling out was going to happen eventually.  Didn't matter what I did to make him mad.  He said that he won't leave me now that it's too late for him.  But if I don't like it than I can leave.  I can't. He won't let me have the baby.  He would destroy me in court.  He has serious pent up resentment about my past and he knows way too much.  I love my kids, more than my own well being.  I will sacrifice my own happiness just to make sure that they don't end up like me.  They are my only last salvation to do any sort of good in this life. 

Sh** life.  Hate my life.  Only reason I'm still breathing is for my kids.

[Mutt]

Hi Frankee,

I'm sorry to hear that  I responded to another one of your threads and I have a better understanding of what happened today https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=314695.msg12899904#new it's Fear in FOG, he's making threats to make you do something that he wants you to do and to illicit an emotional reaction from you.

Here's a good article on Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

A pwBPD have mostly negative feedback about their partners, it doesn't paint a realistic picture about ourselves, it's distortion, it helps to get positive feedback from friends and family, what's your support network like? Can you turn to a friend or family member for support?

[believer55]

Hi Frankee.

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I guess everyone's partner is different in how they express their dysregulations. I have always been a bit more conservative on the intimacy side but my husband knew that when we first got together. Now if he is having a bad day he also calls me a prude and boring etc.

My conclusion is he will say anything he thinks that will hurt me as he is going through intense pain at the time. He has admitted that when is hurting all he can think of is that if I hurt too he will feel better. This, of course, is not OK - but he is trying to explain why he does it.

If intimacy and fidelity is important in your relationship your partner may use that as a tool to hurt you. He will later say he didn't mean the things he said and its in the past and you should forget it - but that is hard to do when you have heard the same things over and over again.

At this time - if you can - focus on you and what you want out of your life at this present time. I used to find my head consumed with trying to find the answer and the "right" way to respond. Now I stop and ask myself - right now, at this time what do I want to do that would make me feel better - and then I do it without trying to stress over how he will react as we have the right to live a happy and full life.

Its hard but try to concentrate on you and your children and hopefully he will come to a place where he can calm down or at least stop being so abusive.

Thinking of you .

B

[Frankee]

I am extremely frustrated on how fast on the appearance and disappearance of "Jekyll/Hyde".  When he finally came home last night, I stayed distant.  If he asked something, I answered, nothing more.  If he asked me to get something, I did it without a word.  Then went back to what I was doing.  He pretty much ignored me except when he asked for Dinner.  Than woke me up whining that he was thirsty and asked for water.  I was in a dead sleep.

Been up since 5am with the baby and had to wake him up at 5:30.  Heard him getting up and around.  Sat in the living room with our youngest... Just waiting... Had no idea which personality I was going to be facing, But calm.  He pokes his head out and in a friendly tone asks... What are you doing lady.  Told him simply that I could get the baby back asleep.  Being very cautious with my response and tone.  He got dressed and came out.  Started talking to our baby (who was still tired and cranky).  When he tried to hold him and he started to Whine and fuss, I expected him to get mad at the baby and say stupid sh** like, fine... I get it you hate me or be that way... But he said in a calm tone... okay, okay, just lay down with mommy. Pretty much our short interaction was pleasant, he said I love you baby and told us bye.  It pisses me off.  These type of interactions I enjoy and want to savor... But after the sh** he pulled yesterday, I'm still so DA** mad.  I do my best to act normal and friendly in these times where he is pleasant... But I'm still reeling for the explosion from yesterday.  I am always on guard... Knowing that any little thing can easily change his mood.

He's left for work and I should feel better because he wasn't being an a**hole.  Instead, my patience is getting short.  I'm trying to get my kid ready for school and I. and feel myself getting angry because he won't listen. Frustrated, tired... And then pissed off because while he got out his little tantrum, I'm left feeling annoyed and mad at every little thing.  I guess in recovery, they would call this a relapse.  All of my reading, understanding, trying to apply techniques has gone right out the window.  I'm happy he's not here right now.  That makes me sad on top of everything.  I keep trying not to put myself back out there emotionally.  Every time I do, he destroys it.  Just tired.  Today isn't a better day and he's not even here. 

Anyone going through any of this, we are strong and we can do this.  Just have to keep our heads up and keeping starting each day at a new chance. 

[romanova]

Frankee, sounds like the storm is over for now. You are right to feel hurt, of course. It is very frustrating that pwBPD don't remember a thing and expect others to be fine too, just like that. Please remember that whatever he said and did had nothing to do with you but his own inner turmoil.

I also thought that he was projecting when he was insulting you about your looks and your intimate life. Sounds like he is feeling bad about himself and puts the blame on you.

Take care of yourself and your babies. I hope it improves soon.
xoxo... .

[Frankee]

Please remember that whatever he said and did had nothing to do with you but his own inner turmoil.

I also thought that he was projecting when he was insulting you about your looks and your intimate life. Sounds like he is feeling bad about himself and puts the blame on you.

I keep trying to remind myself that.  Heard it loud and clear a couple days ago.  Amidst all the screaming and extremely outlandish threats, I heard him.  He even said, he's 10 years old.  10 years he's been free from foster homes, prison, mental hospitals, abusive father.  He gets angry because I was adopted, my mother gave me up, but instead of ending up like him, I got adopted by a middle class family.  He sees the chances I had growing up.  The opportunities I was given and says I f*ed it off just like everyone else.  I know it.  I know I made a lot of bad choices, got involved with the wrong people, let fear run a big portion of my life.  If I could have a do over, I would... in a heartbeat, even risking the chances I never had my boys or possibly never met him.  That's how I feel about my choices I've made.  I've had some good times, some good years... but I've come across people that I got involved with who changed my life forever.  People I wish I never met.  The whole... well your experiences shape who you've become today.  Ask yourself this... is the person you've become today the person you want to be?  Asked me a few years ago, probably would of said yes.  Today.  No.

But we can't.  There is no do over in life.  All I can do is accept my own shaded past.  Maybe in another post I'll talk about my past.  Its been all about him.  My past isn't like his, but its not one that most people would want.  Great childhood and teen years... not so great 20's.  Anyways, I've pretty much accepted my mistakes... it would be easier to get over if he didn't keep using them against me.  Especially one about my ex and his abuse.  That card comes out when he really gets down to the nitty gritty cruel comments.