Managing anger towards BPD spouse

[Dont Know How]

After 13 years of marriage I raised my hand on my BPD spouse. The episode occurred one evening when my spouse went on rant for over an hour where she started abusing our sons and me of not being helpful and ruining her life. Even after we apologised and got down to doing all the things she believed we did not do, she kept at it to a point where i lost all control and first beat up my boys (they were her primary target) and threatened to kill them and then myself so she can live happily. Then she tried to stop me by further yelling at me and kept on speaking. (everytime she spoke i could not take it) I first started yelling at her and tried to break the TV with the remote (another target of hers, she has a grouse with we boys watching sports) She kept trying to tell me I was wrong and started yelling me to stop breaking things. I begged her to stop talking and leave the room so i could calm down, but she would not listen. Thats when it happened. At that point I could have done anything had it not been for my boys watching me with dread. I was so ashamed and scared of myself I wanted to leave the house immediately cause I had just crossed a threshhold and did something I never thought I was capable of. She eventually left when she saw that I was struggling to calm down. This was a week back, since then she has been trying to get my attention either by claiming she is unwell or by trying to speak about the regular day to day tasks. Yesterday she tried to suggest that it was my fault i lost control. It made me angry and I let her know about it. Since this incident she has been unwell and did not go to work today. I do not want to be who I am when I am with her, at the same time I don't want any harm on her. I most worry about the boys. I cannot leave them with her. Sadly as on today they are more scared of me then they are of her.

I feel trapped and hate my spouse even more for it. I am work today but unable to concentrate cause I realized yesterday that I am finding it increasing difficult to let go and seem to lose control of myself.

In the last 13 years, for one reason or the other I have kept my own family and friends away from my life. There was a period when she would find any close relationship of mine with anybody a cause of her misery. There was no satisfaction till I distanced them from my life, this includes my elder son.
 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Summer Skye]

Hi, I am so sorry for that you and your boys are having such a rough time.  Having a spouse with a personality disorder is not easy - they know skillfully how to push your buttons, and are desperately looking for a reaction. The thing you have to remember is not to react to what ever it is they are ranting and raving about. There are many tools on this site you can read up on regarding conflict, and the chaos that goes along with it.  Empower yourself with as much knowledge as you can, from there you can determine what your next step will be. 

[Turkish]

How safe does the family seem right now? It's good to have a safety plan in case you need to descalate. I understand your fear of leaving them there,  but a safe retreat can be better for everyone,  even if it's to somewhere else on the property.

Safety Planning

How have your boys been towards you? That must have been scary for them. 

[DaddyBear77]

Hello Dont Know How - I also wanted to say hello and share my empathy on how hard it is to be in such a difficult situation. I think you'll find many people here who experience a very difficult home life, each of us with varying abilities to cope with the stress.

You mentioned that this happened about a week ago. It sounds like there have been more instances of you getting angry with what she has to say, but have you handled these further instances without additional loss of control? What allowed you to maintain that control if you did?

I'd also like to know if you feel like your family is safe right now, safer than they were a week ago? How old are your boys? If a situation like this occurs in the future, is there a way to get your boys to a safer place (their room, a friends house, a relative) before you try and discuss things with their mom? I can tell you from personal experience that an argument filled with anger and rage in front of children, even if they aren't targets, can be extremely difficult and quite painful for the children.

Please let us know how things are going for you and your family. We're here to help.

[Kipcatdog]

This is my first time on this site, and yours is the first post that caught my eye. Everything you said i have been living. My BPD is my daughter. She has lived with me for 2 years and has an 18 month old boy. She is also a severe addict and alcoholic. I feel trapped in a catch 22. I decided to send out an sos to both sides of the family, as they had no idea of the severity of the situation.  Lately the rage I've been feeling scares me. Last week i trashed her room, two nights ago i so wanted to punch her in the face that my fist was clench so tight it hurt. That's why i am finally reaching out.
So i understand all your feelings; the rage, the regret, the guilt. I also have a baby boy to protect.   
I dont know what to say to you except thank you. You are not alone, and now i'm not either.