When I express feelings of how I am hurt, she turns it on me

[Depression = 72% of members]

Recently my BPD spouse raged and vented at me. I stayed calm and did not fight back or escalate the situation.  That worked because it forced my wife to take partial ownership for her actions.  Today I expressed my hurt feelings about something she said.  She used something I opened up to her about and was vulnerable with to try to hurt me.  When I opened up I even asked that she not use what I shared to try to hurt me, but she did anyway during her anger episode.  Today I expressed that I am still feeling hurt by this.  Her response was the following... .1) She responded with denials that she didnt do it and she has no ideal what I am talking about. 2) She says I am just trying to sabotage the relationship and create distance and problems.  3) That its sick how badly I think of her. 4) That I am playing stupid games.  5) That she is not going to take this from me anymore. 6) That I am acting like a child. 7) That Im just looking for a reason to leave her or divorce her. 8) That my view of her is horrible. 9) That my mentioning this is me being a negative nelly and Im just trying to tear down the marriage. 10) I am just trying to find ways to reject her.

What advice do you have for me?  How should I respond?  

[Silver12]

Recently my BPD spouse raged and vented at me. I stayed calm and did not fight back or escalate the situation.  That worked because it forced my wife to take partial ownership for her actions.  Today I expressed my hurt feelings about something she said.  She used something I opened up to her about and was vulnerable with to try to hurt me.  When I opened up I even asked that she not use what I shared to try to hurt me, but she did anyway during her anger episode.  Today I expressed that I am still feeling hurt by this.  Her response was the following... .1) She responded with denials that she didnt do it and she has no ideal what I am talking about. 2) She says I am just trying to sabotage the relationship and create distance and problems.  3) That its sick how badly I think of her. 4) That I am playing stupid games.  5) That she is not going to take this from me anymore. 6) That I am acting like a child. 7) That Im just looking for a reason to leave her or divorce her. 8) That my view of her is horrible. 9) That my mentioning this is me being a negative nelly and Im just trying to tear down the marriage. 10) I am just trying to find ways to reject her.

What advice do you have for me?  How should I respond?  

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[Tattered Heart]

I"m really sorry that you received this response. It hurts when the person you should be able to share things with uses them against you and then tell you that you shouldn't feel the way you feel.

When it comes to sharing a truth with someone with BPD, it has to be done in a way that takes them into account. Unfortunately it can't be just about us and what we are experiencing. To remind someone with BPD about how they violated trust and were hurtful causes them to feel intense shame and in turn they will project that shame onto us by blaming us for their own shame, which is exactly what you spouse did.

One way to tell our pwBPD something negative that they might not like to hear is through a communication skill called S.E.T.

After reading through the workshops, would you come back and share with us how you may have been able to approach the conversation differntly? (Not that she wasn't wrong in her way that she responded, but we can always improve somehow to start trying to make things better).

[isilme]

Sadly, the support we try to offer a pwBPD is often not something they can easily if at all, reciprocate.  Tattered said it well, the shame felt is usually projected right back at you.  It's an emotional hot potato you will have to hold, or let drop.  I think shame avoidance is a big part of BPD.  Even if they fall into a shame-based depression, a lot of it seems to be woe-is-me-I-suck-no-one-loves-me, rather than a true assessment of behaviors that hurt others. 

That's not to say it's impossible to express yourself, and for the BPD SO to respond kindly or support you.  But you have to pick and choose your times to try to talk.  You have to look into new ways of attempting to talk about things.  SET is the one most of us on here try.  It takes practice.  We have all learned ways to communicate that can work just fine if a PD is not involved, but if a pw with a PD is in the conversation, the rational or empathetic parts of a discussion are lost.  Like, if I kicked you and you told me I hurt you, I'd be like "Oh shoot, I'm sorry, I did not realize it, I will try to not kick you again."  And I'd try to not kick you.  My H would insist he never kicked you, or if he did it was your fault, you should make sure to not be in the way of his feet.  Then, later, he'd feel sorry for himself for being a person who kicks others, but they should be out of his way nonetheless. 

I have one other thing that may help, but it is probably kinda crazy on my part - it's how I try to manage things that H says that are hurtful.  If H is raging or trying to pick a fight - I see it as the BPD talking... .this condition he has, this emotional disability is pulling the strings and often it's not even ME he's usually yelling at, but he is trying to make me feel how he has made himself feel - hurt and miserable. 

Since he can't process his own hurt, and he certainly can't process it in a healthy way, the word vomit diarrhea comes out.  I kinda do my best to disregard the insults, the anger.  It does me no good to hold onto it.  It can hurt at the time, but I have a wall of defense, a forcefield that comes up. 

After a rage, he knows he lost it, and feels shame for that, but if I point out he mocked my weight, called me lazy, accused of things he actually does, whatever, he won't admit it.  So what good does it do me to try to talk to him about it, asking him to feel enough shame to not do it?  Shame is toxic for him, he can't process it.  Adding to it does not increase our calm.  Sorry, I am pretty sleep deprived this week, and so am rambling.  The main point - learn to pick and choose what insults and barbs actually hurt, and which ones you can disregard - it can help.  You are not going to get the reaction you wanted by pointing out that your SO hurt you in their rage, not in the first, "normal" way we usually want to do it.  More care and use of the SET tool can help, but it takes practice. 

[Mutt]

Hi Silver12,



I'd like to join Tattered Heart and is''lime welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that your going through a difficult time. I'd like to echo   Tattered Heart and    isilme, some experts say that BPD is a shame based disorder. It might be hard for some people to connect with that. Guilt is feeling like you did something wrong. Shame us feeling like there's something wrong with you. Some of us may have to think back to our childhood were a parent or teacher triggered feelings of shame in us. Some pwBPD say that it's horrible to wake up feeling chronic feelings of shame.

Feelings eqs facts to a pwBPD where it's feelings are followed by facts for the non disordered people, it can be confusing because of how the order us reversed and as   Tattered Heart said it helps to validate those feelings first because a pwBPD feel really low about themselves and I mentioned shameful feelings in the first paragraph. Give validation and SET try, they're effective communications for pwBPD and you can also transfer  those skills in other r/s's in your life.

[Happy outside]

I experienced this yesterday. If I can't tell my spouse how I feel about something re: our marriage, then who can I tell?  Cuz we all know, he sure doesn't want my sharing our "dirty laundry" with other people.