Could my partner be BPD? Struggling to understand...

[whatsspots]

New here... .not sure if I need advice, support or just to tell someone how I'm feeling. I have been with my partner for about 10 months and had known him socially for a few years. He asked me out and initially seemed very keen and attentive. The relationship moved very quickly and we are now sharing a home.
I do love him very very much and really want to make things work, but I am just finding it so difficult. He is frequently very critical and nit picking. Nothing I do is ever good enough. At first, I would get upset (tearful) or angry; and possibly retaliate by pointing out some of his failings (wrong I know!). This would result in him becoming silent and withdrawn for several days. He insists that I text and call him throughout the day when I am working... .which I am quite happy to do... .but has on more than one occasion been very annoyed if I didn't keep in constant contact or was home later than intended. He is also suspicious of any male friends or colleagues.
I feel I have made every effort to compromise and listen to him. When I have been in the wrong / done wrong /forgotten to do something/not done something to the standard he wants etc,  I have apologised and tried to make amends as much as possible. I am a peace loving person and dislike conflict and try really hard to please.
I also found him text messaging a female friend of his saying how much he liked her and that he regretted not asking her out... .I have since found similar messages he has sent to others, fortunately (or not ) none of them are interested in him.
He does not discuss his feelings much. He was adopted as a child and his adoptive Mother (now deceased) was very critical of him during childhood. He has had a number of unsuccessful relationships, but is very cagey as to what caused the break ups... .but none of them were ever his fault!
Since I have been with him, I seem to have lost my personality. I used to be cheerful and optimistic, but now cry alone lots of the time... .I feel quite lost.
Family and friends don't realise how things are. I'm sure they think he's a great guy and a real character, whereas I am quieter in nature.
Recently, I am trying to be more mindful of what I say, so as not to start conflict. Our last disagreement was caused by him mentioning an event that I was organising, when I replied "not to worry, I'm sorting it out" he took offence and said I was being dismissive of him, which was not my intention at all. He does like to be 'in control' of things, but then also complains that no one (me) helps him. He also makes fun of the tone of my voice, as he says it is irritating... .I think it upsets him most when I am cheerful. I find this very disrespectful.
Sorry about me rambling on... .I just keep asking the question 'Is it me?' but feel in my heart of hearts that I am doing no wrong. The issues he raises in our relationship have never been mentioned before by anyone, friends, family, ex-partner etc.
I am willing to try my hardest to stay in this relationship and honestly don't know if there is a way forwards... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lost-love-mind]

Your in the right place.
Your story is very similar to my female exBPD. A Childhood with lack of support and love.
His negativity will overcome you if you allow it too.
My exBPD claimed my stories were always filled with conflict. Yet, she had ongoing dispute with a neighbor and hated most of her co-workers since they opposed her political views.
Do not lose your positive outlook. I did and it took 2 mos. after the breakup to get it back.
Stay focused. This is the right forum.

[Tattered Heart]

HI whatsspots,

I'm sorry that things have been so difficult for you right now. My H is also highly critical and it hurts quite a bit. It sounds to me though like you are walking on egg shells quite a bit. That's normal. We want to try to prevent yet another outburst or criticism or anything that will set off our pwBPD. But it doesn't help. ANd walking on egg shells just creates nervousness and anxiousness in us, which in turn causes our pwBPD to think we are hiding something or trying to control or manipulate them.

One thing that I think may be really help you is to not apologize for things that truly are not wrong. When you apologize for things you didn't do, you validate the invalid. This gives them the message that they are right and you are wrong so they are justified in their behavior.

We have a lot of really great workshops that address many of the concerns you have right now. You can find many of these on the right side of the page ---->. To get you started, here is one of our workshops on The Dysfunctional Dance . It's important to understand how our behavior can affect our pwBPD behavior because then we can start changing ourselves.

[whatsspots]

Thank you both for your supportive responses. It really does help knowing that I'm not alone in coping with this.
Since my last post, things had been mostly ok until this weekend. He can be very charming and good company when not in a critical mood and we have lots in common... .so in theory (and to the outside world) we should have a good relationship. I have been keeping positive and ignoring his frequent criticisms.
He had decided that we wouldn't be going out this weekend. Before we got together, I had a few hobbies and interests that I no longer 'have time' to enjoy. He resents it if I spend time away from him... .although I have frequently said he is always welcome to join me... .if only to reassure him that I am not doing anything 'behind his back'. Anyway, I said that I was going out in the afternoon for a couple of hours. This resulted in a long and drawn out argument about cleaning the house. I listened to him, cleaned the house and went out! He said I was very unreasonable and that the argument was my fault and that I have an awful temper / bad moods and that he wanted to end the relationship. Whilst I was away, I was thinking about the practicalities of splitting up and how I feel about it (confused mostly, sad because things can be so good between us, but also relieved because the constant conflict is so tiring). When I got back home it was as if he'd had a personality transplant! The argument hasn't been mentioned, he has been pleasant and attentive and is talking about making future plans. I guess I'll just enjoy it while it lasts until the next time something upsets him... . 

[goatrunner]

Hi whatsspots,

I'm sorry to hear that things have been so back and forth for you recently. That sounds really frustrating and emotionally confusing.

I think that I can really relate to some of the things you are describing in your partner. In my own relationship, I often question whether my partner has BPD and how much of the fault is my own. I try to take steps to minimize conflict and be reasonable, especially when things are and can be going so well when they are good! But like you, in the moments after an argument or a conflict seemingly stemming from something minor or nothing at all, I find myself reflecting on the practicalities and realities of ending the relationship. And like you, when things return to normal, I find myself putting off those thoughts until the next conflict arises. One of the recurring themes I've found in the blog is that things will not ever get to 100%, but by learning how to work with and mitigate against conflict, the episodes of deregulation will be less frequent and less intense with time.

My response here isn't as qualified as many of the other members in the board (my experience with BPD stems only from my partner, who has not been diagnosed formally with BPD), but I think the fact that he is texting other females with nostalgia and regret while being in a relationship with you is a cause for concern. I imagine that he feels safe and comfortable in his relationship with you, but that he misses his old relationships or is making his former relationships into a sort of fairytale reality. About the same point in my relationship with my partner (~10 months in), I found that she was texting her ex partner (talking about climbing and other hobbies they shared, and at one point saying that she loved him 'in a friendly sort of way'. I was upset and confused, and confronted her, saying that it was inappropriate and that she was either in a relationship with only me or not with me at all. I don't think she thought it was inappropriate, she said it was just being friendly and happy, but since I brought that up, she hasn't reached out to him as far as I know.

I think Tattered Heart has it right - that you shouldn't validate the invalid. At the same time, you also don't want to invalidate your person. Tattered Heart told me in a post of my own that for a person with BPD, feelings are equal with emotions. When he confronts you and suggests that you are doing things behind his back, the natural response would be to say "no, of course I'm not doing things behind your back." In saying as much, you are suggesting that he is wrong, that his feelings/reality are invalid. A solution that I've found to be successful in my own relationship is to rephrase my partner, eg. "I understand how you would think that way" etc. and then reframing the issue, like "what can we do moving forward so that we can trust eachother... ." or something along those lines.

I don't know how resourceful this response is to you, but I hope it helps. I've really found a great sense of comfort in being able to share my experience with such a knowledgeable and caring community, and I hope that you can find the same.

Best of luck,

goatrunner

[Tattered Heart]

I know the frustration that comes from wanting to go do your own thing but the fear of worrying about their response.

Was your activity for the weekend planned ahead of time or last minute? For myself I try to share plans a week ahead of time if possible. We talk about it and I give him as much detail as possible.

The day before the event I remind him a head of time. Then again the morning before the event. This helps to give him time to prepare for me to be gone.

All the while, I am validating him first and foremost. I know that me being gone from the house is scary and he feels rejected. So before I even bring up the event, I address the fear of rejection first. It might go like this:

I love it when we get to spend the weekend together. Saturday evening (event) is going on and I'd like to go. It would be fun if you could come with me, but if you want to stay home I understand too. We can spend all day Sunday together. I'll even wake up and make us breakfast.

OR

I love it when we get to spend the weekend together. Saturday evening (event) is going on and I'd like to go. I'll be thinking of you while I'm there and I'll be excited to see you when I get home. We can spend all day Sunday together. I'll even wake up and make us breakfast.

Do you think you could come up with something like that? Maybe try to practice what you'll say here.