Emotional Baggage from a BPD mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi!

Agh, this feels weird, I've never talked about this with anyone outside my immediate family... .*ahem*
My name is SilverNight, and I'm the adult child of a mother with BPD. I've wanted to talk to someone about all the emotional baggage she gave me, but I feel rather isolated. Thus I have come here!
Realized I can write more, so... .
In addition to my mom with BPD (high-functioning), I have a low-functioning, non-verbal Autistic brother. My mom uses him as a scapegoat for most everything, mostly how she can't ever do things for me and my other, gradeschool brother. She doesn't cook; she doesn't clean; I'm actually not sure what she does all day. I suspect her mom, my grandma, has BPD as well (and she's scary all the time). My mom rages about the smallest things that don't really matter, like one time I came home an hour later from a sleepover and she chased me around the house. I thought she was going to kill me. Most of the time, when she rages she gets into violently verbal fights with my dad, calling him all sorts of names in front of me and my brothers. She's incredibly emotionally detached, showing no interest whatsoever in anything I do or an interested in except how I do in school. She claims a preoccupation with my Autistic brother, but she mostly lets him run around the house trashing our house all day. When I lived at home, I only ever had friends over probably three times. My friends all thought I was a heathen or something. I live away from home now, but I'm wondering what I can do to help my family and also how I can deal with some of my emotional baggage. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety a few years ago, and I've made some significant progress with working on it. But sometimes I'll start bawling when I see/read/hear about a really affectionate moment/relationship two people have, especially when it's between mother and daughter because my mom was always so emotionally absent, and only gave negative attention. I also apologize... .a lot. It gets on people's nerves. Any ideas on overcoming emotional baggage?

[SilverNight]

Hi!

Agh, this feels weird, I've never talked about this with anyone outside my immediate family... .*ahem*
My name is SilverNight, and I'm the adult child of a mother with BPD. I've wanted to talk to someone about all the emotional baggage she gave me, but I feel rather isolated. Thus I have come here!
Realized I can write more, so... .
In addition to my mom with BPD (high-functioning), I have a low-functioning, non-verbal Autistic brother. My mom uses him as a scapegoat for most everything, mostly how she can't ever do things for me and my other, gradeschool brother. She doesn't cook; she doesn't clean; I'm actually not sure what she does all day. I suspect her mom, my grandma, has BPD as well (and she's scary all the time). My mom rages about the smallest things that don't really matter, like one time I came home an hour later from a sleepover and she chased me around the house. I thought she was going to kill me. Most of the time, when she rages she gets into violently verbal fights with my dad, calling him all sorts of names in front of me and my brothers. She's incredibly emotionally detached, showing no interest whatsoever in anything I do or an interested in except how I do in school. She claims a preoccupation with my Autistic brother, but she mostly lets him run around the house trashing our house all day. When I lived at home, I only ever had friends over probably three times. My friends all thought I was a heathen or something. I live away from home now, but I'm wondering what I can do to help my family and also how I can deal with some of my emotional baggage. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety a few years ago, and I've made some significant progress with working on it. But sometimes I'll start bawling when I see/read/hear about a really affectionate moment/relationship two people have, especially when it's between mother and daughter because my mom was always so emotionally absent, and only gave negative attention. I also apologize... .a lot. It gets on people's nerves. Any ideas on overcoming emotional baggage?

[coola]

I relate to your situation. I think my mom is an undiagnosed (uBPD), and I just discovered it this month after being given the silent treatment for the 10th time in 10 years.  My mom is spiraling out of control. 

My mom was not emotionally available for me either.  I realized that I have no warm memories of her either. That was shocking. I thought I had a good childhood. I was brainwashed.  She was the strict disciplinarian. She even told us I only have to tell you when you do bad.  My mom rages frequently--has my whole life. I remember being afraid to go home as a child not knowing what I'd walk into.  My friends never liked it at my house because my mom was so direct and confrontational.  I was constantly and consistently build up and put down, and put down and put down. But the put downs, manipulation and control far out-weighted the build-ups.  It all depended on her mood.

My dad is deep in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) after 56 years of marriage. He wants to run, but he is old and doesn't. He and I were both enablers. I see that now. And my mom pitted us both against each other. I can't talk to him. He is loyal to her.

I was depressed for over a decade and I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I didn't cry. I just became "dead". It can be a side affect of having a BPD mom. You are invalidated so much.

I found reading some books to be really helpful. Have you done that? They give good insight on how to deal with the situation, if you want to again.   I also learned a lot about myself and why I am the way I am from my childhood experiences.  I'm still working through it too. It will take time.  People are very helpful here, too.  You are not alone.  Please know that.

[Panda39]

Hi!

Agh, this feels weird, I've never talked about this with anyone outside my immediate family... .*ahem*
My name is SilverNight, and I'm the adult child of a mother with BPD. I've wanted to talk to someone about all the emotional baggage she gave me, but I feel rather isolated. Thus I have come here!

Hi SilverNight,

Welcome to the BPD Family    I'm so glad you decided to jump in with your first post! You are definitely not alone everyone here has someone in their lives with BPD or BPD traits so everyone "gets it"

You've witnessed a lot of dysfunctional behavior and seem to have multiple generations of pwBPD it's no wonder you've suffered depression and anxiety, I'm glad to hear you are out of the environment and making progress with your depression and anxiety.  Are you seeing a Therapist?

sometimes I'll start bawling when I see/read/hear about a really affectionate moment/relationship two people have, especially when it's between mother and daughter because my mom was always so emotionally absent, and only gave negative attention.

You are not alone with the emotionally absent mom either, your sadness or grief at not having the mom you needed/wanted seems completely natural to me.  Many struggle with this.  I'm here because my Significant Other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and their two daughter both struggle with this and both have taken different approaches at the moment.  D21 is no contact with her mother she decided the relationship was toxic and has let it go for her own emotional protection.  D16 has low contact with her mom phone/text occasionally sees her mom.  She continues to give her mom opportunities to be the "good" mom she hopes for and sadly ends up disappointed. It is my wish that they both come to "radical acceptance" about their mom, that she is who she is and that they can accept the limitations there.

I also apologize... .a lot. It gets on people's nerves.

The apologizing doesn't seem surprising to me either.  You have a parent that is never happy or satisfied (am I right?) as her child you want to please her, make her happy and be loved by her so you accept blame for things hoping she will be happy.  The apologizing has now just become automatic.  I would try and slow down this response and think about if you really have something to apologize for.  Don't own things or apologize for things that aren't yours.

The apologizing also could be a response to FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) that is often used by pwBPD to get what they want, it's also called emotional blackmail.  Here is a link to more on FOG…

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I also want to agree with coola, read about BPD, become as educated as you can about it, it can help you see the dysfunctional behaviors for what they are and hopefully lessen the amount of stuff you take personally.  I started by simply going to the library, below are some reading suggestions and there is also a “Book Club” board with lots of other reading ideas.

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger & Paul Mason MS

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship  by Christine Ann Lawson

Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem by Kimberlee Roth & Freda B. Friedman

Before I go I also want to point out the box to the right -> everything is a link to more information you might check out the “Lessons” section when you have the chance.

Again welcome, if you are like me you will find this site and its members to be very helpful and supportive.

Take Care, 
Panda39

[sarahhealing]

Hi SilverNight,

Thank you so much for your post and for sharing.Also, thank you Panda for posting about the reading. I'm working through the eggshells book and the book for support for family members with BPD. I'd really like to read more along this same thread.

I can identify with a lot of what you said, SilverNight. I think my mom is undiagnosed BP. I do have a therapist and am spending a lot of time these days on dealing with my feelings about my mom and her absence. I also have chronic anxiety.

I also feel like my grandmother had BPD since my childhood consisted of going to her house every day with my mom and making dinner or helping her take care of her other daughter. (My mom's older sister had epilepsy and was bedridden, unable to talk, walk, or use the bathroom by herself.) My grandma had an intense fear of being alone, so even sometimes she'd pay me a couple of dollars to spend the night at her house in case there was an emergency (even though I was 9 at the time and in retrospect was in no way capable of handling such an emergency.)

Also, my sister has disabilities as well, and my mom tends to do the same thing. I also live away from my mom, but even a phone call to her can trigger me and remind me of the baggage I carry. I'm trying to lighten it these days. My mom will complain about how awful my sister is and how she has emotional outbursts, which she does. However, my mom also has no boundaries with my sister (or her boyfriend). For example, my mom constantly complains about driving my sister and her boyfriend around because my sister's boyfriend doesn't have a job or car. She'll complain about how she's treated and how she never receives a thank you, but she'll fluctuate being doing everything for them and being a 'martyr' to raging at them - calling my sister 'evil' and reminding both of them how much they need her.

Right now, I'm struggling with feeling angry at my mom because she wasn't present for me in the ways that I needed. My sister's health these days isn't good, and I can't help but feel that my mom is contributing to that. It triggers memories of mine, such as when I got pneumonia, and my mom told me that she wasn't happy I got pneumonia, but since I had to stay home, she was happy she got to spend time with me. After I moved out, she told me about how much she loved when I used to live there, even though I reminded her that at that time I was always upstairs on the computer (because I had an addition). Her response was, "Well, at least I knew where you were and you were safe." Even though my mom seems really burdened by my sister, she hasn't taken anyone's suggestions to help my sister get out or spend time out of the house. Teachers, friends, and family members have all suggested art classes or other types of activities that would be available for my sister. This also leaves me feeling guilty about my sister - like I was able to get away from my mom, but due to my sister's disabilities, I've left her there.

In my case with my dad, I felt he had been 'beaten down' by my mom and finally just gave up. He passed away a year ago this past September. We had a pretty good relationship, but it always kind of felt like a secret from my mom, especially since if he and I were talking she'd try to listen to what we were saying or accuse us of talking about her, even if we weren't.

[SilverNight]

You guys are legitimately THE BEST! I'm feeling way less alone than I did. I'm so glad I found these boards! Already, your stories and suggestions are helping. I'm going to check out that 'FOG' thing- I'd actually never heard of that before. I'm glad you all get me.

coola- I get what you mean by feeling 'dead'. I get that a lot as well. It's like I can legit shut off my emotions when the situation becomes too painful. It kind of scares me sometimes. I've been working with getting back in touch with my emotions, but only ever seem to scrape the surface, as it were. I've also felt the exact same way about the memories of my mom- the only real memories I have of her from my childhood is her getting mad at me for trivial reasons... .And her getting mad at me when my grades weren't perfect. My friends in middle school would always laugh at me when I freaked out for getting a 94 on something- but because I didn't get 100, my mom would, more often than not, act like I was a disappointment, like there was something seriously wrong with me, or she'd get irrationally mad. I'll look into the 'FOG'- I think both my dad and I have that. I've been reading some books, too, and those have really helped.

Panda39- I saw a therapist a while ago, but it was before I knew my mom had BPD. I should look into seeing someone for depression- thanks for the idea! And thanks also for the advice on apologizing. For the longest time, especially when I was in elementary school, I used to think everyone was like my mom- secretly angry and unpredictable. I think I used apologizing as a defense mechanism. I'll most definitely look into those books and the sidebar, too. Thanks so much! 

sarahhealing- I feel the same way! I also struggle with being mad at my mom, because I never felt like she was there for me or really cared about anything other than my schoolwork. I feel like my brother's disability has been heightened as well. He's pretty angry a lot of the time- and even though he's non-verbal, my dad and I both think it's because he's angry at my mom. I've felt guilty about leaving my family with my mom, especially my gradeschool brother. When we talk on the phone, he's said more than once, "Mom's acting crazy. Mom IS crazy!" I'm glad to have moved out, but I still feel bad. I have the same kind of relationship with my dad, my mom's always thinking we're conspiring or badmouthing her in some way whenever we talk. I'm so sorry for your loss! Thanks, though, for sharing. I feel far less alone!

[Panda39]

I've felt guilty about leaving my family with my mom, especially my gradeschool brother. When we talk on the phone, he's said more than once, "Mom's acting crazy. Mom IS crazy!" I'm glad to have moved out, but I still feel bad.

I know it's hard not to feel guilty, but your job as a young person is to go out on your own and have an independent life (this is the healthy thing to do) and you are doing that job 

You can still be there for your little brother in other ways.  You can still listen, you could get him out of the house once in awhile... .movie? game night at your place? an overnight?  Just because you don't live in the same house doesn't mean that you can't have an impact.

I pulled some information about validation from the co-parenting board that might help support your little brother when you talk about this stuff.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272638.0

Panda39