Validation is important for raising emotionally resilient kids, not only to help them heal from the stresses of divorce and having a mentally ill parent, but to help them gain confidence in their own abilities to solve problems. Validation can improve one-on-one communication that involves
careful, empathetic listening to another person's feelings without judging, criticizing or attempting to solve his or her problems.
BPD parents often have very high needs for validation themselves, and very low capacity to validate others. Our kids find themselves in positions where they must validate their BPD parent, which reverses the natural role of parent and child.
Many of
us, the stable parent, also have higher-than-average needs for validation after being in BPD relationships, or coming from homes where validation was low or non-existent. Or, as step-parents, we may feel higher-than-average invalidation because of the strains of blended families.
The simplest way to describe validation is that
feelings and emotions can never be wrong.
Validating someone's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs does not necessarily mean we agree, overall, with what they are thinking, or feeling, or with their behavior. So, the first thing to learn in validating others is to be able to identify something to validate in a "sea" of conflict that is both valid and important to our kids.
Our kids also need help resolving their own problems, and learning that they are resilient
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