After how many recycles will I truly learn and STOP?

[CloseToFreedom]

I just can't help myself, can I? I keep falling for the recycle, each time with more doubt and being more careful, but still letting her talking me into and (more importantly) talking myself into a recycle. Time and time again.

Its almost 3 years since the break up, and I had a recycle last year, at the beginning this year when she broke up with the replacement. That lasted about a month or so until ___ hit the fan. And a few weeks ago she contacted me again, saying the right things, saying how she did some self work and reflection and realising how she used to be, and how she only has interest in me, etcetera etcetera. I deflected the recycle at first, but of course I fell for it again.

So, we've dated for two weeks. I was careful, both in not getting too involved psychologically, and with not saying wrong things to set her off. And still, yesterday was hell anyway. We were to catch a movie and then she would sleep over but we just had arguments before the movie, after the movie and then she left. Thats it. I would love to explain what the arguments were about but it all feels like a blur really, I can't really pinpoint what I have done wrong to set her off.

Yeah, I guess in previous recycle attempts I sad some bad things in anger, and she used those things yesterday to escalate the argument. It just didn't feel fair. It doesn't matter what I say, I can't defend myself because everything I say she either sees as an attack on herself or as a weak excuse. And when I ask if we can just talk normally about it, well forget about that.

Its so strange how double the standards are. When she instigated contact a few weeks back, she said she just wanted to have a fun time with me and not go through drama, in a way telling me to leave baggage I had from previous recycles at the door. But I guess that doesn't count for her... .Other double standards: I wasnt allowed to talk about any fling or relationship I had when I wasn't with her, but that of course didn't stop her to talk about her exes or guys that fell for her all the time. I was pathetic for sometimes using drugs in a recreational way, but her choise of drugs (that are just as bad) were all in good fun. The list goes on.

So, I've tried walking this impossible rope for the past two weeks, doing everything right to not set her off, but it's no use, it still escalated yesterday. Of course, when I say something about it, it's ME pointing the finger. Of course.

With that said, I'm kinda worried what it takes to finally stop the recycling. I mean I know she will keep trying for the rest of her life, but what will it take for ME to stop accepting it? Haven't I learned enough? Haven't I wasted enough time and negative energy (for 7 years now) on this?

I'm 30+, it's time to get a grip on things and move on. Every other asset in my life is, thankfully, going swell, like health and work (started my own company), but I need to sort this part out badly. I can't keep falling for it. Any advise how to get there is appreciated. And sorry for the rant.

[Lost-love-mind]

Focus on you and your success in business. Your young.
I'm 57 and I let my exBPD eat my soul alive. I fell in the abyss for 2 mos after only a 2 mos r/s.
Don't let this ruin your success. Youth and many other fish in the sea.
Good luck. You are in the right place.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey CTF, Only you will know when it's time to get off the roller coaster.  Until then, fasten your seat belt and get ready for a rough ride, as your life is likely to be up and down as long as you stay on the same BPD track.  It's up to you, my friend; no one else can tell you when to get off.

LuckyJim

[Skip]

Odd post for the Break-up boards... . 

I noticed you have not worked on the improving board. If you are going to date or handout, you would be best served to do some skills training.

Posting here is just going to draw validation (triangulation) and fuel more drama.

Try "Improving".